Saturday, April 21, 2007

For the record...

It's officially been one week since I've had a cigarette. Thank you Jim for your encouragement, ;) . It's hardest at night, because after I got the kids to bed I'd go sit out on the porch and be alone with my nicotine, lol.

It's a really disgusting habit. I fully realize that, which makes it worse that I ever did it in the first place. I remember the first one I ever had. I was trying to make my boyfriend mad, LOL. He smoked marijuana, which I thought was horrible and pointless, and he hated cigarettes, so I started smoking to get back at him. So mature, right?? I was 17 and knew everything - ha! It's been an on and off habit since. Mostly off. Wouldn't have touched them again most likely, but the whole husband leaving me for a 16 year old kind of sent me back into the loving embrace of a cloud of smoke.

My inlaws (or ex-in-laws, whatever you want to call them. My MIL and her husband are my biggest supporters right now, so I don't like using the EX in front of them) are considering a move to Oklahoma. They wanted me and the boys to move with them. But I can't just leave everyone in my entire family and go traipsing off to Tulsa, now can I? If they were moving to North Carolina or Florida or somewhere I'd say yes in a heartbeat. I've considered going each of those places myself. I'm kind of in love with North Carolina for some reason. It's so pretty there, and the weather is nice. I'm pretty obsessed with UNC basketball, and I applied to and was accepted at Wake Forest, but couldn't afford to go. Brandon (from a couple posts down) lived near the campus growing up.

Can I ask a question? Why aren't more guys interested in women who have kids? I guess it is pretty intimidating, kind of like an insta-family. Maybe they expect me to throw them into playdates and soccer games right off the bat. That's not true. I probably wouldn't even introduce them to the kids until I was sure I actually liked the guy, you know? My parents divorced when I was 4, and I only ever met 3 of my mom's boyfriends, and one of them she almost married, and one of them is now my step-dad. I had no idea about any dates she had, and that's how I'd do it too. I guess I'm just scared of being alone, of raising my boys alone. I'm afraid I won't be enough for them. Who's going to teach them how to do guy stuff like fix things and change oil in a vehicle? (Yes, I want them to know how to do it themselves and not have to rely on some guy in a garage.)Who's going to teach them how to drive? Lord knows it doesn't need to be me, I'm a nervous driver as it is. I guess I'll just have to learn how to do all that stuff and teach them myself. Being a parent is a big enough responsibility when you think you have a partner to help you out, doing it alone is terrifying. Maybe I would feel differently if I had girls, I don't know. I know there are plenty of bad moms in the world, but bad fathers seem to get the most attention, which is why I am all worked up I guess. I don't want my boys to do to someone else what their father has done to me and to them. Sins of the father and all that. I don't want it coming back and haunting me years later. I'm thinking about all of this today b/c Xavier (my 3 1/2 year old) has been asking why daddy doesn't live with us anymore, can he have a new daddy, can such and such be his daddy, rips my heart out. He used to be a really good dad, now he just doesn't care anymore. It's been 2 weeks tomorrow since he's even spoken to them. How can anyone be that way? How can anyone stand to miss out on watching their children grow? Oh, well. I don't have to worry about that do I? I'm not missing out on a thing.