Saturday, August 04, 2007

All fun and games? Notsomuch.

Doesn't my lovelife (or whateverthehell it is) sound super de duper exciting? I read the post below again. Maybe I've just been overthinking things since posting that, but now I'm just sad and overwhelmed. I'm seriously torn over this HJ vs. C thing. At the time I didn't even realize it WAS a one vs. the other situation. Now I'm feeling guilt. I had finally decided that HJ was just destined to be a good, close friend. I was excited to have C paying attention to me and being great boyfriend (manfriend?) material. Now that I'm finding out HJ had more invested in our relationship than I thought he did. I thought I was maybe getting more emotionally attached romance-wise than he was, so I started letting myself be interested in other people. Should I not have done that?? When we're talking, I am glad he's the one who's there for me at the time. It's not like I am not paying full attention b/c I'd rather be with C.
And as for Chris, when I'm with him, I'm on this constant high. I know he only has eyes for me and more importantly, he makes me feel that way. Really, what woman doesn't enjoy feeling like she's making the room sparkle a little brighter just by being in it? And oh what talent has the man who makes her feel that way! And when I'm with him, I'm not off thinking about HJ.
I'm comfortable with both of them, it's just a different kind of comfortable. With HJ, I could easily be in pjs w/my hair pulled up and no make-up on, spilling my secrets to him and eating an entire pizza, and it'd be no big deal. With C I could be spilling my secrets and feel safe, but I'd have on cute jeans and eyeliner and we'd be out somewhere having dinner by candlelight.
Look, I've learned a thing or two about dating two people at once. You know what I learned? I CAN'T DO IT. What I mean by that is, I'm no good at it. What ends up happening is you're in love with two men, both of them propose, you choose the one that seems safest, spend 5 years missing/fantasizing about/secretly crying over the one you left behind, and then the one you DID choose (who you thought was safe and loved you more than you loved you for a high schooler. (If you're curious about the one I "left behind", he's currently in a band (think mudvayne-ish) playing drums and living in California.)

So now what? What do I do? I'm not a casual relationship person. I become emotionally involved with like, kleenexes, so imagine how I am with people. YOu know when you're about 19 and you've been drinking at a party and suddenly you REALLY have to pee, and so does this other random girl across the room? Suddenly you're giggling and spilling beer on each other's shoes, apologizing and instantly you're best friends? Sure you might never see her again, might never remember her name, but you were totally tight for about 45 minutes? That's what I do. I bond quickly with people. I guess I just have to figure out what I want. Do I want the person I've known a long time and have a great time with, or the person I've known for two months who makes me feel like I'm in love for the first time all over again? Maybe it will just take me making a trip to see HJ. I haven't seen him since May (Funny enough the last time I saw him was the week I met Chris.), so maybe being in close physical proximity will help.
Oh my lord. I am just a big overthinking mess.