Thursday, November 29, 2007

Thursday Thirteen: Bad Santa

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Thirteen things women don't want for Christmas from their man.

1)Kitchen appliances. Yes, I may have expressed an interest in the do-it-all kitchen thingamajig, but opening one on Christmas morning isn't what I had in mind. Kitchen accessories are awesome. Especially if the name "Kitchen-Aid" is involved. But receiving one from my honey as a gift is a no-no. It says, "Make me dinner, bitch" not "I love you, you beautiful creature and all-around best thing in my life".

2)Beauty products. What? Are you saying I'm ugly? Don't straight up buy the products yourself. Now, a nice gift certificate to Sephora is another thing entirely. It says, "Here baby, spend some of my money, not yours, in your very favoritest place." Well, twist my arm...

3)Clothing. You will inevitably buy the wrong size and make me feel fat. If you buy too small I will feel bad that I can't fit into it. If you buy too big, I will think you imagine me as a whale, hippo, or similar.

4)Socks. Have we reached that point? Really?

5)Sexy lingerie. Is that for me? Honestly? You think I pick out black lace and red stilettos for myself, or to make you happy? If I wear it for you, how is it a gift for me?

6)A bottle of wine. You are just trying to get me drunk so I'll put on that damned lingerie....

7)Chocolate. Are you trying to make me fat so I'll fit into that horrific sweater you bought me? And if you want me in the stupid lingerie, you think I'm going to touch that box of Russell Stover's? You are not operating on all cylinders, boy.

8)Stuffed animals. Am I 8 years old? NO. And an 8 year old wouldn't want a stuffed animal anyway. They are so last decade. Now 8 year olds want electronics and cool shoes. Wait, maybe I am 8 years old...Electronics and shoes are always good.

9)A toolbox and/or the tools to go in one. Why do I need my own? That's why I have you, right? Why do you think I break things on purpose? To get you and your tools over to my place so I can watch your hot ass fix my stuff.

10)Mythbusters: The Complete Series on dvd. Yes, I will sit through it with you w/o complaining. Does that mean I want to hang out with Jamie and Adam on my own? Not really.

11)Anything hunting or fishing related. Yes, I've said that if you really, really want me to, I will take the plunge and go with you into the woods or out on the water. This is a stretch for me, I'm not that outdoorsy. But it doesn't mean I need outfitted with the whole shebang, ok? I said I'd do it once, not turn it into my lifestyle.

12)A surround sound system. I gave my exhusband my old one. Because I didn't want it. I don't need a new one. This is something you want for yourself, so put it in your house, not mine.

What? You mean I actually want a gift after this wordy knock-down? Yes.

Simple jewelry is nice. A book by my favorite author, or plan a weekend trip or something. I don't need anything fancy, just heartfelt...and I guess if the socks are given from the heart, they're ok.