Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Let's talk about sex, baby

If you blushed and/or crossed your legs after reading the title, skip this, it's not G rated. I found a big stack of magazines I thought I had donated to the drs office (whoops, guess I didn't), and found a Cosmo from June 2005, and started flipping through it. I found an article called, "Cosmo's Sex Trick Hall of Fame". Some of them seemed too ridiculous to be true...or perhaps I am just not that daring. Here are some of the ones that made me laugh, cry, or go "What? Heh? Are you serious??"
(BTW, I am quoting directly from the article. Look mom, no plagiarism, I sited my source! My own thoughts will be preceded by two asterisks)

Sweet Treat
Erotic instructions: Place a glazed doughnut around your man's member, then gently nibble the pastry and lick the icing...as well as his manhood. **A glazed doughnut? Men, does this HONESTLY sound like a fun idea? Maybe I just can't get into this one b/c I took that blogthings quiz about what kind of doughnut are you, and I was glazed. I guess I feel exploited, lol...

Passion Payoff: Because a doughnut hole is so small, it probably won't go past the head of his penis, which makes this trick perfect for showering attention on his most sensitive area. **Somewhere Homer Simpson is salivating...and not just for the doughnut.

Heat Wave
Erotic instructions: Massage a little water based lube onto his balls, cover them with a square of plastic wrap (**What?!!?!), then press your lips against the plastic and hum gently.**I'm sorry, you lost me at plastic wrap. My husbands reaction to this was, "Are they nuts?" Nope, that's what you put the plastic wrap around...

Passion payoff: Yowza! That's what your man will be thinking when the lubricant and the plastic wrap on his twins make this often ignored hot spot way receptive to pleasure. **Please, please someone attempt to do this to their boyfriend/husband/whatever and post his initial reaction to being wrapped up like last night's meatloaf.

Last but not least...well, kind of least, it's the most normal of the three...

String of Pearls
Erotic instructions: Rub a string of pearls, not expensive ones, between your lubed up palms, then drape them across your man's inner thighs, stomach, and package, and roll them into his skin. **I'm trying to imagine doing this in a sexy way...but I'm too distracted by the doughnut tip above, that I just picture rolling out dough.

Passion payoff: The smooth pearls on his thick skin will treat him to feel-good friction. Pearls retain heat, so the more you roll and rub them into his body, the warmer they'll feel.**Let's go back up to that "not expensive ones" part. What? Why not get out Grandma's pearls, you know those sentimental family heirlooms. Rub them all over your man, then try explaining to Gma why you never wear them around her anymore, that your boyfriend/husband/whatever has to hide behind a pillar everytime he sees those shining beads around your neck...and that's not the best thing to have happen at Grandma's house, now is it?