Monday, April 30, 2007

Summer in the city...

City. Yeah, I use that term extremely loosely since my town is barely tipping an 11,000 count population.
The weather over the last several days has been amazing. Warm breezes, bright sun. The smell of scorched asphalt and hot tires. How can anyone breathe in freshly clipped grass and spring flowers and not be transported back to childhood? I step outside and I'm suddenly 12 playing in the pool with my friends. Or I'm 17 driving to the river where we sit on the bank and drink wine coolers we somehow managed to get our hands on. Slightly buzzed, slightly sunburned and more than slightly happy, we wade out and laughingly fall on the slippery rocks, and inevitably lose a flip-flop in the fast current. Every day was filled with possibility.
Summer is a little different now. For me it involves trips to the zoo, and taking the boys to kid day at the fair in July. The fair used to be the coolest thing ever. We just HAD to go, to see and be seen. Last year when the ex and I took the boys, it just looked run down and dirty. Must be some magic in going at night with the lights shining, rather than mid-day when you can clearly see what's going on.
After work and dinner tonight the three of us have a date with the front porch and a box of sidewalk chalk. Every day is still filled with possibility. It's just theirs now.

title of post

My friend Nikki has a theory. Maybe it's not an original theory, but regardless, it makes decent sense. She thinks that the idea of women needing to be thin stems from the fact that women are becoming more powerful in the world. More female CEOs, politicians, etc...So to keep men the dominant of the species, it is being bored into our brains that women should be small little things. That way they are still able to be taken care of by their big, brawny counterparts. And when you think of it, the timing seems to be about right too. It's kind of funny that the women's lib movement that made so many people feel empowered and brave enough to break out of their aproned shell, also was a time of women being idealized differently. Women who are highly motivated and successful are deemed bitches and ball busters, men who do the same are go-getters and goal oriented. I have a way to fix it. How about, instead of women starving themselves, why don't we buy all the insecure men penile implants? Or if they're too afraid of going under the knife, we'll just buy them all little red sports cars. See? Problem solved.

Monday, April 23, 2007

The first phone call I receive this morning...

Me: Hello, the Teacher Store this is Samantha. Can I help you?
Caller: Um, yeah hi. Is this the clinic?
Me: No, this is the Teacher Store.
Caller: Oh, ok. Sorry.

That person is certainly not getting a gold star today.

--I guess Saturday night was party night for all the opossums or something, b/c on the way to church yesterday, it was like, 'possum palooza. There were 4 dead ones within an 8.5 mile stretch of road. Xavier says, "Mom, what are those squashed cat things?"

--On my bad-list today: Belligerent home schoolers. You have three basic types of people who home school their children. 1)The ones who really believe in it, follow the guidelines and give their kids a good education. 2)the ones who think they can do a better job than the public or private schools. they just don't understand why their kids are getting bad grades or are in trouble, because of course they're perfect angels. (This group doesn't usually home school for very long) 3)And the ones who say they home school, buy some stuff here and there and expect me to tell them what they need and how to go about the whole situation. This group doesn't last very long either.
Anyway, I just had a lady come in and tell me (yes, TELL me) that I needed to give her a pamphlet about an upcoming homeschooling convention. Well, we don't have any, sorry. She gets mad and says, "well I lost mine and I know it's coming up b/c it's the end of April." Sorry lady, don't lose important pieces of mail and expect me to bail you out. It's The Teacher Store, not the take care of everybody's problem store. I realize I work in a service industry, and I have a responsibility to my customers. That is to help them to the best of my ability with what resources I have available.
Here, the customer is not always right.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Now this is entertaining.

What Samantha Means

S is for Sensitive

A is for Alluring

M is for Marvelous

A is for Athletic

N is for Normal

T is for Trustworthy

H is for Humorous

A is for Abstract
What Does Your Name Mean?

Umm..athletic? Not really, but I try to be. Normal? Sure for the most part. Everything else, yeah, I'll take it.

For the record...

It's officially been one week since I've had a cigarette. Thank you Jim for your encouragement, ;) . It's hardest at night, because after I got the kids to bed I'd go sit out on the porch and be alone with my nicotine, lol.

It's a really disgusting habit. I fully realize that, which makes it worse that I ever did it in the first place. I remember the first one I ever had. I was trying to make my boyfriend mad, LOL. He smoked marijuana, which I thought was horrible and pointless, and he hated cigarettes, so I started smoking to get back at him. So mature, right?? I was 17 and knew everything - ha! It's been an on and off habit since. Mostly off. Wouldn't have touched them again most likely, but the whole husband leaving me for a 16 year old kind of sent me back into the loving embrace of a cloud of smoke.

My inlaws (or ex-in-laws, whatever you want to call them. My MIL and her husband are my biggest supporters right now, so I don't like using the EX in front of them) are considering a move to Oklahoma. They wanted me and the boys to move with them. But I can't just leave everyone in my entire family and go traipsing off to Tulsa, now can I? If they were moving to North Carolina or Florida or somewhere I'd say yes in a heartbeat. I've considered going each of those places myself. I'm kind of in love with North Carolina for some reason. It's so pretty there, and the weather is nice. I'm pretty obsessed with UNC basketball, and I applied to and was accepted at Wake Forest, but couldn't afford to go. Brandon (from a couple posts down) lived near the campus growing up.

Can I ask a question? Why aren't more guys interested in women who have kids? I guess it is pretty intimidating, kind of like an insta-family. Maybe they expect me to throw them into playdates and soccer games right off the bat. That's not true. I probably wouldn't even introduce them to the kids until I was sure I actually liked the guy, you know? My parents divorced when I was 4, and I only ever met 3 of my mom's boyfriends, and one of them she almost married, and one of them is now my step-dad. I had no idea about any dates she had, and that's how I'd do it too. I guess I'm just scared of being alone, of raising my boys alone. I'm afraid I won't be enough for them. Who's going to teach them how to do guy stuff like fix things and change oil in a vehicle? (Yes, I want them to know how to do it themselves and not have to rely on some guy in a garage.)Who's going to teach them how to drive? Lord knows it doesn't need to be me, I'm a nervous driver as it is. I guess I'll just have to learn how to do all that stuff and teach them myself. Being a parent is a big enough responsibility when you think you have a partner to help you out, doing it alone is terrifying. Maybe I would feel differently if I had girls, I don't know. I know there are plenty of bad moms in the world, but bad fathers seem to get the most attention, which is why I am all worked up I guess. I don't want my boys to do to someone else what their father has done to me and to them. Sins of the father and all that. I don't want it coming back and haunting me years later. I'm thinking about all of this today b/c Xavier (my 3 1/2 year old) has been asking why daddy doesn't live with us anymore, can he have a new daddy, can such and such be his daddy, rips my heart out. He used to be a really good dad, now he just doesn't care anymore. It's been 2 weeks tomorrow since he's even spoken to them. How can anyone be that way? How can anyone stand to miss out on watching their children grow? Oh, well. I don't have to worry about that do I? I'm not missing out on a thing.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Everything in moderation

You Are the Ego

You take a balanced approach to your life.
You definitely aren't afraid to act out on your desires - even crazy ones.
But you usually think first. Morals drive you as much as hedonism does.
You've been able to live a life of pleasure... without living a life of excess.
Are You Id, Ego, or Superego?

Someone has a case of the Mondays

It's my first time working on a Monday. I've been here for 28 minutes, and I've already had a rude customer. She was waiting in the parking lot when I got here, and I was already irritated by that. We open at 10am, lady, not 9:30. So she huffed and puffed around practically stepping on my heels as I was trying to unlock the doors, turn on the computers, and get my kids corralled back in the playroom. I asked if I could help her and she said, "No, I'm just looking. And it's very unprofessional to bring your children to work." So I told her she must be shopping in the wrong store then, b/c my boss brings her kids every day. That's the whole reason there's a playroom in the first place. Saves us all daycare expenses. Rude old lady.

The weekend was ok. The highlight was probably playing a game of freeze/unfreeze with the boys Saturday night. There's something terribly liberating about dancing and running around like a maniac while a 3 year old and a 20 months old are shouting, "freeze!, UNFREEZE". They were laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes. See? I'm not all mopey doom and gloom, I can have fun occasionally.

I'm looking out the big front window right now, and you would not believe how blue the sky is. It's like when movies were first made in technicolor and things were unnaturally bright. There isn't one single cloud, just this expanse of blue. It's amazing. When you look out this particular window it's easy to be distracted by the furniture store across the street (you can see right into the display room) and the flower shop sign next door (the sign says, "Bokays, spring plants, and preorder your prom corsages now." Would it be rude of me to call them and tell them bouquet is spelled wrong??)...but all you have to do is turn your eyes up a bit and get a load of that blue. Wow. It'll change your whole mood.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Well, now. I like this. I'm special, just like everyone else!

Your Personality is Very Rare (INTP)

Your personality type is goofy, imaginative, relaxed, and brilliant.

Only about 4% of all people have your personality, including 2% of all women and 6% of all men
You are Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Perceiving.
How Rare Is Your Personality?

Can you get your hands on the world's smallest violin and play me a little tune??

I've been psychoanalyzing myself in regards to my lovelife, past and non-existent present. Who am I attracted to, who is my type? Guys with problems, that's who. Sad-eyed pathetics who need something. I like to fix things. I pant. I salivate. I can smell a weak wreck of a mess 100 miles away. Men in movies I'm attracted to? Leonardo DiCaprio in Romeo and Juliet (but only in R&J), Brad Pitt as Tristan in Legends of the Fall, Johnny Depp in anything. Brooding rock stars. Dark eyed and brilliant (probably the brilliance shines brightest under the influence of illegal substances). I do travel to the far opposite as well. Colin Firth in anything; I have my bright-eyed American boy, Andy Roddick; Verile starlet-loving Derek Jeter, and fast, simple Dale Earnhardt, Jr. In my history of men all of them fall into the first category, save one. His name is Brandon. He was a college basketball player, a star. Beautiful and strong. There was a bit of drama as well, because he was black, and that made the grandparents none too happy. Every boyfriend I've had since I was 16 has either asked me to marry him, or suggested it in a joking manner. The only offer I ever considered (besides The Ex, of course) was from Brandon. If he were to show up on my doorstep tomorrow I'd throw myself at him, but that relationship ended very sadly, but that's another story for another time.
As for my current situation, it is devoid of romance. I know exactly four single men. One is my best friend's...well, I'm not sure what. But he jumps when she says jump, so he's out. Numero dos is the 19 year old that works for my step-father-in-law. He also does my yard work. 6'4", blond, former high school football player. I'll bet he's a great kisser, but again, he's 19 so he's out too. Third is my best male friend. I've known him for 15 years. I love him beyond words, but he is a republican...and he's gay. Since I am not now nor will I ever be a republican, and because I'm lacking a penis, I guess he's out too. Finally there is the 36 year old son of some family friends. He owns his own home and has an excellent job. He's tall and handsome, with nice blue eyes that crinkle at the corner when he smiles, gray flecks in his hair that drive me wild for some reason, and a sexy little scar on the right side of his face above his lip. He stares openly at me and tells me I'm fascinating. If I were to ask him out, I'm positive he'd say yes. But I think I'm just a novelty to him. Carefree for the most part, and as easygoing as he is uptight. I'm annoyed that he's so conservative. I don't think he is strong enough to let me rock his orderly little world. He's a perfectionist; I don't believe in perfection. Plus, I know his ex-wife. The pool of availability is very shallow here, and I am painfully impatient. I'm not good at being alone, that I've learned. Yes, yes, that sounds like a personal problem. Just another to add to my arsenal.

--a side note. You know who does love best onscreen? Baz Luhrman(I'm sure I just massacred the spelling of his name). Don't just take my word for it, watch his films. Strictly Ballroom, Romeo and Juliet, Moulin Rouge. You know who does love best in the real world? My children. Pure, simple, blind and overwhelming love. That you can take my word for.

Last night I smoked a cigarette inside the house(yes, fell off the wagon so to speak) which I never do. I made fancy macaroni and cheese, sundried tomato and parmesan, the new Kraft Bistro stuff. There are two windows over my kitchen sink that meet in a V. There is a little triangle shape of counter top behind the sink, in front of the windows. I crawled up there and sat with the window open, blowing my smoke into the cold rainy night like I was 17 and smoking out my bedroom window. There's a Jewel song I think, where she says, "I'd like to see the world from another angle", and I looked out over my kitchen. I was certainly looking at it from another angle. No one but my cat had ever seen that view before. The moment seemed important for some reason, and I genuinely wonder why.
I can be very vain. I get that from my father's side of the family. I can stare into the mirror for a very long time. I look very young, especially now that I'm as thin as I was my senior year in high school, when I was starving to be this tiny. Now tiny is just something I am. I don't leave the house without full make up, and I have an addiction to black eyeliner. The one time I did leave the house without it, my friend Joe told me, "You look very young tonight, like 12." Since his wife looks more like his little sister than the mother of his two children, I was insulted. But sometimes when I'm staring into that evil mirror, I look very old. My eyes have dark circles perma-etched beneath them. That's when you know it's not the years, but the miles travelled. To those who don't know me, my life until recently probably looked easy, simple. Just like cake. To the initiated, well, they know better. Trust me boys and girls, this little piece has gone several miles past her factory warranty. The good news? I bought the warranty extension. I've got all the miles in the world left to go.
PS...the macaroni was shit, don't buy it.

EDITING to add a really random thought....The kids were watching something the other day that involved a time machine and time travel. I got to thinking about that. Thousands of people travel through time every day when they hop a flight to where ever. Afterwards they asked to watch a Wiggles dvd, which made me think of Australia, which made me think of "that internet guy" (heh, lol) and how it was a totally different day halfway 'round the world. Isn't it strange to think that my today is someone else's yesterday, that their today is my tomorrow??

Saturday, April 07, 2007


Your Birthdate: February 23

People wouldn't take you for a passionate person - and that's where they'd be wrong.
You can develop deep emotions quickly, and you're the type most likely to move in with someone after a few dates.

Number of True Loves You'll Have: 3

Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 1

You are most compatible with people born on the 5th, 14th, and 23rd of the month.
What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

Whew, so I've got the heart break thing out of the way.

Easter is upon us

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Easter. A time of year when you think of happy little rabbits and baby chickies frolicking on a green expanse of lawn in 70 degree weather....70 degree weather, b/c that's what we were having a mere 4 days ago. Alas, tomorrow it will be 40ish degrees. Why taunt us Mother Nature, with 2 weeks of nearly 80 degrees then beat us down with snow in the forecast a few days later. Cruel, I tell you.
Do you know the best part of Easter? Cadbury eggs. Sickeningly sweet goop surrounded by chocolate. Fabulous. But what is the deal with all this new junk, like caramel eggs? Stick with the one who got you where you are, Cadbury.
Today the kids are supposed to be going to an Easter egg hunt...and they'll be wearing coats, hats, and mittens. How will that even be fun??
Xavier has suddenly decided that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are the best thing ever. As a woman and a mother I'm probably supposed to roll my eyes and say, "Oh, great" in a very defeated tone of voice. However, my eyes lit up and I said, "Oh, great!" in a very upbeat and cheerful tone of voice. I love those freakin' turtles! When I was little, I would pretend Raphael slept at the foot of my bed, and b/c Donatello was my 2nd favorite, he slept on the floor beside me. So the other day I found a boxed set of the three movie dvds for $17. We've now seen TMNT II: The Secret of the Ooze about 15 times. Cowabunga!

EDITING to add....
That I've just been perusing singles ads again. Not to actually find a date(hey, unless a nice normal person exists out there), but mainly b/c I've become obsessed with reading them. It's an addiction. Today I have been disturbed by 3 screen names.
1)Ive_bn_looking_4_u. Complete with a picture of a scary guy staring straight into the camera with an intense look on his face. How will most women respond to this? By saying, "Please STOP looking for me."
2)imlonelyenalone. Sorry, get a dog.
3)rusexy. Yes, but you're not.

I know coming up with a screen name for those things is probably hard, but really. Try not to be creepy or weird about it. The best one I've seen so far? Somegoofyname. Oh, yes. I'd date that guy.