Friday, December 28, 2007

See you next year!

Funny Pictures
moar funny pictures

Doesn't that freak you out a little bit?
I was going for New Year Cheer and got LOLCat terror.

Anyway...there's a good chance I won't be back until Wednesday. By some sweet miracle I might actually get Monday off. UPS and I are planning to cook dinner for his extended family and then spend the evening with our multitude of boy children. There may be blood, there may be tears, but by golly we're ringing in the new year together.

No parties this year. Actually, there haven't been any parties since my boys have been born. People don't seem to want to babysit on New Year's Eve. Go figure.
That's really the downside to kids. You might get a nice bonus where your tax return is concerned, but does that really compensate? I'm not sure.


Otherwise, I just plan to sit around and read my Stephen Colbert book.


Thursday, December 27, 2007

Thursday Thirteen : Pulling it out of...somewhere


I normally put a lot of effort into my lists, but this week...well, I still love you. I really do. It's just been a long week, ok? OK? Stop pressuring me already!!!!

Ok. Sorry. I've taken a deep breath and am ready to begin...

Thirteen nothings. Just random stuff taken out of my head today.

1) Isn't it funny how in the song "Crazy" by Aerosmith, there's a line that says, "I feel like the color blue"...and then a few years afterward they made a song called "Pink"??

2)Sometimes I get really awful gifts for the holidays. And it never fails that after receiving one of those awful gifts, someone will say, "Oh SK, I saw it and thought of you!"

Really? What did I do to piss you off so badly? It must have been really terrible if you thought of me while looking at that.

3)I often have the urge to kick Matt Lauer in the face. Hard.

4)I got an email from Hillary Clinton wishing me Merry Christmas. She thanked me for my friendship and support. Awesome. So now that we're such good friends Mrs. Clinton, can I borrow some cash??

5)Explanation for having been engaged three times (so that I do not look like some kind of ring whore): Time #1 - Fiance got another girl pregnant. I do hope you think that's an ok reason to not go through with
Time#2 and Time#3 kind of coincide - Was briefly engaged to Drummer-in-a-rock-band-Richard but chose the ExHusband instead...because he seemed like the safer choice. Fat lot I knew, eh?
See? Not so scandalous after all.

6)I am unable to blow my nose in a quiet and ladylike manner. It is unsexy and slightly embarassing, but I sound a little bit like a foghorn.

7)Every now and then, I want to just run through my store and knock everything off the shelves. Because I'm sick to death of looking at the same crap day after day after day get the picture.

8)I'm terrified of the day I think it's ok to wear a holiday sweater involving sewn on snowmen and/or sequins. Or black Reebok walking shoes.

9)My 2 year old told me he wants to drive a "P.O.S. truck, just like Lee!"
I told UPS that and he laughed so hard.

10)Next week I get to book the cabin for the trip UPS and I are taking in February. Woo Hoo!!

11)Oh, no. Oh, no....I'm running out of clever things to say and I'm two away from thirteen. *Panic setting in*

12)So...Airline food...What is up with that?

13)I won! I reached the finish line! Ha! And all of you thought I couldn't do it. Never underestimate the power of procrastination. We're professionals at getting it done at the last minute.

Happy Thursday!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Ok, so now what?

Christmas is over.

What a letdown.

Everything went fairly well, actually. No fights broke out or anything, which is good I suppose. Lacking in entertainment value, but good all the same.

I did get a ring from UPS, but not the engagement type. It's a big, fat one carat amethyst set in white gold though. And it only fits my left hand, so he said we should take that as a sign, lol.

Oh, I did have one major "angry moment" this weekend...I was out picking up a few last minute batteries on Christmas Eve afternoon, and I ran into ex-FIL's girlfriend. She was buying some presents for my boys to put their dad's name on...Because he didn't buy his own children anything. He told me he had got their stuff two months ago, turns out he didn't get them anything.

But he did buy his friends some stuff. Because friends are more important than your own children you know. I mean, I suppose that's the lesson he wants me to learn from this...

I wish he would catch on fire.

Otherwise, things were lovely.

Hope you all had a great holiday.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Waiting for my blood pressure to return to normal...

Nope. Not happening yet.

Yeah, yesterday I was spirited, today I wanna knock Santa the fuck out.

I am in the Christmas program at church (yes, but I don't swear when I'm there) and we were supposed to have practice last night at 6pm. My church is in the middle of freaking no where, 13 miles down a hilly curvy road. And it was foggy last night. Like, can't see 10 feet in front of you foggy. So I am rushing around trying to get out of work on time, get the kids picked up, run home to change into a sweatshirt, pick up dinner and go. The drive was nerve wracking, and at one point I'm rounding a curve and see this giant brown shape standing next to the road. I'm thinking, That damn deer better not jump out in front of me. Well, let me just say, that if that mailbox had jumped out in front of me, it would have been a goner.

I pull into the church parking lot at five minutes til 6:00. There is no one there. What the hell? Practice is at 6, people. Then I begin to doubt myself...maybe I was wrong. There's like, 10 other people in this thing, someone else should be here. At five minutes after 6:00 I leave. I get back to town at about 6:20 and my phone rings. "Where are you?"

Excuse me?

"Where am I? I'm back in town, the kids are screaming for their food, I'm tired and I'm not coming back."
The excuse was "You know none of us are ever early."
5 minutes til is NOT EARLY. To me, five minutes before you're supposed to be somewhere is late.
None of these people seem to realize I don't have the luxury of a husband or babysitter at my disposal. To me, being late is inconsiderate. I guess I am the only person who feels that way. I was so, so mad. I don't even care if it is irrational, LOL, which I'm sure most of you think it is.
That's why I'm glad I live in America. I'm free to be Pissed The Fuck Off.

Hand me the remote, let's change channels. This one is boring...

--I had a sex dream about one of my brother's friends.

My brother is a 15 year old high school freshman, so do the math. His friend is too. This is the second time. I'm a dirty old cougar, aren't I? I mean, I've only seen this kid a handful of times, and I'm not attracted to his skinny little teenage anything. He's the one who asked me to the Homecoming Dance back in October, lol. But why is this happening? Why can't it be a sex dream about like, Johnny Depp or even better, UPS, who is hotter than anyone else on the planet? (yes, I am delusional and in love, get over it, lol)
It's kind of creeping me out.

--So what's with all of the shocked, hushed whispers about Tina Turner not going to Ike's funeral? Would you go to your ex's funeral if all he ever did was exploit you and beat your ass all the time? Hell no.
Leave Tina alone.

--When I was getting my coffee from McD's this morning, a group of guys I went to high school with (they were a year ahead of me) were walking inside together. I guess it was a "we're all back in town for the holiday, let's hang out" kinda deal. I laughed so hard I nearly pissed myself. These were the "cool" kids, you know? Three athletes, top students, etc...Time is not kind. Those bastards were noticeably overweight and wearing ill fitting khaki pants...and one of them was nearly bald. Ha! I was cute in high school, but I wasn't a cheerleader so they wouldn't have anything to do with me, romance wise.
The tables have turned. Looks don't matter to me in the slightest as long as there's some personality involved, ok? These three guys are now devoid of both.
I took some satisfaction in that. But I'm bitchy today, so whatever.

--One of our toy vendors sent us a Christmas package in the mail yesterday. Cheap bastards. We got a ziploc bag in the shape of a penguin filled with cheap, nasty German candy (licorice toffee??)and a chip clip. What? A chip clip? What is that shit about?

--UPS got me jewelry for Christmas. I saw the box. I SAW THE BOX!!!

Wonder what's in it?? Care to wager a guess? Don't guess engagement ring, b/c I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm not ready to get married like, tomorrow, or anything, but in the next year would be fine. Getting engaged is the fun part anyway. I should know.

I've been engaged three times.


Well, this is my last post until the 26th, so I hope all of you have a Merry Whateveryoucelebrate!!
Warm and fuzzy wishes for a nice holiday coming your way. Enjoy your friends and family, have fun, and be careful!
Love you all!!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Thursday Thirteen: Space Hog

Takin' up space is the name of the game today people. Thirteen Quiz results.
Super fun, right? Right?

That's what I thought.


You Are a Christmas Sweater!

Over the top, colorful, and totally flashy.
You're not afraid to be a little tacky.
What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You?

You Know a Lot About Christmas

You got 7/10 correct

You know tons about the history and traditions surrounding Christmas.
When you celebrate the holidays, you never forget their true meaning - or all the little fun details.

Random Christmas fact: "Silent Night" was originally played on guitar.
How Much Do You Know About Christmas?

You Are Blitzen

Always in good spirits, you're the reindeer who loves to party down with Santa.

Why You're Naughty: You're always blitzed on Christmas Eve, while flying!

Why You're Nice: You mix up a mean eggnog martini.
Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Your Christmas Song Is

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

You're not looking to the family holiday thing...
Unless someone gets run over by a reindeer!
What Christmas Carol Are You?

Your Christmas is Most Like: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Christmas is a big, boisterous event at your place.
And no matter what, something hilarious usually happens.
What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

For the twelve days of Christmas, your true love will send you:

Twelve robots drumming
Eleven snowmen a-melting
Ten midgets a-leaping
Nine ladies yodeling
Eight llamas a-milking
Seven gingerbread men a-crumbling
Six Santas a-hohohoing
Five Golden Girls
Four calling telemarketers
Three French fries
Two bottles of whiskey
And a chimp in a peach tree
What Will You Get for the 12 Days of Christmas?

You Are a Funny Gift Giver

Your gifts are wacky, offbeat, and even borderline naughty.
You prefer to give a gift that makes someone crack up...
Forget utility. You prefer to give something that's totally hilarious.
What Kind of Gift Giver Are You?

Your Elf Name Is...

Minty Fluffernutter
What's Your Elf Name?

Your Christmas Stocking Will Be Filled With a Puppy

Well - one cute, soft, cuddly puppy...
And a very soiled Christmas stocking.
What Will Be In Your Christmas Stocking?

You Are Eggnog

Rich, sweet, and probably a little drunk. Everyone who knows you tends to get a little fatter.
What Holiday Food Are You?

You Are a Bow

You don't think of it as the holiday season - you think of it as the present season!
What Christmas Ornament Are You?

You Are a Traditional Christmas Tree

For a good Christmas, you don't have to re-invent the wheel.
You already have traditions, foods, and special things you bring out every year.
What Christmas Tree Are You?

Your Holiday Stress Level is Moderate

The holidays sometimes stress you out, but mostly because they wear you down.
Take it easy! You can have a fun holiday without running yourself ragged.
What's Your Holiday Stress Level?

Practically a wordless Wednesday....

because I'm in shock actually.

Should I really dedicate this post to Jamie Lynne Spears, proud teen mother-to-be, or should this sentence be the end of it?

Ah, what the hell, let's dive on in. I really had hope for this one. I thought she was a smart girl. You know, maybe she is a smart girl. Maybe this is all pretend, just to take the attention away from her train wreck sister. Yeah, let's go with that.

It's always the "good girls" you have to look out for. My mother was a straight A student and captain of the track team...She had me when she was 17.
Anyway, as for Jamie Lynne, even if she is only 16, I have a very strong feeling she's going to be a better mother and role model than big sis.

In other, unrelated news....

R is going to be back in town. Remember drummer-in-a-rock-band Richard? His plane was supposed to have landed last night. I keep waiting for him to just show up unannounced. It's scaring me a little. He's been on tour, and we haven't talked very much in the last few months. He doesn't know about UPS, and I'm pretty sure he thinks that him coming home for Christmas will be the start of us getting back together. For the first time in 6 years, that isn't what I want...and I don't know how to tell him that. He'll be in town for 10 days. For me that's 10 days of total discomfort. When and where will he show up? Is he going to cause a scene when I break the news?

Not knowing. What a bitch.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Sound Bites

The trip wasn't all snow and blow, we did have a pretty fun time. Here are a few moments I think you'll enjoy. Either that, or they were total 'had to be there' moments, whatever.
A refresher on acronyms, E1 is my male married friend, E2 is his wife, J is our gay male friend.

(Driving home on Sunday)
E1 - What do they do with all that snow they push over off the road?
J- Well, in like, New York City they have a big dump where they take it. Like, a big place just to dump snow.
Me - Yeah, in the summer, they let kids swim there.
J, turning around with an amazed expression (and being serious) - Really?
Me - (deadpan) Not at all. No.

(raucous laughter from E1 and E2)


(Saturday night, as we're all laying in bed, E2's 3 year old cousin comes downstairs, I see her first and say, "We have a visitor". Now, E2 has taken her back upstairs...)

J- When you said "we have a visitor" I got scared. I 'bout pulled out my 9.
(E1 and I giggling)
E1 - Your nine? Oh come on, you know it's only a 4. (laughter)
J - Well bend over bitch and find out!
(hysterical laughter from the sleep deprived)


(Sunday, leaving brunch)
E1 - Goddammit, look at all these idiots without lights on. Nobody can fucking drive!
J - Hey, man, where's your Christmas cheer?
Me - Well, if he's out, I've got a flask of it in my purse.
(laughter, laughter, laughter)


(Sunday, shopping)
E2 - This is the gayest strip of stores I've ever seen.
J - (Giggling)I know, isn't it great?
Me - Best Buy, Old Navy, and PetSmart. Yep, gay.
J - Yeah, we go to Old Navy and buy new pajamas to snuggle in while watching season 1 of Will and Grace on dvd in front of our new flatscreen, while we feed treats to our goddamned fru-fru dog! It's like heaven!


(Saturday, dinner)

E1 - SK, you can push your plate back a little farther (it was sitting close to the edge of the table)
Me - The waiter said it was hot and I think it's still (reaches to touch plate, burns hand) Fuck! Yeah, it's still hot!
J - Well your shirt is red, so if the sauce gets on you, it will blend.
Me - Actually, my shirt is more of a wine color. His (points to waiter) shirt is red.
Waiter (seeing us point, but not hearing everything we said) - What are you pulling me into, here?
J - Well, what would you prefer we pull you into? I'm gay and she's (points to me) horny, take your pick!
Waiter (shocked and slightly confused) - What? you need anything else, cause, um... I can take your plates....(hurries away.)


So, yeah. Fun times, fun times.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Wicked Awesome

(imagine that in a Boston accent, of course.)

Soooooooooo....I'm back, but just barely. Seeing as how I NEARLY DIED on the road in St. Louis this weekend.

Here's the weekend rundown...

Friday, X's program went fabulously. He remembered his lines and sang and threw himself at Santa (while screaming, Saaannnttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I don't know why. We don't really do the Santa thing at home, but he seems to be a pretty hardcore believer this year.)
I went to stay with UPS that night...we had a lovely time, thanks for asking.

Saturday the fun really got started. They picked me up an hour and a half late (didn't I tell you 9am meant 10:30? I was right on the nose!)
We were having a great time, the four of us. Until about halfway there when the rain turned to sleet...3/4 of the way there, it was sleet and giant blowing snowflakes. We were slightly less happy, and more like, oh, I don't know...praying a lot. I-44 was a literal nightmare. People driving like idiots, people driving without their lights on, etc...

By the time we got to E2's aunt's house and dropped our stuff off, it had slowed down, and we were able to hit the malls and do a little shopping. We had dinner at a really nice Italian place and an hour later J and I were fighting over who got to throw up first in the Old Navy parking lot. Not a great experience. And no, we were not drunk. At least I wasn't. I didn't have a drop of alcohol all weekend, thankyouverymuch.
We go back to the house and get dressed for the show, and by this time the snow has picked up again, you can't see the roads (or across the street for that matter), so we leave an hour and a half early for the theater. Good thing we did too.

The musical was absolutely amazing. The girl who played Elphaba (The Wicked Witch of the West, for the uninitiated) brought the house down. After her first solo song, people were literally staring with jaws dropped and eyes popped. She was incredible. I had tears in my eyes, it's really indescribable how good she was. The girl who played Glinda was great too. Very Mary Katherine Gallagher-esque choreography on occasion.

We left the theater at 11pm to my version of hell. The police were directing traffic, the roads were solid sheets of ice and snow (no blacktop showing through, no lines showing, nothing. Solid sheets.), only two cars at a time could make it through the green light at the corner. The 15 minute drive back to the house took us an hour and 15 minutes. We were on I-55, and once again, you couldn't see the roads at all. No one was driving in a lane, because there were no lanes, lol. We just kind of stuck to the middle, so if we were to slide off, it'd take us a while to get there, LOL! Cars were all in the ditch, overturned in the median...And the best part, when we got back to South County, we saw a police officer stop at a donut shop (cliche come to life!) and another police officer parked under a bridge PLAYING SOLITAIRE ON HIS LAPTOP. I am not even kidding. We were stopped at a red light right beside him, and could see in through his car windows. I felt very served and protected at that moment, let me tell you.

Sunday was more shopping and the trip home, which was much more relaxing for everyone. The roads were cleared by that time, so we could enjoy each other's company. It was a fun trip, not a homerun or anything, but a solid stand-up double. Clarifying, the show was a homerun, just not the overall trip.

I didn't take a single picture. That is why I don't make promises, I always break them. But I'll have something photographic to post this week to make up for it. I never did post any from Halloween...

I hope you all had a great weekend, and hopefully I'll be back to normal tomorrow. I'm exhausted!

Friday, December 14, 2007

Something Wicked this way comes...

Oh holy Shiite Muslim, I am so freakin' excited!

Tomorrow I am headed up to the STL to see Wicked. We will be seeing it at the The Fox Theater. I'm going with my married friends E1 and E2 (Now that they're married, they both have the initials EJG. Weird? Yes.) and our gay friend J. We plan to shop, see the show, and then go out and have some fun.
In honor of this little excursion with E1, E2, and J, I will share a story that involves the three of them. This one is entitled, "Just one of the times SK drank too much and embarrassed herself".

It was my first Christmas after X was born. It was the first time I'd been out of the house around other adults with no baby, and the first time I was allowed to drink after nearly a year of no alcohol, due to being knocked up and all...

I don't really plan on drinking much at this Christmas party, hosted by E1 and E2. I plan on chatting and being a grown up. Well, that's not what happened. I wasn't in the house 5 seconds before someone handed me a Dos Equis. I don't even like beer, but that sucker was gone before the sweat hit the coaster. Then I switched it up to egg nog. Umm..Yeah, it was heavily spiked. But it tasted so good. No exaggeration, I drank 3/4 of the bowl I used to be the good time girl, you know? Drinking the boys under the table and what not...I did not factor in no drinky for long time equals don't over do it sista. I remember kaleidoscopic vision and people laughing at me and continuing to bring me glasses of white wine. I must have smoked three packs of other people's cigarettes...It was the first, last and only time I ever had to be carried out of E1, J, and my ex husband.
E1 and E2 say this is why they haven't hosted a Christmas party since. I drank all the booze, and left none for the other guests.

Let's just say, I've never repeated that experience. At least, not to that degree.

So, I'm definitely looking forward to this weekend. Tonight X has his preschool Christmas program, after which he and L are going home with their dad. I'm going to stay with UPS tonight, go home tomorrow morning and pack for STL, then leave around 9am-ish for the city. It's a four hour drive. I'm not even dreading the drive. It'll be like four girlfriends on a road trip. Yeah, yeah, two of the involved are guys, but one is gay and E1 is very effeminate, so yeah, like four girlfriends...So fun, I can't wait!

And guess what? I'm making a promise, which I never do, to post pictures. I swear I will take some and get them off the camera, ok? I will post them sometime next week, most likely Tuesday.
Ya'll excited now? I thought so.

Happy Weekend!!

Oh, and I wanted to add...I've been working on the other One Hit Wonder TTs, and I'm telling you now, cutting these things down to 13 is hard work. The 60s were difficult, but I did it. The 70s? I haven't even begun to pare those down yet. It is kinda fun though!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Thursday Thirteen : DOA Part One

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

This week's Thirteen is a music one. Thirteen One-Hit Wonders from the 1950's. I hope I am not the only one who was given a great love of the "oldies" by a family member. My grandmother was a teenager in the '50's and this was "her" music. We had some of the best times on Saturday afternoons listening to her old records and singing along...she even let me wear her old poodle skirts. (yes, they really do exist.)
I found the songs on One Hit Wonder Central. I'll probably do a list like this for every decade, but not all in a row. Enjoy the walk down memory lane...

1. Little Bitty Pretty One by Thurston Harris, 1957

2. The Book of Love by The Monotones, 1958

3. Rockin' Robin by Bobby Day, 1958

4. Purple People Eater by Sheb Wooley, 1958

5. To Know Him is to Love Him by The Teddy Bears, 1958

6. Only You, Instrumental by Frank Pourcel, 1959

7. Sea of Love by Phil Phillips and the Twilights, 1959

8. Sorry (I ran all the way home) by The Impalas, 1959

9. Get A Job by The Silhouettes, 1958

10. Mr. Lee by The Bobbettes, 1957

11. One Summer Night by The Danleers, 1958

12. Sh-Boom by The Chords, 1954

13. Earth Angel by The Penguins, 1955

Several mood enhancers and a trip to Walgreens later...

I was in a bad mood yesterday, wasn't I?
Today should be better. So far, the only bad thing to happen is the losers at Sonic forgot to put picante sauce in my bag, so I had to dip my tater tots in regular ketchup. Ew.

About a month ago, our town got a Walgreens. Very exciting stuff. Today was my first trip in. Around here, you have to wait about a month to go someplace new. I haven't been to the Colton's Steakhouse yet, b/c it's packed every night, and God help us when Ruby Tuesday opens this summer. Anyway, I needed laundry detergent, and didn't want to go to the 'Mart.

I thought Walgreens was supposed to be a nice store. Ours is pretty ghettofied for only having been open a month. Have you ever seen the movie "The Good Girl" with Jennifer Aniston and Jake Gyllenhaal(or however the heck you spell it)? It's kind of like the store they work at. Very depressing. The people behind the counters look tired and lost, like they were very high or attempting to manage a hangover. Slumped shoulders, eyes glazed over and staring into space, twirling hair around fingers, chewing gum with mouths wide open...

The commercials on television make Walgreens look like a magical place where everything is glittering and lovely. False advertising. I expected the workers to be bright-eyed, with sparkles on their cheeks and a song in their heart...much like the elves in The Santa Clause. Ah, well. Disappointment is a part of life I guess, lol.

As you may remember, I work two doors down from a pawn shop. All the time there are men (and a few women) walking down the street carrying guns, or on occasion, chainsaws. I thought I was going to witness a homicide this morning. A man came out of the pawn shop yelling and storming around, then slammed back inside. Soon, a police car drove up in front, and the man came back out with a rifle, still yelling, stomping, etc...He was literally waving the rifle around like a crazy person.

I was nervous b/c the cop is the really cute one who calls me Miz K (we met during an incident with the ex last summer, and he always says hello when he sees me. Anyone want a 20something cop for a boyfriend? He's a very nice guy.)

Hottie Police Officer said something to him , Captain Angry calmed down, got in his truck and started to drive off...but not before screaming, "I'm leaving now, OK???" at the top of his lungs. Welcome to Redneckville. HPO then came into the store to say hi. I told him I was glad he didn't get his head blown off, and he just laughed. Apparently this guy is one of his "regulars". He takes stuff to the pawn shop all of the time, and about every other trip in, he thinks they are trying to rip him off, and he loses it. I could never date a cop. I would be worried sick all of the time. I have a very close friend who is a sherrif's deputy, and I worry about
him like crazy (he's already been in one high speed chase where he hit a tree and nearly died.)

UPS has a pretty safe job, for which I'm thankful. Unless a large pile of boxes falls on his head, I think he'll be ok.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The queen of un-cool proudly wears her crown

I've been talking about gift giving a lot lately, but it's just on my mind, so here's some more gift talk...
I have been declared "lame". Firstly, I didn't know kids said that anymore, but whatever. I was on the phone with my stepmom, and we were talking Christmas. I overhear my sister in the background saying, "God, is she going to get me some lame book again or something?" Lame. Is that what I get for buying the kid award winning young adult literature? You know what? She's lame for sitting her fat 13 year old ass in front of MySpace all day having cybersex with God knows who while my stepmom shuffles her even fatter ass around ignoring what she's doing. If they lived closer, I'd be all over that girl trying to keep her from getting herself into trouble. I didn't do anything 'wrong' until I was 17. She's like a satanic terror, and I hate saying that about my own little sister, but it's true. My dad and step-mom also have a two year old (who is one month to the day older than MY two year old...yeah, weird, right? Right.) who is pretty much uncontrollable. The kids run the house. Sooo frustrating. Anyway, apparently I give lame gifts.

I'm hoping that UPS's kids don't feel that way...yes, I went in the book direction, but they're cool books. P is 8, almost 9, and I got him the Ripley's Believe It or Not book. An 8 year old will love that right? It's freakin' awesome! For the 5 year old I got Extreme Dinosaurs. The cover looks and feels like a leathery dinosaur eggshell, and there is a big shiny green eye peeking out of it. It has lots of cool pages and pictures with textures and secret open-up compartments, and on the page about Velociraptors, a big one pops up out of the middle. It is really, really cool. I mean, I would be thrilled to get one myself.
*sigh* UPS got my L a firetruck that makes noise and lights up, and X a giant airplane thing...also that makes noise. I guess this is why he is a dad and I am a mom.

Wow, this is a bad post...But I'm too lazy to change it because I have strep throat again. Yes, again. Why, why, why?

Hmm...Let's rethink things for a moment. You know, historically, the four weeks leading up to Christmas (or the advent) is supposed to be a time to relax. To prepare oneself for the coming of the Messiah, the King. How backwards do we have it? We're rushing around all crazy-like, and taking no time to think of what the season is really about. Is it about finding a Wii in time for the 25th, or is it about oh, I don't know, a king being born that will save all mankind? Not to preach, but seriously.
Gift giving is supposed to represent the three wise men bringing gifts to the baby Jesus...So save yourselves some money ok? Tell your kids that if three presents were enough for Jesus, three presents are enough for them.

And who cares if they call you lame.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Got Cosmo?

I read it. You read it. Errybody and they neighbor's dog reads it.

But why?

I picked up the January issue this weekend, partly because it was time for the '08 bedside astrologer, and partly because Hillary Duff was on the cover (don't judge me, or I'll judge you back.) Also, in a really big font was the headline, "Dirty Sexy Sex". Well now. That requires some looking into. What a disappointment. It ranged from the "no thank you" (doing it on an exercise ball. that screams, "someone will be injured") to the "been there done that" (giving a blow job in the shower - which was the reader tested winner, btw).

Is Cosmo really the sophisticated woman's bible as so many claim, or merely a bunch of paper glued together with the same old crap in it every month, just shuffled around a little? I'm really leaning toward the latter. But will I still buy it? Yeah, probably. So what does that say about me?

Shifting gears, changing lanes...

Things I am thankful for:

-That I am not outside right now, b/c it is fucking pouring down rain.

-That it is only rain and not ice like the poor people north of us got.

-That UPS is in my life. I could get all mushy and elaborate, but I don't think anyone wants to vomit from imbibing in too much sweetness this morning.

-Footie pajamas on two year olds. It's really too cute for words.

On that note however, I was in WalMart looking for new pjs for the boys (so they look nice in Christmas morning pics, you know?), and I found footie pajamas in ridiculously large sizes. What 12 year old boy wants to wear footie pajamas? And what kind of cruel, cruel parent buys the 12 year old boy said footie pajamas? I know I could make a Christmas Story reference, but I won't, as that is a movie and I saw this shit in REAL LIFE.

Happy Monday!

Friday, December 07, 2007

Josh Groban, eye makeup, and I get to have sex tonight!

So, since we're pushing Christmas stuff at work, I decided to buy some Christmas cds to play in the store, right? I saw a Josh Groban one. "Hmm, I love him." I thought, "but I don't have any of his music, why not start with the Christmas album."

It starts out great. His version of "Little Drummer Boy" has me bawling every time I hear it...but I guess when I said, "I love him" I meant, "I love one song at a time." After you listen to more than three songs in a row, your eyes begin to cross. After that your brain begins to liquify and drain out of your ear. It makes quite the mess. So a word of warning, take your Josh Groban in small doses.

So today is "The Day". Yesterday UPS was feeling the strain as much as I was. He was leaving and I told him I loved him, and he says, "You gonna show me how much tomorrow night?" I laughed in his face and said "No. Since I'm a sex-crazed maniac and all, and you made that sound like a bad thing, you'll have to go without."

That was met with a scowl.

So today, I look hot. I mean, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I spent a long time perfecting the look this morning. I'm not sure what I did, but my eye makeup is fabulous. I look a little bit like a fairy princess...but in a good way, not a 5 year old's interpretation of what a fairy princess looks like. I also picked up some new lingerie (yes, but I bought it. So don't bring up last Thursday.). That man will not be able to keep his hands off me. And thank God for that.

Happy Weekend!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Thursday Thirteen : Oh, and then this one time...

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No real topic today, just Thirteen Things That Popped Into My Head.

1)You know what's a weird word? Fork. (I like Drew Barrymore, ok?)

2)You know when people ask you, "If you could be any animal you wanted..."
What? Why in the world would you want to be an animal in the first place? I for one, have no desire to lick myself and get fur all in my mouth (oh lord, I can just hear the comments on that statement), I don't want to shit in a box of sand, and I don't want to have people aiming their cars at me, should I be out for a leisurely stroll.

3)I could really go for a slice of pizza right now. Hot, melty, greasy goodness....*makes Homer Simpson noise*

4)I haven't had sex with UPS since Thanksgiving and I'm about to lose my mind. I keep having these fantasies where he walks into work and...then....I....Jesus I need to get laid. We'll finally get to be alone Friday night.

5)I sometimes get crushes on fictional characters. Snape in Harry Potter for one, Jack Sparrow for another...With Snape, I had this whole drawn out thing about how I could be the Muggle Studies teacher at Hogwarts and win his heart...It was a kinky sex fantasy thing...I'm a freak, sue me.

6)There's this song out called "Apologize" by Timbaland and One Republic. I love that song. Every time I hear it though, I think of R.E.H., because of his dealings with "The One"...Hmm...guess you'll have to read his blog to know what I'm talking about.

7)Speaking of songs that remind me of people, Collective Soul has a song called "Hollywood" that I sing to annoy UPS. His nickname is Hollywood, so it's fitting. I just change the lyrics to make it gender appropriate.

8)I played clarinet in the band from 6th to 8th grade. My teacher had a scratchy voice that made my eyes water. His wife came into the store yesterday.

9)When I was a wild 'n crazy heathen, I used to get drunk a lot. And I flashed people on a fairly regular basis. Nearly all of my friends have pictures of my boobs. I'm not ashamed of those photos. In fact, I like to show them off and say, "See, this is what they looked like before I had kids..." And that's what they'll look like again one day, after my sugar daddy buys me a new pair.

10)I like Sugar Daddies...Like, the candy. They're pretty good...yeah.

11)You know what's a weird word? Fork. Wait, I already said that...but seriously. Say it over and over again. Also, Llama.


Llama llama llama.

12)My boys love the new Hairspray movie. We watch it several times a week. I have a mini-crush on Zac Efron, but only in that movie. Also, Who knew James Marsden could sing and dance? And I didn't think he had range beyond X-Men. Cool. By the way, Michelle Pfieffer should never, ever sing. Ever.

13)I do get to go see Wicked next weekend. I made the plans work. Super excited.

Mkay, so that's what you get when I just sit and let my mind wander.
Happy Thursday!

Haute Pockets and the Date From Hell

I have this little sandwich maker thing that I LOVE. Love and adore, actually.
Person 1 - "So what are you having for dinner tonight, a roast beef sandwich?"
Me - "No, I'm having bread stuffed with hot melty roast beef and pepper jack cheese."

It's not 'just a sandwich'. It's like, sandwich couture.

Yeah, that was random, sorry. I'm hungry.

So yesterday Cece had a post about a hair dying experience that went...awry. It reminded me of a hair embarrassment I had on a first date once. The first date was terrible, and I thought I'd share it with you.
When I was in the 6th grade, I had a humongous crush on this guy, N, who was an 8th grader. Actually, it was borderline obsession. We had become casually acquainted in some way, and I just thought he was a God. I even remember what he signed in my yearbook that year...But I digress. Fast forward to the summer after my senior year of high school. My best friend is dating his best friend. Well. How about that. He asks them to set us up and I just about died. I was so excited. It was fate, right, that 6 years later he decides he wants to date me?
So it's date day. I want to look super hot of course, so I decided to touch up my hair color. First bad move : Do not try a new hair color the day of a big date. I think it was called Ruby Sunset or something...Anyway, when I finished and dried it and styled it, it looked pretty good. In the sunlight it was more like a flaming beacon. In his was the same color as his interior. Well, we had a little laugh about that, but no big deal. Our first stop on our double date was to play laser tag. This was not something my friend and I would have picked, but the boys chose the first activity. Whatever. While we were laser tagging, some little kid jumped out in front of my friend, she tripped, hit the wall with her face and her nose began to bleed like crazy. Well, that ended the tag.
After 20 minutes in the bathroom she was repaired and we headed to the movies.
The movie was nice and there was the cute little first date hand holding thing going on...Afterward, in the parking lot we were standing around trying to decide where to have dinner. For some reason, N climbed up and was standing in the back of his friend's truck. He was just standing there while we were all talking...then the friend, C, goes and gets in, starts it up and says, "Come on guys, I'm hungry let's figure this out!" N turns around with his back to the tailgate to face C, makes some snarky comment and C puts the truck in gear and hits the gas really quickly. N falls backward out of the truck and smacks his head on the asphalt parking lot.
Imagine three people screaming, "Oh shit!" In unison. I run over to N, and I'm talking to him, trying to keep him awake and he slowly sits up and then lays back down with his head in my lap, bleeding all over me. I'm telling him to lay still, we need to take him to the ER and get him checked out, when he stands up really fast and says, "I'm fine, I'm fine, I just need to sit down." He grabs my hand and C pulls down the tailgate of the truck and N and I sit there together. Suddenly, he's very frisky. He has his hands all over me and is leaning over and kissing my neck and the rest of us are like, Ok, he needs to get to the ER immediately. His eggs were a little scrambled, we definitely weren't to the 'making out in public' part of the date, LOL.
By the time we got to the hospital he couldn't remember anyone's name. He kept asking for me and C, but he was calling us 'The tall pretty girl' and 'The skinny blond guy'. I think I stayed there with him for 4 hours until his parents arrived.(they had been out of town)

That was the end of that relationship. I called and checked up on him once, and then he went back to college two weeks later. We say hi when he's in town and we see each other, but that's it.
How awful. Guess it wasn't fate after all.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Step into Christmas with me....yeah.

Who has two thumbs and is finished Christmas shopping? This girl.

With one exception. I don't have anything for UPS yet. I know, you all probably expect me to be the gift giving expert after my Thursday Thirteen last week. Wrong-O.

I like to give non-practical gifts. I don't give things like scarves and mittens (unless they're cute and whimsical), I don't give clothing(unless it's a shirt that says something painfully witty or just plain stupid). I give people things like a zippo with Hello Kitty on it, or a book about something they really love (I got my dad the Andy Griffith Show yearbook once. Big hit.) UPS is a very practical, down-to-earth kind of guy. He told me to buy him a new hat. I'm not getting him a freakin' hat.

So, here is what I'm thinking. He loves to fish. I mean, loves. to. fish. He used to travel the country and do bass fishing tournaments. So I found three really nice coffee table books about fishing. I could wrap them in brown paper, tie with raffia and add a couple of lures instead of a bow. Or I thought I could plan a weekend excursion to the lake, rent a cabin and let him fish to his heart's content while I hang out at the spa. If I do this, he'll have to wait until his birthday in January. December cash flow is not so great. Since it would be a big trip and fairly high dollar, I thought it could double as Christmas/Birthday combined.
What do you think? Men, I really need your opinions on this one, ok?

You can also offer up other suggestions as well, I'll take whatever you throw my way.

In an unrelated topic...I got the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie this morning. It's so exciting I almost peed my pants a little. I have not seen it yet, so the antici....pation is killing me. Next week I'm geared up for the 5th Harry Potter movie. Somewhere in there I'll get Superbad as well. I have a movie buying problem. Walmart has a $5 rack and a $7.50 rack. I have a dvd addiction, and this just feeds it. "Oh, sure I need Big Daddy. It's only five affordable and not breaking the bank...oh, and while I'm at it, let's get this one...and this one..." Until my bank account is overdrawn and I'm standing in rags outside of someone's house with a shaker of salt over my head (to mimic snow, a la old cartoons, remember?) begging someone to let me I can see what movies they have, then head back to the 'Mart after I get my next paycheck and pick up any good ones I missed last time.

I guess this is residue from my film student days. Maybe I should get UPS some movies...

Monday, December 03, 2007

Let's Play House

Saturday was a preview of "Life with UPS and Samantha...and their four kids".
UPS's oldest son was in his town's Christmas parade, so my boys and I headed up there to freeze our asses off support him. After the parade we went back to their house and UPS made dinner. And I mean made dinner. Roast, mashed potatoes, the whole nine yards. It was kind of nice, the two of us in the kitchen and the boys destroying things in the other room...I'm fully aware that it was a best case scenario, and that normal day-to-day life with all of the kids together would be insane, but it gave me a little bit of hope. It's all do-able.

Although I don't think my boys and I would be able to move in with them should the whole 'forever' thing happen. It's too much their house, if that makes sense. P (the oldest son) is very territorial and hyper-protective of his stuff. To make it fair, I think all of us would have to have a new start...somewhere new for all of us. Otherwise the transition would be...unpleasant. At best.

Nothing eventful other than that. The wit-switch must be turned off today. I always have a million things I think of to post as I'm driving to work, then I sit down and my mind is so numbed from the monotony of work, that the creative juices cease to flow.
I guess somebody's got a case of the Mondays...