Friday, January 04, 2008


So I had quite the hurdle to jump this week didn't I?

And I think I cleared it.

When UPS stopped in to see me late Wednesday, I told him R was in town. I explained that he was one of the best friends I've ever had in my life, that we had once been together, and that I hadn't seen him in six years. I also told him that he was the only one who'd ever made me forget about R for even a second. And that's the absolute truth. I even gave him the option of telling me I couldn't have dinner with R. I didn't want to disrespect UPS in any way. He is the direction my life is headed, not California.

Being with R that night was so, so hard. I felt like I was constantly fighting back tears...well, probably because I was, lol. Unless you've done it, you have no idea how hard it is to look into the face of someone you loved beyond measure and tell him that it just can't be. R was what I thought I wanted for so long, how could I push it away when he was standing right there in front of me?
We held hands and talked for a long time that night...
The only thing he said about UPS was, "Don't do anything irrational."

He still wants me to come to California.
I don't think he gets that I mean it when I say I'm not going.

Why aren't I going???

Someone posted a comment yesterday that R doesn't bring out the best in me. My first reaction to that was, "Not true! He does bring out the best!" But that isn't quite right. Yes, R makes me feel empowered, but he also makes me feel a little bit overpowered. I've always done everything he's told me to. R makes me feel selfish, and like the only thing that matters is how I feel, screw everyone else.

I'm a mother now, my brain doesn't operate on that frequency anymore.

I'm feeling topsy-turvy and scared.

Still, a part of me wants to throw everything away and be with R. But it's a much, much smaller part of me than the part that wants to be safe in the arms of UPS. That's where I know I am valued above all things, and appreciated not only because I am a woman, but also because I am a mother. UPS and I are on the same wavelength. We have the same priorities and goals for our lives.

R is still chasing a dream. And even though I know he loves me, I still can't help but feel like he just wants to win what he lost six years ago.
I think I finally understand that he'll never be the man I want him to be, and I will never be the girl that I was.


Um,'s Friday.
Woohoo and stuff.
Have a great weekend.
I have really exciting plans like cleaning the house and grocery shopping. UPS and his oldest son might come over for dinner one night...not sure. After all the turmoil, I could use a quiet weekend to myself.