Tuesday, January 29, 2008

This just might be my week!

I have an interview for the job at the school Thursday at 1:00.
Remember, this is the fancy job with things like insurance, dental coverage, and retirement.

I will also be in the same building as my little brother. How fun, being around to watch out for him during his high school years...

UPS and I are attending a wedding together in two weeks. I have never been anyone's date to a wedding. I've either been in the thing, or I"ve gone with friends...or my mom.
I could be normal and say, "hey, I'm going to a wedding for a person I have never before laid eyes on!"

Or I could be a psychotic overthinking girl and say "Hey, I'm going to read way too much into this and imagine that he's testing me to see how I respond to all the lovey-dovey, frosting covered schmaltz...and party mints. If I respond in a positive manner, perhaps I'll be getting some frosting covered schmaltz of my own soon!"

Except I don't want frosting covered schmaltz. Or party mints (even though they are quite delicious.)
I have had a wedding.
When we get married, I think it will be the day I wake up and say, "Ok, let's do this thing!" And we will march to the courthouse.
Or, really, if I had my way, we'd just go file for the marriage license so that it'd show up in the paper, and then tell people we eloped.

Yes, lie.

So that's my immoral admission today. I would lie about being married.

There are worse things I could do...

Monday, January 28, 2008

Claudia's Questions - Answered! But first, Weekend Update...

UPS had a nice birthday. We didn't get to do anything special, really, but we just kind of hung out together. Very nice.
Saturday night he went gigging (basically this involves impaling fish.) with his friends and I hung out on his couch in front of his tv, lol. I baked and decorated a cake for him, complete with 39 candles (yes, we lit them all, and I made him blow them out...he did it in one try and nothing caught on fire, lol).
Because I am in 'job loss' mode, he got a card. But it was a sweet card with a lovely handwritten note inside.

And now for the headline story....


So a week or so ago, I told you to ask me anything. Anything at all, and I would answer. You guys took me seriously, and I think I delivered in fine form. Claudia had some great questions for me, and I decided to put them all together into a post of their own.

I didn't see the question thing. Shit! I have lots and lots of nosey questions. Here I go:

1. Why are you underemployed?
2. What will it take for you to say "I quit"? (Your car was broken into, you have a stalker, I mean really....)
3. What's your dream job? If the clothing thing is it, why has it taken so long?
4. What are you passionate about in your life?
5. What do you want to create in your life? (A spin on "what are you doing with your life?")
6. How old are your boys?

Ok, so those are what I'm up against. Here I go...
Why am I underemployed? I assume the real question here is, "Why are you working retail management with no benefits and crappy pay?"
Because my husband left me with nothing, this job became available, and I fell in love with it. Not the job, necessarily, but the business. I LOVE IT. We sell award winning, heirloom quality toys, books, and games; educational decoratives and resource material for classrooms (preschool through grade 12); we host/plan birthday parties; hold playgroups; teach early childhood enrichment classes; provide homeschoolers with curriculum and general info, etc...
We are a wonderful business, but a slow business. The owner is a great friend of mine, but she doesn't advertise. Money is an issue.
I love this job because it allows me to be creative. I love marketing, I love promoting, I love dealing with people. Making sales calls is my favorite thing. I like selling. I'm good at it. I'm very persuasive, lol.

What will it take for me to say I quit? Well, hmmm...Getting the job at the high school, or winning the lottery. (This was asked before I knew this job was being eliminated...eventually. I'll be at work all week.)

Dream job? My dream job is to be the owner of the New York Yankees. When I was 14 I became convinced that I would win them from George Steinbrenner in a game of high-stakes poker.

I'm still waiting.

You probably want me to be serious, sorry.
I could channel Renee Zellweger from the movie Empire Records and say, "I wanna sing in a band, but I don't have the guts to even audition."
But that wouldn't be serious either.
There isn't one "dream job" out there for me. I can love anything, really. I'd like to work in the theatre business, I'd like to own a restaurant, I'd like to own a book/record store, I'd like to work on a political campaign, lead trail rides, be Snow White at Disney World....you get the idea.

What am I passionate about?
My big thing right now is making sure others are really living, you know? Not holding themselves back from going for the goal...I guess I am passionate about others embracing their own passion? LOL, well, I know what I mean even if you guys don't think it makes sense. I tend to be everyone's personal cheerleader.

What do I want to create in my life?
Peace. Happiness. Love. Joy.

How old are my boys?
X is 4(8/8/03) and L is 2(7/17/05).

I'm not sure than I answered any of these in the manner she wanted, but I'm in one of those happy, flighty moods that take me over every 72 years or so...kind of like a comet.

Maybe these questions were really just one question spread out a little. Maybe she was asking, "Who are you?"

I'm a daughter, a mother, a girlfriend, an ex-wife, a sister, a friend, a woman. I'm a small-town girl with a big city mindset who no longer thinks the concrete is grayer on the other side. I like my small town sidewalk cracks just fine.
I am up, down, in, out, black, white, and red all over.
I'm irrational but sometimes way too practical. I like to hurry up go, and then take it slow. I love art, film, theatre, and classic country music. I don't like sell outs, but I love cable television.
I have developed a new way of thinking. One day at a time. One of my favorite Bible verses (yes, I'm going there) is in Matthew chapter six. Translated into SamanthaSpeak it says: Don't worry about tomorrow, today has enough going on. This little verse makes all the difference to me. If I spend all day worrying that tomorrow might bring hardship, I've totally lost today. Lost it. 24 hours, gone, caput, bye bye, seeyalater.

So who am I? I dunno. Can you define a life?
Claudia, thanks for the post inspiration, even if my answers sounded like a Britney Spears soundbite from TMZ.com or something.

Oh the places I have been, oh the places I will go...Won't you join me?

Friday, January 25, 2008

Take that, Federer!

I interrupt the incoherent ramblings on this blog to say that Roger Federer was beaten in the semi-finals at the Australian Open.

Novak Djokovic, I was always a casual fan, but you tended to choke at very inopportune moments, making it difficult to root for you. Now I think I believe you can win anytime, anyplace. Good luck in the final!

Ok...back to normal.

Had a nice long post all ready, then deleted it.

I suck.

Oh, and I'll be around on Monday. We've been so busy at work this week (and two of the boss's three children have pneumonia), that she's decided there's no way she can only be open in the afternoons.

I am still job hunting, and praying the job at the high school comes through. They missed two days of school this week (MLK day Monday, then Tuesday for ice), and today is a half day for teacher's meetings, so I won't know until next week.

UPS has a birthday Saturday. He's going fishing. Tonight we're taking his oldest son to basketball practice, tomorrow we take him to his mom's, and then Saturday I hang around his house and wait for him to get back from the lake.
Sounds like he wins and I lose in this situation, but really, I get to watch whatever I want on television while he's gone.

Have a good weekend!
**Monday will probably be the day I post my Answers to Claudia's Questions post. I can work on it Saturday night from UPS's desk.**

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Thursday Thirteen: And you can quote me on that


It's a quickie this week. Thirteen random quotes from the rich, the famous, the normal.

1)"It's ok, you can sleep when you're dead". From my horoscope yesterday.

2)"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt.

3)"Mom, all I want is a goldfish that won't up and die." - X, my four year old.

4)"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you" - Oscar Wilde.

5)"It's never just a game when you're winning." - George Carlin

6)"Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try." - Fran Lebowitz

7)"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - John F. Kennedy

8)"If they ask you to take your clothes off, get the money first." - Amber's mom, from the movie "Drop Dead Gorgeous".

9)"Let's have a bachelor party! With chicks, and guns, and fire trucks, and hookers, and drugs, and booze!" - Bachelor Party.

10)"Love is when you look into someone's eyes, and suddenly, you go all the way inside, to their soul... and you both know, instantly. I always imagined I would fall in love, nursing a blind soldier. Who was wounded in battle. Or maybe while rescuing someone in the middle of a blizzard, seconds before the avalanche hits. I thought, at least, by the age of fifteen, I would have a love life. But, I don't even have a "like" life." - Angela, aka Claire Danes, from the television show "My So-Called Life".

11)"My name is Matt Foley, I'm 35, divorced, and I LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!" - Chris Farley

12)"Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver" - Bumper Sticker

13)"It is a good thing to follow the First Law of Holes: if you are in one, stop digging." - Denis Healy

The girl can't help it...

There's this new Fergie song that is constantly stuck in my head...it sounds familiar, like it's a cover or a sample...Malcolm, help me out. Is it Little Richard?

I used to write a lot of poetry. I was even published in a college textbook and two poetry compilations. I don't have a copy of any of them, lol. They were about relationships and involved nature metaphors.

Do all bloggers long to be serious writers?

How did you envision your life when you were an angsty (or idealistic) teen? I had all kinds of plans, all kinds of ideas.

I was going to be a film maker and challenge the minds of the world.

I was going to be a sportswriter or announcer. A witty female with the scoop on all the ins and outs of baseball, tennis, football, golf...

I was going to be a journalist with an edge, but sympathetic to the everyman(woman).

If you'd asked my friends how they saw me in 10 years, they'd have said I'd be dressed in a wardrobe of black, flying high on caffeine with a cigarette burning away between my fingers.

In reality, I'm a feisty single mother recovering from a series of bad relationships and a marriage to a soul-sucking taker. Like that cigarette seen burning between my fingers, I was crushed out into an ash stained tray.

Something has re-lit the flame. I don't know if it is my latent survival skills kicking in in the face of adversity, or the love of a good man, but the ember is glowing again.

I may never be on the New York Times bestseller list, I may never call a championship game, but by God, I have a blog and a head full of nonsense. This is either fuel for the fire, or a recipe for disaster. Only time will tell.

The blogosphere is a unique experience. We are screen names, we are avatars, we are one. There will always be someone willing to share too much information, and then allow us to comment on it. It's like a soap opera, only without a writer's strike threatening to destroy our drama.


Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Bring it on. Bring it the fuck on.

Water is running in a mid-sized river as I drive up the street toward my house. It is ten minutes after five o'clock and my boys, who I have not seen in 50 hours are singing a praise and worship song behind me in their car seats.

"Did it rain today?" I casually wonder. "No, I would have noticed that. The city must have been working on water lines." That must be it, I decide.

I draw closer to my house and notice that the river is rushing at a higher intensity. Curious. A feeling of dread and panic begins to creep up slowly from my stomach, where it becomes lodged in my throat like an aspirin taken without a drink.

My driveway is the real river. The street merely its tributary.

I leave the kids in the van as I rush inside, water furiously pouring from beneath my home. I envision floating furniture and my cat clinging to the dining room table in a DiCaprio-esque manner (edited to say, sorry for the idiocy...this should have been "Winslet-esque" shouldn't it?). What I find is a flooded laundry room, wet lint sticking to everything, boxes of mementos with enemy water soaking in at a rapid clip.

I start throwing things out into the kitchen and begin my frantic phone calls.

I feel crazy - unbalanced. Like I'm standing on a ladder in high heels and someone below is threatening to give it a good hard shake.

Thankfully things were resolved much more easily than I had anticipated.

The plumber shows up this morning to replace the frozen washing machine lines beneath the house. He was very attractive.
After Friday I think I must have developed a feeling of entitlement where good looking men in uniforms are concerned.

I almost made a pass at him.

Kidding! I'm kidding. I don't want to become known as the girl who solicits sex from UPS men, plumbers, and the dude who brings me my pizza.

Or do I?

To add insult to injury, we had freezing rain last night. My van was covered by a sheet of ice. I reach up on top of the entertainment center to grab my can of de-icer. I feel the coldness of metal beneath my fingers and thinking I've struck gold, I pull it down.

In my hand was a can of instant snow. You know, the stuff you spray on your windows to get a delightfully tacky wintry glow to add to your holiday decor.

All I could do was laugh.

Happy Tuesday, ya'll!!

OMG, just heard on the radio that Heath Ledger died. WTF?

I feel very sad. In the grand scheme of things, why is this depressing me?


Monday, January 21, 2008

Romance novel or reality?

As I sat home enjoying a deliciously decadent (and incredibly rare) paid Friday off from work, watching Sex and the City on dvd, doing laundry and other terribly glamorous things, I hear a knock at my door.

I open it and on my front porch, dressed in brown with a pair of Raybans shading his eyes, was quite possibly the sexiest man I'd ever laid...eyes on. He pulled me savagely to him for a kiss, and then on top of him as we tumbled to the floor.

I was living every at-home woman's fantasy.

Such is the life of a UPS deliveryman's girlfriend, lol.

Saturday we took his son out for his 9th birthday, delivered him to his mother's house, went out for a drink, and hit the bed for the best sex I've ever had in my life.

Sunday we laid around doing n.o.t.h.i.n.g. It was wonderful. Just lounging on the sofa watching the Barrett-Jackson car auction...Until around 3:00 when he decided we needed to do something productive. So this girl stepped waaaayyy out of her box, put on coveralls and trekked into the forest to watch my man chop wood. For real.

Then we came home and made dinner together and watched the Green Bay/Giants game.

Today is an unpleasant return to normalcy. The boys were with their father from Saturday afternoon until this morning.

As for the job, I should know something by Wednesday.

And Claudia has a post coming that's all her own. She asked me some really great questions last week, and earned herself her own post, where I will answer them.
I hope you all had an amazing weekend!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Thursday Thirteen: Ask and You Shall Receive

Last week I asked for question requests and it took a little prodding, but I got enough to fill out my thirteen. So, this week I'm answering commentor's questions.
(I'm not answering them in any particular order, I just cut and pasted them into the post, lol)

So it's not very organized. Forgive me. I meant to link everyone who asked a question, but didn't get around to it. I'll do something special for all of you soon!

Thursday Thirteen: Ask And You Shall Receive.

1) I think this may be my favorite, Malcolm asked: If Hollywood made the Samantha_K story, who would play:

Me : Ava Gardner. We look alike, yeah? Right, like in my dreams! Photobucket

UPS (my boyfriend for those out of the loop) : James Denton. He has that ruggedly handsome thing going for him like UPS does. During the week, UPS isn't allowed to have facial hair b/c of his job. But last October he was on vacation for a week and he grew a goatee...Holy shit. I almost did him right in the middle of the floor at work.

R (an old flame): Billy Crudup. Because he has the sweet-looking clean shaven face, and he can pull off the rocker look (a la Almost Famous). That's how R is.
Photobucket Photobucket

Ex Husband: This random guy. This is one of the pictures that popped up when I typed 'metrosexual' into Google image search. Photobucket

Ex-Mother-in-Law: Paula Deen.

2)From Jay:

Here's my question: What illegal activity would you do if you knew that you absolutely would get away with it?

Hmm...Make counterfeit money? I don't really have the urge to do anything illeagal...I mean, I was a little bit tempted to say "murder someone", but if I wasn't attempting to save someone's life, I don't think I could ever take another.

What is the craziest or strangest place you ever .. uh you know .. got it on?

This one is easy, lol. In college I was dating this ridiculously hot basketball player, B. We were out one night,it was early, only about 9pm or so, and we were at the park just kind of talking and all of the sudden we were going at it on top of a picnic table directly under a street lamp. Cars were driving by literally 15 feet away. I had three different people call me and say, "Hey, SK, saw your car at the park last night, heheheheh."

The personal question for you? Well OK...since you brought up the subject...What is your favorite style in the bedroom...slow and passionate? or Fast and Hard? And of course you gotta give us the Why....

This one is situational. It really depends on my mood, or how the whole thing starts in the first place. If we're out somewhere and I suddenly pull him into the bathroom with me, there isn't going to be a lot of "slow and passionate" going on. It's going to be fast, hard, and thrilling. But if we're at home, and the heat has been building, it's more likely to be a slower, take your time sort of thing.
Both are equally wonderful.

Who's the one man whose balls you want to kick through his skull?

Well, you said I couldn't say George W., which rules out the top spot...Hmmm...I don't really have a lot of rage directed at the males of the species. Out of fun I'll say Roger Federer, so that someone else can win a tennis tournament once in a while. Like say, Andy Roddick.

Woozie also asks what I wear to bed at night.
I'm sure you're all disappointed to hear I don't sleep nude. Difficult when you have two small children. Generally a pair of painfully cute pajama pants and a strappy tank top. Very un-glam, I know.

What is it that you plan to do with your next 25 years?

Be happy and content with my life. Do more for others, try new things, make every day count...I didn't realize how controlling my exhusband was, I didn't realize how much I was really missing out on. In the next 25 years I just want to get 'me' back. I'm partially there, but I have a lot left to go.

Question-What are you wearing? ;)

I'm dressed for work. Jeans,heels, a cute sweater. Bo-ring.

Have you ever gotten down and dirty with a woman?

During a game of spin-the-bottle in high school, there was a kiss that went on a little longer than normal, but otherwise, no. I hate to disappoint you, but as of yet, there has been no kinky goings-on between me and another chick.

Also, do you sing in the shower?

Not in the shower. Showers are precious time away from the children. I get to be in it for approximately three minutes before jumping out in time to save someone from doing a one and a half gainer off the dining room table.
But I sing around the house all the time.

7.Karen -
What activites did you do in high school? (Were you a cheerleader? Did you play a sport? Drama club? Young Republicans?)

Well, I certainly wasn't a young republican, lol.

In high school I was the editor of the school newspaper, I worked as stage manager for several productions, I took AP English classes for fun, I was on the Homecoming court my senior year (I lost queen by three votes. I'm still bitter. Gimme that damned tiara already!), I dated a crazy guy...
High school was fun for me. I liked being involved, and it won me a Leadership Scholarship for college, so it wasn't in vain.

8.REH -

What, in a man, turns you on?
If a man can make me laugh, he's golden. If he can also have a serious discussion, even better. I have to be intellectually stimulated. I have dated all types: Rockers, athletes, overweight, underweight, not-so-great-looking, and supermodelish...All of them have been able to charm me with intellect. I'm also a sucker for a musician or someone who loves film as much as I do.


What, in a woman, turns you on? (If anything)

Of course women are turned on by women! It doesn't have to be a sexual thing.
For me, it's confidence. Confidence and warmth. Most of my close friends are male. I don't do the female bonding thing well. I like a woman who won't accuse me of trying to steal her boyfriend or who doesn't expect me to spend every waking second of my life trying to fix her problems for her.

My two best girlfriends are they type that even if we didn't speak for a year, we could meet for lunch and it would be like nothing has changed. If I ever have a crisis, they are there for me and vice versa. But there is no clingy dependency.
That is a huge turn on.

9.Joshua -

How do you like your eggs?
Scrambled, over-easy, benedict or omeletized. Eggs are yummy!

Who is your fav. person on the Simpsons?

Smithers. I love him. I love him so, so much. A second is Mr. Burns. He's deliciously creepy.

why did you start blogging?

I originally started blogging b/c my exhusband was working a second job at night, and didn't get home until 2am-ish. My kids were in bed by nine, so it was just me, the laptop, and late night television. I was feeling a little trapped and out of touch with the world, and this let me connect with people.

10.Prunella Jones said...
What is your favorite cheese?

Well, Pru, it's like this:

Pepper Jack. I will eat it on anything, anytime, anyplace. It is the best.thing.ever.

Let's see... getting personal....

How do you feel about up the butt?

Hey, you said to ask! lol

I had to save this gem for last. I have indeed, been there, done that. At least partially. It wasn't terrible, I can maybe see the appeal...but it's really just this whole terrifying ordeal, lol. I guess I belong in the "just a little, but no more" camp.
I have a little advice I like to pass along to my fellow females about this subject. If your man keeps pressing you, and you just don't want to do it, politely suggest that he find himself a boyfriend. He will probably shut up.


So there you go. Eleven people asking a few more than 13 questions, so I feel it evens out.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


Yesterday was certainly a whirlwind.
Next Friday is my last day of having a job.

Yep, I'll be unemployed.


I get the job as the secretary to the IT department at the high school. I have a meeting with the man for whom I'd be working tomorrow afternoon.

Hey, and UPS is the delivery driver for the high school, so I won't miss out on seeing him every day. And he can even have lunch with me, because with the new job, I'd actually get a lunch break. Imagine that!

Yesterday was basically spent freaking out and calling everyone in the world that I know trying to find a lead on a job ASAP. The owner of my store has decided to drop inventory and only be open from 3pm to 6pm, and all day Saturdays. Well, I certainly can't afford to live on those hours. We're pushing the limit with my full time pay.

Please say a prayer to Tom Cruise, God, or Oprah that I get this job. I won't know for certain until next week.
But you really hope I get it, or you'll be out a blog to read for a few months. I won't have the internet and a computer at home until the summer.

Before you ask me why I have to be a slave to "the man" and get a day job when I should be out persuing my interests...Listen, I've got two small children to take care of. They come first. They need food and a home and a mom. If it were only me, maybe I'd pick up and move to wherever, and do whatever.

Reality and fantasy don't blur in my world. They each have their own place, and I have to be fully invested in reality right now.

Either that or I become a hooker.

Which may have to be an option should the IT position fall through, lol.

Maybe they have red lightbulbs on sale at Walmart this week...

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Hey shawtie it's your birthday, We gonna party like it's your birthday..

Drinkin' Bacardi like it's your birthday, and we don't give a fuck it's not your birthday.

Ah, 50 Cent. You have made those words legendary. Much like the phrase, "I love you like a fat kid loves cake".
How would the world fare without you? And how are you still alive after being shot NINE TIMES?? (say "nine times" like in Ferris Bueller's Day Off...it makes it funnier.)

So birthdays are on my mind, can you tell? "No, really, SK?" the collective audience asks.

Yes. Really. It is true.

The Boyfriend (aka UPS) will be the big 3-9 on the 26th.

This Sunday is his oldest son's birthday, and he'll be nine. I plan to sneak into their house on Thursday and fill the house with helium balloons and leave a gift and cake on the table for him. UPS will be less than thrilled about the balloons, but P will love it. I know, I know. I'm the coolest.

Back to UPS's birthday...I thought about throwing him a big party at our favorite bar, but changed my mind. He doesn't want to make a big deal of it, so I'm buying him dinner and we'll just have the entire weekend to ourselves.

Does 39 sound way older than 38 to you? People are fully aware of our age difference, but when I say he's going to be 39 (even though they KNOW HE'S 13 YEARS OLDER) they raise their eyebrows and say, "Oh!" In this very shocked tone, and make some comment about a May-December romance. I take offense to this, as it is much less a May-December romance than like, a July-October one. And I'm very happy in my July-October romance, thank you. LOL.

And that just brings me around to the most important subject of all. MY birthday (2/23).

So what do you have planned, eh? A surprise party? Ya'll gonna swarm my little bitty town and take over? All cake and balloons and flowers and maybe even a tiara...

Well, you're out of luck. I won't even be in town on my birthday, so ha!

UPS is getting his Christmas present that weekend. He's getting the weekend getaway to the private cabin on the lake, but he nixed the fishing trip. He said he wanted to take the trip on my birthday weekend and spend the whole time holed up in our little cabin-o-love. He said he can go fishing any old time. Isn't that sweet?
I told him it kind of ruins the present part on his end, but he said since I'm paying for the cabin, that's gift enough. He can foot the rest of the bill.
I'll accept that as fair, lol!

Truth be told, I actually get kind of down around my birthday. I don't know why. I've never had that overwhelming excitement about it before. Maybe this year will be different.
I love other people's birthdays though. I love to do 'em up big, loud, and crazy. Just call me the life of the party.

...You can find me in the club.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Good Monday!

I hope you all had a sparkling and spectacular weekend.

Mine was...interesting.

Saturday I decided to pull out all the stops for UPS, as he was having a bad day on Friday.
I made him dinner, set the mood with new table linens, new place settings, candles, the whole nine yards. After dinner I popped in a cd of my Thursday Thirteen from last week...the variations in the music certainly made things exciting, lol. I had bought big fancy fluffy towels, more candles and bubble bath and that was a good time too...

Then we melted lead to make fishing jigs. Seriously. That is how I spent the rest of my evening. I could not even make up a story that good.
We ended the night watching Three's Company reruns and falling asleep with the television on.
Sunday morning he got up to go rabbit hunting (what did those bunnies ever do to him?) and I went back to bed for a while, cleaned up our coffee cup mess, and went home.

I am staggered by how different this relationship is from any other prior to it. Fishing jigs? Rabbit hunting? I'm more of a "let's go to the theatre!", "let's redecorate the entire house!" kind of girl. But I'm getting used to it, and it's actually kind of fun. More and more I'm getting anxious for a summer filled with days on the lake, and going home where my man will then cook what he has caught. There's something very rustic and romantic about the whole thing. I can do this.

However, I draw the line at baiting my own hook.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Do you wanna touch (yeah!) Do ya wanna touch (yeah!) Do ya wanna touch me there?

By "there" I mean my back. By "touch" I mean, a long hard massage.

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I am walking around like an 87 and a half year old man on a 30 degree day.

How do I remedy this? Do I go to UPS and say, "Even though you're the one who drives the big brown truck, and lugs large heavy boxes around for about 10 hours a day, will you please rub the back of your woman who sits at a computer and does nothing overly strenuous?" I think I'd feel guilty. And if I play it out like some kind of romantic thing and start on him, it'll turn into sex, which will lead to him falling asleep. And he is the soundest sleeper I have ever met. So now I'm even more physically weary, but not sleepy, and I have to listen to him snore.

This is not a winning situation, is it? I should just fork over the dollars and head to a professional, shouldn't I?

So here's what's been on this chick's mind so far this morning....
--Very few people participated in the "ask me a question" thing yesterday. You get one more shot and then I'm letting Jay fill in the rest of the questions. Whether he wants to or not. He's been recruited.

--I've been getting lots of hang up calls at work. I think I have a stalker. Thinking about investing in one of those Taser/MP3 players that Claudia mentioned a few days ago...Tunes and safety. Perfect combo!

--You know what? Maybe it's the mailman! Remember the mailman that I thought was gay, turns out he's not, and he's a little obsessed with me? Maybe that's who's calling...He did tell me I was radiantly beautiful today, so if he's the stalker, that's ok.

--I have the solution to the whole writer's strike thing. They should just hire us bloggers. Lord knows we're pretty darn funny. Not me so much, certainly not today, but some of you are freakin' hilarious on a consistent basis. That's better than the ones getting paid, as they're only funny about 73.2% of the time.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I'm sure I'll have something worth writing about next week. Stay tuned!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Thursday Thirteen: I'm in the Mood for Love

I've not only been incredibly positive and happy over the last week, I've also been really, really....worked up, shall we say. So I got to thinking about a few songs that make me get in the lovin' mood, or make me think of past experiences. So here's a list of some of the contenders. I present, Thursday Thirteen edition 11, I'm in the Mood for Love.


1)Have a Little Faith in Me - John Haitt.

This is such a great song, and John Haitt's version is definitely my favorite. In particular it reminds me of the movie "Benny and Joon", and the scene where Johnny Depp and Mary Stuart Masterson have their 'first time'. Outside of UPS, JD is my dream man. Oh Jack Sparrow, take me below deck! Pillage and plunder. Arrg Matey, indeed!

2)First Time Ever I Saw Your Face - Roberta Flack.

Turn the lights down ya'll, let's get romantic. This is a holdmeclose taaaakkkee youurrrr tiiimmmee kind of song.

3)Crazy Bitch - Buckcherry

This one is a tie-your-man-to-the-bed and fuck him like crazy song. Makes me feel flirty, dirty, and little bit dangerous.

4)Angel Eyes by The Jeff Healey Band

I have loved this song for-ev-er. What girl hasn't been playing the wallflower at a dance when you suddenly lock eyes with your high school crush, and you imagine him singing this about you...in the backseat of his car.

5)Feelin' Love - Paula Cole.

I feel so sexy when I hear this song. Confession time: If I'm alone and this song is playing, it doesn't take long before there's some red hot imaginary lovin' going on. All I need is this song and a fantasy. (The runner up to this is Lost Without You by Robin Thicke)

6)You Can Leave Your Hat On - Joe Cocker.

The stereotypical strip-tease song, and a fantasy I've yet to act out...give me time;)

7)Singin' in the Rain.

This one is slightly perverse...It reminds me of my high school boyfriend. We used to put in a movie and turn up the volume when we were getting it on. Often it was A Clockwork Orange. Oh, the memories...

8)She Hates Me - Puddle of Mud.

Along the lines of #7, R had a burned cd we'd crank up as we were getting down. By the time it got to this song, we were usually in the final throes...Ahh...

9)In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel.

Just picture John Cusack and Ione Skye sweaty and trembling in the backseat of that car...and of course, the stereo above the head. To be 17 again...

10)Cowboy Take Me Away - Dixie Chicks.

This one is corny, I know. But tell me a tumble in the grass in the middle of nowhere doesn't sound enticing?
(A side note, in college I had a friend who worked as a drag queen, and was starting a band...I said they should call themselves the Chicksie Dicks. He laughed so hard coffee sprayed out of his nose. It was very funny.)

11)Crazy on You/Magic Man - Heart.

Both of these make me feel like I'm on an uncontrollable psychedelic trip. Makes me wanna go...well...crazy on someone.

12)No One - Alicia Keys.

This is my current favorite song. UPS and I had a really good time last weekend because this song was playing and I just lost myself in love (and lust, yeah.)

Is it getting hot in here??

13)When You Say Nothing At All - by anyone.

I don't care who is singing this one - Keith Whitley, Allison Krauss, Ronan Keating, it doesn't matter. This song usually makes me feel like emotional, lay-it-all-on-the-line love making.

So now you know what gets my heart thumping, the river flowing, and my emotions going...How about you? What song tickles your...fancy?

And now for a request. Next week I want to get personal (what? you ask. You mean even more so? Yes.) Post a question in the comments section and I'll answer 13 of them next Thursday, and the rest probably on Friday.

Enjoy the rest of your week!

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

I really think someone drugged me on Sunday

And it's a high powered drug, because I'm still running full tilt on enthusiasm. I mean, I have always been a positive person. The glass has always been half full, even if it was half full of liquid with mold coating the top.

But this is bordering on ridiculous.

I think today it's because of the New Hampshire primary. How fun is this? No matter how you slice it, there's either going to be a chick or a black guy on the democratic ticket come November. That is thrilling! Even more thrilling is the fact that either one of them would do a great job in creating change. I'm sure everyone here knows I'm a hardcore Clinton supporter, but I do love me some Obama (even though a small part of me feels he could be the Antichrist...It's a conspiracy theory I've been working on, perhaps I'll share it one day) He's very charismatic, but also very young and inexperienced. They said that about JFK too, I'm sure.

But in a bar fight? My money's on the lady.

And as for the GOP, Way to go Mr. McCain. He's a spry one, and I like that. Mitt Romney could drown in boiling oil and I wouldn't care, but I'd jump in and pull John out. He's a nice guy, I can tell. I'll bet he gets in the floor and plays with his grandchildren.

Anywho, enough about that. I promise not to get too politically charged around here. I like to fight about this stuff, it gets my blood flowing, but I'll keep it outta here for the most part.

The only bad thing happening right now is my ass of an ex husband who hasn't seen (or contacted) his children since Christmas. So if I'm carted off to the clink for committing murder, you know why.

Updated @ 12:52 - One more bad thing. Apparently my car break-in on Monday wasn't just a lipstick swipe. My debit MasterCard is now missing. It's what the state puts my child support payments on. So now I'm off to call it in. But I'm sure someone enjoyed their meal ticket for a few days, and I'm out the cash. Great.

But damn it, I'm still smiling!

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Suddenly See More

Isn't it funny how when you're up, everything and everyone is trying to bring you down? What the hell??

Yesterday was just one thing after another. When I went outside to go to work yesterday, my van door was standing wide open and there was (were?) greasy black handprints all over everything. The front seats were covered in dried grass. Funny, but the only thing missing was a tube of lipstick. And I had some cash up in the sunglasses compartment, so maybe someone just needed a little freshening up.

Then my boss tells me that she is very seriously considering selling the business. Not like, to another owner so I'll still have a job, but just the inventory. So I spent the afternoon scrambling around trying to get my ducks in a row, getting my feelers out for a job.

I didn't panic, which I take as a good sign. When I look back to where I was a year ago, with literally NOTHING (trying to adjust to being a single jobless mother living on the $450 I made working only on Saturdays, feeding my kids with food stamps, and receiving zero help from my darling ex husband), I am encouraged that I am at least partly back on my feet now. I can successfully run an entire small business essentially by myself. The owner is only here maybe two days a week.

So I guess I didn't really let it get me down, did I?
I see bigger things in my future (no, not big flesh eating plants as could be implied by my title line, lol), I have HOPE, which is something I was certainly lacking 12 months ago.

And here's the exciting part...I'm going to try to make a go of that children's clothing line I was talking about several months ago. I made shirts for my boys a while back that say, "Don't blame me, I'm too young to vote", and people stop us all the time to ask where they came from.

I was awake all night thinking about this, and I'm very, very excited. Like, pee in my pants excited (only I didn't really, don't worry).

So, that's that.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Britney did something crazy

Yeah, sorry. Hard up for a subject line, so I thought I'd just steal one from the mainstream media...

I just thought I'd let you know that you are talking to (or reading the words of) a whole new person. Well, not new. How about a rejuvenated, "back to herself" type person.

The weekend didn't start out all that great. My mom picked up my boys Friday night because she knew I was feeling a little down and out, which was nice. So I called UPS and we went out with one of his friends. Well, the friend turns out to be a little touchy feely after a few beers and while dancing he began to um...make UPS a little upset? Not a great way to end our evening out, but when we got home it was worth it. I think I like UPS a little bit jealous, lol.

Saturday R called and wanted to come over. I told him no! Good for me, right? Yes. But then I started feeling a little wistful and mopey.

Sunday however, was a brand new day. I don't know what happened. It started out fairly normal: church, lunch out with my ex-mother-in-law (it's a Sunday tradition), and home to clean up the house...Later that night I was sitting around and it was like a cool breeze washed over me on a hot day (like the visual? Yeah, I'm creative). I was just like, ok all of a sudden. I was just happy and positive and ready to take on the world.

I woke up this morning and thought, "Ok, what can I do to make the world a little brighter today?"

Plus, it's like 65 degrees outside, so I'm sure that is helping.

So here I go, off to start my day. Inventory to do, customers to smile at.

Have a great Monday!

Friday, January 04, 2008


So I had quite the hurdle to jump this week didn't I?

And I think I cleared it.

When UPS stopped in to see me late Wednesday, I told him R was in town. I explained that he was one of the best friends I've ever had in my life, that we had once been together, and that I hadn't seen him in six years. I also told him that he was the only one who'd ever made me forget about R for even a second. And that's the absolute truth. I even gave him the option of telling me I couldn't have dinner with R. I didn't want to disrespect UPS in any way. He is the direction my life is headed, not California.

Being with R that night was so, so hard. I felt like I was constantly fighting back tears...well, probably because I was, lol. Unless you've done it, you have no idea how hard it is to look into the face of someone you loved beyond measure and tell him that it just can't be. R was what I thought I wanted for so long, how could I push it away when he was standing right there in front of me?
We held hands and talked for a long time that night...
The only thing he said about UPS was, "Don't do anything irrational."

He still wants me to come to California.
I don't think he gets that I mean it when I say I'm not going.

Why aren't I going???

Someone posted a comment yesterday that R doesn't bring out the best in me. My first reaction to that was, "Not true! He does bring out the best!" But that isn't quite right. Yes, R makes me feel empowered, but he also makes me feel a little bit overpowered. I've always done everything he's told me to. R makes me feel selfish, and like the only thing that matters is how I feel, screw everyone else.

I'm a mother now, my brain doesn't operate on that frequency anymore.

I'm feeling topsy-turvy and scared.

Still, a part of me wants to throw everything away and be with R. But it's a much, much smaller part of me than the part that wants to be safe in the arms of UPS. That's where I know I am valued above all things, and appreciated not only because I am a woman, but also because I am a mother. UPS and I are on the same wavelength. We have the same priorities and goals for our lives.

R is still chasing a dream. And even though I know he loves me, I still can't help but feel like he just wants to win what he lost six years ago.
I think I finally understand that he'll never be the man I want him to be, and I will never be the girl that I was.


Um, so...it's Friday.
Woohoo and stuff.
Have a great weekend.
I have really exciting plans like cleaning the house and grocery shopping. UPS and his oldest son might come over for dinner one night...not sure. After all the turmoil, I could use a quiet weekend to myself.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

The Rocker Returns and Thursday Thirteen: Bad Influence

Drummer-in-a-rock-band Richard.

There was a big lead up to that before Christmas that went nowhere, right? Did he come home or didn't he?

Well, he didn't come home when I expected him to. I thought I'd dodged a bullet. I was even fine with it. Just made everything a little easier. I didn't have to explain him to UPS, I didn't have to tell him that UPS and I were in a very serious relationship. Good, good.

I'm working on inventory and I hear the bell ding above the door to let me know someone has entered the store. I see this guy with this crazylong hair and facial hair...he has a friendly look on his face like he knows me. I had just kind of glanced up and asked, "Can I help you?"

To which the stranger replied, "Are you kidding?"

It was like someone took over my body. I screamed "Oh my God!" at the top of my lungs and literally threw myself at him. There was the whole picking me up and swinging me around moment. Very exciting.

I hadn't seen his face in six years, and there he was. Standing right in front of me. I was shocked. Surprised. And so, so happy to see him.

I guess I have to tell UPS that he's in town. R is taking me to dinner tonight. So I guess I have to tell him that UPS and I are on the road to Forevertown. (It takes a long time to get there...)

I'll tell you all about that later. For now, in honor of R, here is Thursday Thirteen: Bad Influence (Posted late Wednesday). Thirteen things about my relationship with R, things about us, things we've done, etc...

1. I have smoked pot exactly twice. Both times with R. The first time was at his 19th birthday party. All I got was tired and cranky, what was the fun in that? I did agree to try it one more time a few weeks later. Tired and cranky. If this was what all the fuss was about, I could leave it.

2. I totalled my car one night coming home from his house. At this point in our relationship, it overlapped with my relationship with ExHusband (this is before we were engaged or married or anything, ok?), and ExHusband didn't need to know where I'd been...I was driving down the dirt road and a deer ran in front of me. I panicked (I'd already hit one deer that year, it isn't a fun thing) and lost control of the car, barrell rolling several times and flipping end over end at least twice.
Obviously, I did not die. And no, I had not been drinking.

3. We worked together and everyone was all up in our business relationship-wise. One day, the woman who worked in the office told everyone in the place that I was pregnant and that I was afraid to tell R. I had people coming up to me all day asking me what was going on. I was so upset that I started crying. R saw me and wanted to know what was wrong, but someone else blurted out, "She's pregnant, you idiot!" Before I could say anything. He immediately sat down beside me and said, "This is ok. We'll be fine..." Other things befitting the "situation". He was so sweet and serious it was almost a shame to have to tell him I wasn't pregnant, lol. And boy that office lady got her ass handed to her, let me tell you.

4. Girls were always hitting on him. It was so bad that they'd actually come into the store and hover around giggling.

Amazingly, I only had to yell at a few and threaten one.

5. He is my first real, true, absolute 100% love. There is one person before him who came close, and UPS is the only one after.

6. He would do anything for me. There is not a doubt in my mind about this.

7. He asked my step-dad if he could marry me a week before he proposed. I said yes immediately, and we were ready to just run away and live our lives together. But things got in the way, he wouldn't stop partying, he wouldn't calm down...I wanted a stable life and we'd started fighting about it. I was tired of the lifestyle we were living. So when ExHusband proposed as well, I broke off the engagement to one and accepted the other.

And spent the next 5 years of my life being miserable without my Richard.
(I got my kids out of my marriage, so yes, it was worth it, but everyday I wished they were my boys with R, and not the ExHusband)

8. Our work had a men's softball team, and R played. After the first game, I ran over and threw my arms around him and gave him a kiss. He looked at me and said, "You are the only girl I've ever been with who'd come anywhere near me if I was hot or sweating."
I was shocked.
Who cares if he had grass in his hair, mud on his face and sweat dripping down his cheek? I was going to kiss him anyway.
I loved him.

9. We fought a lot. I think we liked it. To this day, he is the only person I have ever unloaded my full temper on.

10. Making up was great ;)

11. His eyes are just as blue as I'd remembered.

12. Tonight is going to be one of the most difficult nights of my life. It's overwhelming to think about. And I feel a little sick.

13. I love R, I have missed R like crazy for six very long years.

But I will not...WILL NOT...ruin what I could possibly have with UPS by doing something stupid.

Not even to get blog fodder.


Wish me luck, and happy Thursday!

C'est Janvier!

Wow, I really did learn something in high school French!

Public school isn't so bad after all!

So who got drunk and who got lucky? Any exciting NYE stories to tell? UPS and I hung out with our kids, got them to bed around 10PM, and then the two of us stayed up and played Battleship.

Mama needed a drink and was a little desperate after all those kids running around her. But Grape Crush and Wild Turkey 101 don't mix. That is my Public Service Announcement for the day. Take it seriously, folks.

It was the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth.


I think the new year might call for a new job. I've started hating this place beyond all explanation. I used to truly love it. I still love the concept. I love our product and the possiblities...I do not love working for someone who can't seem to get the ideas off the table and out the door. I don't fault her, really. She's busy. But my livlihood is hanging in the balance. My kids need a house to live in and food to eat...and a mother who isn't stressed out 85% of the time.

Now, on to resolutions. I don't generally do new year's resolutions, because they're kind of like promises. I don't make promises because I don't always follow through on keeping them. Therefore, I do not make resolutions, because I can't keep those either. I think that's fair to everyone involved, right?

This year I'll throw a few out there for fun, mmkay?

This year I resolve to:

1. Lose 10 of the 15 pounds I've gained since UPS and I have been together. I am very vain about the size of my jeans.

2. Kick Matt Lauer in the face. Hard.
(That seemed to make everyone laugh on Thursday, so I thought I'd throw it out there again. I'm a one-trick pony, so sue me.)

3. Stop over-analyzing things and learn to relax.
(If this one happens, it'll be a miracle.)

4. Move to a new house.

5. Find a new job.

6. Stop putting razor blades and acid into kids' Halloween candy.

7. Release Rudolph into the wild.

8. Stop instigating fights between small mammals.

9. Stop cracking my knuckles. This is the one thing I do that drives UPS crazy. (This is on here for good measure...really, I say, I'll quit cracking my knuckles when he stops snoring. Let's see how that goes.)

10. Never, ever drink Grape Crush and Wild Turkey 101.

Ok, so there's ten resolutions for this year. I expect all of you to hold me accountable.

Happy New to the Year.


(11. Stop trying to make slang work for me.)