Sports, Soaps, and a Wandering Mind

Quick update...

2008-02-05T10:49:00.000-06:00

Job interview was this morning. I think it went fairly well. I have the best references on earth, and they liked that a lot.

Otherwise, nothing happening.
Nothing, zip, nil, nada, etc...

I'll be back on Thursday with
Thursday Thirteen: Ring Around the Rosies, Pocket Full of Neuroses. Thirteen things I'm a little psychotic about.

See you then!

A weekend extra...Yeah, two posts in one day.

2008-02-01T13:56:00.001-06:00

I was checking out my blog patrol stats today, and looked at the search words people used to get here. Normally they're dumb or boring. Today, I struck gold.
So here they are, copied and pasted from Blog Patrol.

-- what up bitches (Google)
--"sea of love" phil phillips (Google)
-- blow my nose like a foghorn (Yahoo)
--What kind of make-up does Martha Madison wear (Yahoo)
-- gay mailman pics (Google)
--what's up my bitches cartoon picture (Google)
--wicked messenger bag coach Elphaba (Google)
-- sports romance novels (Google)
--john f. kennedy took take showered showers (Google)
-- wandering mind quotes (Google)
-- blinkies - soaps (Google)
-- DRESSING UP BITCHES (Google)
-- green bam universal degreaser discontinued (Google)
--If I made this world a little brighter, then
I did not live in vain (Yahoo)

-- My ex-husband is obsessed with me (Google)
--freaked out by breast feeding (Google)
-- samantha k (Google)
--"The Girl Can't Help It" sample (Google)
-- "it's strange" "see my reflection in the window" song l
yrics (Google)

-- he has a good taste (Google)
-- truckload bedding (Google)
-- prunella jones (Google)
-- barrett-jackson (Google)
-- sports blinkies (Google)
-- Has someone drugged me (Google)
--sport won in the mind (Google)
-- "billie was arrested for" (Google)
-- bobbettes (Google)
--I hate those days (Google)
-- chuck norris blinkie (Google)
-- baby its the freakin weekend i am about to have me some fun (Goog
le)

-- sports blinkie (Google)
-- listen to soaps (Google)
--equivalates (Google)
-- linsey davenport nude (Google)
-- terilyn esse wedding (Google)
-- teenage babysitter, alcoholic mother, mom died as a baby, lives w
ith dad and grandma, football player friend, father works at fact
ory (Google)

-- "how well do you know the birthday" (Google)
-- But it's just another one of those days I can't help but feel
a little upset (Google)

-- mood enhancement at walgreens (Yahoo)
--it's the freekin weekend baby im about to have me some fun (Goo
gle)

-- cough hack video (Google)
-- phil phillips "sea of love" (Google)
--chris hansen cock block shirt (Google)
-- "freakishly long lashes" (Google)
-- marilyn cloitre nyc (Google)

----------------------------------------

What the hell?
S_Kaye@live.com

I fucking hate snow

2008-02-01T10:08:00.000-06:00

Snow is evil.

It creeps up by stealth (or by big globby colors on a radar map, whatever) and buries you with its cold, icy, horribleness.

Snow made my interview get cancelled b/c our town basically shut down yesterday after 9:00 am.
Schools were cancelled (hence, the interview), daycares were closed, stores were closed, streets were nightmarish.
I think we got six inches total.

I stayed home with the boys yesterday. How did I ever do that for four years? (I had my two year old home with me on Wednesday, b/c he was sick. So two days stuck in the house.) UPS came to check on us, driving down the snow covered street in his big brown truck. Who needs a knight in shining armor when you've got that?

Today the sun is out and melting it into muddy slush. We're supposed to get rain all weekend and then Monday...it's supposed to be 64 degrees. Yep. Snow today, 64 on Monday. I love living in the Ozarks.

So today I'll sit and stare out the window at the sloppy street and eat my Necco conversation hearts...but only the white ones. The white ones have this weird wintergreenish-pepto bismolish taste that intrigues me. I like my conversation hearts white, and my jelly beans black.
I keep finding hearts that say "marry me". Just a warning to all the men out there, who think it might be cute to give your girl a handful of conversation hearts - Check them over carefully. She might take them seriously, so watch out for that one. It's sneaky.
One minute you're sharing your candy, the next minute you're engaged, and you have no idea how it happened. So be careful.

I probably won't be posting again until Tuesday, so I'm sorry there isn't anything earth shatteringly fascinating to report.
Have a good weekend, everyone!

Editing to add...This birth months description from a meme REH did over in his neck of the woods. Since my birthday is this month, and February's description sounds good, I'm posting it.
FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

This just might be my week!

2008-01-29T14:13:00.001-06:00

I have an interview for the job at the school Thursday at 1:00.
Remember, this is the fancy job with things like insurance, dental coverage, and retirement.

I will also be in the same building as my little brother. How fun, being around to watch out for him during his high school years...

UPS and I are attending a wedding together in two weeks. I have never been anyone's date to a wedding. I've either been in the thing, or I"ve gone with friends...or my mom.
I could be normal and say, "hey, I'm going to a wedding for a person I have never before laid eyes on!"

Or I could be a psychotic overthinking girl and say "Hey, I'm going to read way too much into this and imagine that he's testing me to see how I respond to all the lovey-dovey, frosting covered schmaltz...and party mints. If I respond in a positive manner, perhaps I'll be getting some frosting covered schmaltz of my own soon!"

Except I don't want frosting covered schmaltz. Or party mints (even though they are quite delicious.)
I have had a wedding.
When we get married, I think it will be the day I wake up and say, "Ok, let's do this thing!" And we will march to the courthouse.
Or, really, if I had my way, we'd just go file for the marriage license so that it'd show up in the paper, and then tell people we eloped.

Yes, lie.

So that's my immoral admission today. I would lie about being married.

There are worse things I could do...

Claudia's Questions - Answered! But first, Weekend Update...

2008-01-28T13:11:00.000-06:00

UPS had a nice birthday. We didn't get to do anything special, really, but we just kind of hung out together. Very nice.
Saturday night he went gigging (basically this involves impaling fish.) with his friends and I hung out on his couch in front of his tv, lol. I baked and decorated a cake for him, complete with 39 candles (yes, we lit them all, and I made him blow them out...he did it in one try and nothing caught on fire, lol).
Because I am in 'job loss' mode, he got a card. But it was a sweet card with a lovely handwritten note inside.

And now for the headline story....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So a week or so ago, I told you to ask me anything. Anything at all, and I would answer. You guys took me seriously, and I think I delivered in fine form. Claudia had some great questions for me, and I decided to put them all together into a post of their own.

I didn't see the question thing. Shit! I have lots and lots of nosey questions. Here I go:

1. Why are you underemployed?
2. What will it take for you to say "I quit"? (Your car was broken into, you have a stalker, I mean really....)
3. What's your dream job? If the clothing thing is it, why has it taken so long?
4. What are you passionate about in your life?
5. What do you want to create in your life? (A spin on "what are you doing with your life?")
6. How old are your boys?

Ok, so those are what I'm up against. Here I go...
Why am I underemployed? I assume the real question here is, "Why are you working retail management with no benefits and crappy pay?"
Because my husband left me with nothing, this job became available, and I fell in love with it. Not the job, necessarily, but the business. I LOVE IT. We sell award winning, heirloom quality toys, books, and games; educational decoratives and resource material for classrooms (preschool through grade 12); we host/plan birthday parties; hold playgroups; teach early childhood enrichment classes; provide homeschoolers with curriculum and general info, etc...
We are a wonderful business, but a slow business. The owner is a great friend of mine, but she doesn't advertise. Money is an issue.
I love this job because it allows me to be creative. I love marketing, I love promoting, I love dealing with people. Making sales calls is my favorite thing. I like selling. I'm good at it. I'm very persuasive, lol.

What will it take for me to say I quit? Well, hmmm...Getting the job at the high school, or winning the lottery. (This was asked before I knew this job was being eliminated...eventually. I'll be at work all week.)

Dream job? My dream job is to be the owner of the New York Yankees. When I was 14 I became convinced that I would win them from George Steinbrenner in a game of high-stakes poker.

I'm still waiting.

You probably want me to be serious, sorry.
I could channel Renee Zellweger from the movie Empire Records and say, "I wanna sing in a band, but I don't have the guts to even audition."
But that wouldn't be serious either.
There isn't one "dream job" out there for me. I can love anything, really. I'd like to work in the theatre business, I'd like to own a restaurant, I'd like to own a book/record store, I'd like to work on a political campaign, lead trail rides, be Snow White at Disney World....you get the idea.

What am I passionate about?
My big thing right now is making sure others are really living, you know? Not holding themselves back from going for the goal...I guess I am passionate about others embracing their own passion? LOL, well, I know what I mean even if you guys don't think it makes sense. I tend to be everyone's personal cheerleader.

What do I want to create in my life?
Peace. Happiness. Love. Joy.

How old are my boys?
X is 4(8/8/03) and L is 2(7/17/05).

I'm not sure than I answered any of these in the manner she wanted, but I'm in one of those happy, flighty moods that take me over every 72 years or so...kind of like a comet.

Maybe these questions were really just one question spread out a little. Maybe she was asking, "Who are you?"

I'm a daughter, a mother, a girlfriend, an ex-wife, a sister, a friend, a woman. I'm a small-town girl with a big city mindset who no longer thinks the concrete is grayer on the other side. I like my small town sidewalk cracks just fine.
I am up, down, in, out, black, white, and red all over.
I'm irrational but sometimes way too practical. I like to hurry up go, and then take it slow. I love art, film, theatre, and classic country music. I don't like sell outs, but I love cable television.
I have developed a new way of thinking. One day at a time. One of my favorite Bible verses (yes, I'm going there) is in Matthew chapter six. Translated into SamanthaSpeak it says: Don't worry about tomorrow, today has enough going on. This little verse makes all the difference to me. If I spend all day worrying that tomorrow might bring hardship, I've totally lost today. Lost it. 24 hours, gone, caput, bye bye, seeyalater.

So who am I? I dunno. Can you define a life?
Claudia, thanks for the post inspiration, even if my answers sounded like a Britney Spears soundbite from TMZ.com or something.

Oh the places I have been, oh the places I will go...Won't you join me?

Take that, Federer!

2008-01-25T11:50:00.000-06:00

I interrupt the incoherent ramblings on this blog to say that Roger Federer was beaten in the semi-finals at the Australian Open.

Novak Djokovic, I was always a casual fan, but you tended to choke at very inopportune moments, making it difficult to root for you. Now I think I believe you can win anytime, anyplace. Good luck in the final!

Ok...back to normal.

Had a nice long post all ready, then deleted it.

I suck.

Oh, and I'll be around on Monday. We've been so busy at work this week (and two of the boss's three children have pneumonia), that she's decided there's no way she can only be open in the afternoons.

I am still job hunting, and praying the job at the high school comes through. They missed two days of school this week (MLK day Monday, then Tuesday for ice), and today is a half day for teacher's meetings, so I won't know until next week.

UPS has a birthday Saturday. He's going fishing. Tonight we're taking his oldest son to basketball practice, tomorrow we take him to his mom's, and then Saturday I hang around his house and wait for him to get back from the lake.
Sounds like he wins and I lose in this situation, but really, I get to watch whatever I want on television while he's gone.

Have a good weekend!
**Monday will probably be the day I post my Answers to Claudia's Questions post. I can work on it Saturday night from UPS's desk.**

Thursday Thirteen: And you can quote me on that

2008-01-23T11:16:00.001-06:00

It's a quickie this week. Thirteen random quotes from the rich, the famous, the normal.

1)"It's ok, you can sleep when you're dead". From my horoscope yesterday.

2)"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt.

3)"Mom, all I want is a goldfish that won't up and die." - X, my four year old.

4)"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you" - Oscar Wilde.

5)"It's never just a game when you're winning." - George Carlin

6)"Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try." - Fran Lebowitz

7)"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - John F. Kennedy

8)"If they ask you to take your clothes off, get the money first." - Amber's mom, from the movie "Drop Dead Gorgeous".

9)"Let's have a bachelor party! With chicks, and guns, and fire trucks, and hookers, and drugs, and booze!" - Bachelor Party.

10)"Love is when you look into someone's eyes, and suddenly, you go all the way inside, to their soul... and you both know, instantly. I always imagined I would fall in love, nursing a blind soldier. Who was wounded in battle. Or maybe while rescuing someone in the middle of a blizzard, seconds before the avalanche hits. I thought, at least, by the age of fifteen, I would have a love life. But, I don't even have a "like" life." - Angela, aka Claire Danes, from the television show "My So-Called Life".

11)"My name is Matt Foley, I'm 35, divorced, and I LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!" - Chris Farley

12)"Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver" - Bumper Sticker

13)"It is a good thing to follow the First Law of Holes: if you are in one, stop digging." - Denis Healy

The girl can't help it...

2008-01-23T09:23:00.000-06:00

There's this new Fergie song that is constantly stuck in my head...it sounds familiar, like it's a cover or a sample...Malcolm, help me out. Is it Little Richard?
--------------------------------

I used to write a lot of poetry. I was even published in a college textbook and two poetry compilations. I don't have a copy of any of them, lol. They were about relationships and involved nature metaphors.

Do all bloggers long to be serious writers?

How did you envision your life when you were an angsty (or idealistic) teen? I had all kinds of plans, all kinds of ideas.

I was going to be a film maker and challenge the minds of the world.

I was going to be a sportswriter or announcer. A witty female with the scoop on all the ins and outs of baseball, tennis, football, golf...

I was going to be a journalist with an edge, but sympathetic to the everyman(woman).

If you'd asked my friends how they saw me in 10 years, they'd have said I'd be dressed in a wardrobe of black, flying high on caffeine with a cigarette burning away between my fingers.

In reality, I'm a feisty single mother recovering from a series of bad relationships and a marriage to a soul-sucking taker. Like that cigarette seen burning between my fingers, I was crushed out into an ash stained tray.

Something has re-lit the flame. I don't know if it is my latent survival skills kicking in in the face of adversity, or the love of a good man, but the ember is glowing again.

I may never be on the New York Times bestseller list, I may never call a championship game, but by God, I have a blog and a head full of nonsense. This is either fuel for the fire, or a recipe for disaster. Only time will tell.

The blogosphere is a unique experience. We are screen names, we are avatars, we are one. There will always be someone willing to share too much information, and then allow us to comment on it. It's like a soap opera, only without a writer's strike threatening to destroy our drama.

S_Kaye@live.com

Bring it on. Bring it the fuck on.

2008-01-22T13:19:00.000-06:00

Water is running in a mid-sized river as I drive up the street toward my house. It is ten minutes after five o'clock and my boys, who I have not seen in 50 hours are singing a praise and worship song behind me in their car seats.

"Did it rain today?" I casually wonder. "No, I would have noticed that. The city must have been working on water lines." That must be it, I decide.

I draw closer to my house and notice that the river is rushing at a higher intensity. Curious. A feeling of dread and panic begins to creep up slowly from my stomach, where it becomes lodged in my throat like an aspirin taken without a drink.

My driveway is the real river. The street merely its tributary.

I leave the kids in the van as I rush inside, water furiously pouring from beneath my home. I envision floating furniture and my cat clinging to the dining room table in a DiCaprio-esque manner (edited to say, sorry for the idiocy...this should have been "Winslet-esque" shouldn't it?). What I find is a flooded laundry room, wet lint sticking to everything, boxes of mementos with enemy water soaking in at a rapid clip.

I start throwing things out into the kitchen and begin my frantic phone calls.

I feel crazy - unbalanced. Like I'm standing on a ladder in high heels and someone below is threatening to give it a good hard shake.

Thankfully things were resolved much more easily than I had anticipated.

The plumber shows up this morning to replace the frozen washing machine lines beneath the house. He was very attractive.
After Friday I think I must have developed a feeling of entitlement where good looking men in uniforms are concerned.

I almost made a pass at him.

Kidding! I'm kidding. I don't want to become known as the girl who solicits sex from UPS men, plumbers, and the dude who brings me my pizza.

Or do I?

To add insult to injury, we had freezing rain last night. My van was covered by a sheet of ice. I reach up on top of the entertainment center to grab my can of de-icer. I feel the coldness of metal beneath my fingers and thinking I've struck gold, I pull it down.

In my hand was a can of instant snow. You know, the stuff you spray on your windows to get a delightfully tacky wintry glow to add to your holiday decor.

All I could do was laugh.

Happy Tuesday, ya'll!!

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OMG, just heard on the radio that Heath Ledger died. WTF?

I feel very sad. In the grand scheme of things, why is this depressing me?

Shit.

Romance novel or reality?

2008-01-21T12:05:00.000-06:00

As I sat home enjoying a deliciously decadent (and incredibly rare) paid Friday off from work, watching Sex and the City on dvd, doing laundry and other terribly glamorous things, I hear a knock at my door.

I open it and on my front porch, dressed in brown with a pair of Raybans shading his eyes, was quite possibly the sexiest man I'd ever laid...eyes on. He pulled me savagely to him for a kiss, and then on top of him as we tumbled to the floor.

I was living every at-home woman's fantasy.

Such is the life of a UPS deliveryman's girlfriend, lol.

Saturday we took his son out for his 9th birthday, delivered him to his mother's house, went out for a drink, and hit the bed for the best sex I've ever had in my life.

Sunday we laid around doing n.o.t.h.i.n.g. It was wonderful. Just lounging on the sofa watching the Barrett-Jackson car auction...Until around 3:00 when he decided we needed to do something productive. So this girl stepped waaaayyy out of her box, put on coveralls and trekked into the forest to watch my man chop wood. For real.

Then we came home and made dinner together and watched the Green Bay/Giants game.

Today is an unpleasant return to normalcy. The boys were with their father from Saturday afternoon until this morning.

As for the job, I should know something by Wednesday.

And Claudia has a post coming that's all her own. She asked me some really great questions last week, and earned herself her own post, where I will answer them.
I hope you all had an amazing weekend!

Thursday Thirteen: Ask and You Shall Receive

2008-01-17T10:46:00.000-06:00

Last week I asked for question requests and it took a little prodding, but I got enough to fill out my thirteen. So, this week I'm answering commentor's questions.
(I'm not answering them in any particular order, I just cut and pasted them into the post, lol)

So it's not very organized. Forgive me. I meant to link everyone who asked a question, but didn't get around to it. I'll do something special for all of you soon!

Thursday Thirteen: Ask And You Shall Receive.

1) I think this may be my favorite, Malcolm asked: If Hollywood made the Samantha_K story, who would play:

Me : Ava Gardner. We look alike, yeah? Right, like in my dreams!

UPS (my boyfriend for those out of the loop) : James Denton. He has that ruggedly handsome thing going for him like UPS does. During the week, UPS isn't allowed to have facial hair b/c of his job. But last October he was on vacation for a week and he grew a goatee...Holy shit. I almost did him right in the middle of the floor at work.

R (an old flame): Billy Crudup. Because he has the sweet-looking clean shaven face, and he can pull off the rocker look (a la Almost Famous). That's how R is.

Ex Husband: This random guy. This is one of the pictures that popped up when I typed 'metrosexual' into Google image search.

Ex-Mother-in-Law: Paula Deen.

2)From Jay:

Here's my question: What illegal activity would you do if you knew that you absolutely would get away with it?

Hmm...Make counterfeit money? I don't really have the urge to do anything illeagal...I mean, I was a little bit tempted to say "murder someone", but if I wasn't attempting to save someone's life, I don't think I could ever take another.

What is the craziest or strangest place you ever .. uh you know .. got it on?

This one is easy, lol. In college I was dating this ridiculously hot basketball player, B. We were out one night,it was early, only about 9pm or so, and we were at the park just kind of talking and all of the sudden we were going at it on top of a picnic table directly under a street lamp. Cars were driving by literally 15 feet away. I had three different people call me and say, "Hey, SK, saw your car at the park last night, heheheheh."

3.flyinfox:
The personal question for you? Well OK...since you brought up the subject...What is your favorite style in the bedroom...slow and passionate? or Fast and Hard? And of course you gotta give us the Why....

This one is situational. It really depends on my mood, or how the whole thing starts in the first place. If we're out somewhere and I suddenly pull him into the bathroom with me, there isn't going to be a lot of "slow and passionate" going on. It's going to be fast, hard, and thrilling. But if we're at home, and the heat has been building, it's more likely to be a slower, take your time sort of thing.
Both are equally wonderful.

4.woozie:
Who's the one man whose balls you want to kick through his skull?

Well, you said I couldn't say George W., which rules out the top spot...Hmmm...I don't really have a lot of rage directed at the males of the species. Out of fun I'll say Roger Federer, so that someone else can win a tennis tournament once in a while. Like say, Andy Roddick.

Woozie also asks what I wear to bed at night.
I'm sure you're all disappointed to hear I don't sleep nude. Difficult when you have two small children. Generally a pair of painfully cute pajama pants and a strappy tank top. Very un-glam, I know.

5.lori:
What is it that you plan to do with your next 25 years?

Be happy and content with my life. Do more for others, try new things, make every day count...I didn't realize how controlling my exhusband was, I didn't realize how much I was really missing out on. In the next 25 years I just want to get 'me' back. I'm partially there, but I have a lot left to go.

6.lonesterdog:
Question-What are you wearing? ;)

I'm dressed for work. Jeans,heels, a cute sweater. Bo-ring.

Have you ever gotten down and dirty with a woman?

During a game of spin-the-bottle in high school, there was a kiss that went on a little longer than normal, but otherwise, no. I hate to disappoint you, but as of yet, there has been no kinky goings-on between me and another chick.

Also, do you sing in the shower?

Not in the shower. Showers are precious time away from the children. I get to be in it for approximately three minutes before jumping out in time to save someone from doing a one and a half gainer off the dining room table.
But I sing around the house all the time.

7.Karen -
What activites did you do in high school? (Were you a cheerleader? Did you play a sport? Drama club? Young Republicans?)

Well, I certainly wasn't a young republican, lol.

In high school I was the editor of the school newspaper, I worked as stage manager for several productions, I took AP English classes for fun, I was on the Homecoming court my senior year (I lost queen by three votes. I'm still bitter. Gimme that damned tiara already!), I dated a crazy guy...
High school was fun for me. I liked being involved, and it won me a Leadership Scholarship for college, so it wasn't in vain.

8.REH -

What, in a man, turns you on?
If a man can make me laugh, he's golden. If he can also have a serious discussion, even better. I have to be intellectually stimulated. I have dated all types: Rockers, athletes, overweight, underweight, not-so-great-looking, and supermodelish...All of them have been able to charm me with intellect. I'm also a sucker for a musician or someone who loves film as much as I do.

...and...

What, in a woman, turns you on? (If anything)

Of course women are turned on by women! It doesn't have to be a sexual thing.
For me, it's confidence. Confidence and warmth. Most of my close friends are male. I don't do the female bonding thing well. I like a woman who won't accuse me of trying to steal her boyfriend or who doesn't expect me to spend every waking second of my life trying to fix her problems for her.

My two best girlfriends are they type that even if we didn't speak for a year, we could meet for lunch and it would be like nothing has changed. If I ever have a crisis, they are there for me and vice versa. But there is no clingy dependency.
That is a huge turn on.

9.Joshua -

How do you like your eggs?
Scrambled, over-easy, benedict or omeletized. Eggs are yummy!

Who is your fav. person on the Simpsons?

Smithers. I love him. I love him so, so much. A second is Mr. Burns. He's deliciously creepy.

why did you start blogging?

I originally started blogging b/c my exhusband was working a second job at night, and didn't get home until 2am-ish. My kids were in bed by nine, so it was just me, the laptop, and late night television. I was feeling a little trapped and out of touch with the world, and this let me connect with people.

10.Prunella Jones said...
What is your favorite cheese?

Well, Pru, it's like this:

Pepper Jack. I will eat it on anything, anytime, anyplace. It is the best.thing.ever.

11.Gypsy:
Let's see... getting personal....

How do you feel about up the butt?

Hey, you said to ask! lol

I had to save this gem for last. I have indeed, been there, done that. At least partially. It wasn't terrible, I can maybe see the appeal...but it's really just this whole terrifying ordeal, lol. I guess I belong in the "just a little, but no more" camp.
I have a little advice I like to pass along to my fellow females about this subject. If your man keeps pressing you, and you just don't want to do it, politely suggest that he find himself a boyfriend. He will probably shut up.

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So there you go. Eleven people asking a few more than 13 questions, so I feel it evens out.

Upheaval

2008-01-16T14:35:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was certainly a whirlwind.
Next Friday is my last day of having a job.

Yep, I'll be unemployed.

Unless...

I get the job as the secretary to the IT department at the high school. I have a meeting with the man for whom I'd be working tomorrow afternoon.

Hey, and UPS is the delivery driver for the high school, so I won't miss out on seeing him every day. And he can even have lunch with me, because with the new job, I'd actually get a lunch break. Imagine that!

Yesterday was basically spent freaking out and calling everyone in the world that I know trying to find a lead on a job ASAP. The owner of my store has decided to drop inventory and only be open from 3pm to 6pm, and all day Saturdays. Well, I certainly can't afford to live on those hours. We're pushing the limit with my full time pay.

Please say a prayer to Tom Cruise, God, or Oprah that I get this job. I won't know for certain until next week.
But you really hope I get it, or you'll be out a blog to read for a few months. I won't have the internet and a computer at home until the summer.

Before you ask me why I have to be a slave to "the man" and get a day job when I should be out persuing my interests...Listen, I've got two small children to take care of. They come first. They need food and a home and a mom. If it were only me, maybe I'd pick up and move to wherever, and do whatever.

Reality and fantasy don't blur in my world. They each have their own place, and I have to be fully invested in reality right now.

Either that or I become a hooker.

Which may have to be an option should the IT position fall through, lol.

Maybe they have red lightbulbs on sale at Walmart this week...

Hey shawtie it's your birthday, We gonna party like it's your birthday..

2008-01-15T09:18:00.000-06:00

Drinkin' Bacardi like it's your birthday, and we don't give a fuck it's not your birthday.

Ah, 50 Cent. You have made those words legendary. Much like the phrase, "I love you like a fat kid loves cake".
How would the world fare without you? And how are you still alive after being shot NINE TIMES?? (say "nine times" like in Ferris Bueller's Day Off...it makes it funnier.)

So birthdays are on my mind, can you tell? "No, really, SK?" the collective audience asks.

Yes. Really. It is true.

The Boyfriend (aka UPS) will be the big 3-9 on the 26th.

This Sunday is his oldest son's birthday, and he'll be nine. I plan to sneak into their house on Thursday and fill the house with helium balloons and leave a gift and cake on the table for him. UPS will be less than thrilled about the balloons, but P will love it. I know, I know. I'm the coolest.

Back to UPS's birthday...I thought about throwing him a big party at our favorite bar, but changed my mind. He doesn't want to make a big deal of it, so I'm buying him dinner and we'll just have the entire weekend to ourselves.

Does 39 sound way older than 38 to you? People are fully aware of our age difference, but when I say he's going to be 39 (even though they KNOW HE'S 13 YEARS OLDER) they raise their eyebrows and say, "Oh!" In this very shocked tone, and make some comment about a May-December romance. I take offense to this, as it is much less a May-December romance than like, a July-October one. And I'm very happy in my July-October romance, thank you. LOL.

And that just brings me around to the most important subject of all. MY birthday (2/23).

So what do you have planned, eh? A surprise party? Ya'll gonna swarm my little bitty town and take over? All cake and balloons and flowers and maybe even a tiara...

Well, you're out of luck. I won't even be in town on my birthday, so ha!

UPS is getting his Christmas present that weekend. He's getting the weekend getaway to the private cabin on the lake, but he nixed the fishing trip. He said he wanted to take the trip on my birthday weekend and spend the whole time holed up in our little cabin-o-love. He said he can go fishing any old time. Isn't that sweet?
I told him it kind of ruins the present part on his end, but he said since I'm paying for the cabin, that's gift enough. He can foot the rest of the bill.
I'll accept that as fair, lol!

Truth be told, I actually get kind of down around my birthday. I don't know why. I've never had that overwhelming excitement about it before. Maybe this year will be different.
I love other people's birthdays though. I love to do 'em up big, loud, and crazy. Just call me the life of the party.

...You can find me in the club.

Good Monday!

2008-01-14T09:55:00.000-06:00

I hope you all had a sparkling and spectacular weekend.

Mine was...interesting.

Saturday I decided to pull out all the stops for UPS, as he was having a bad day on Friday.
I made him dinner, set the mood with new table linens, new place settings, candles, the whole nine yards. After dinner I popped in a cd of my Thursday Thirteen from last week...the variations in the music certainly made things exciting, lol. I had bought big fancy fluffy towels, more candles and bubble bath and that was a good time too...

Then we melted lead to make fishing jigs. Seriously. That is how I spent the rest of my evening. I could not even make up a story that good.
We ended the night watching Three's Company reruns and falling asleep with the television on.
Sunday morning he got up to go rabbit hunting (what did those bunnies ever do to him?) and I went back to bed for a while, cleaned up our coffee cup mess, and went home.

I am staggered by how different this relationship is from any other prior to it. Fishing jigs? Rabbit hunting? I'm more of a "let's go to the theatre!", "let's redecorate the entire house!" kind of girl. But I'm getting used to it, and it's actually kind of fun. More and more I'm getting anxious for a summer filled with days on the lake, and going home where my man will then cook what he has caught. There's something very rustic and romantic about the whole thing. I can do this.

However, I draw the line at baiting my own hook.

Do you wanna touch (yeah!) Do ya wanna touch (yeah!) Do ya wanna touch me there?

2008-01-11T10:36:00.000-06:00

By "there" I mean my back. By "touch" I mean, a long hard massage.

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I am walking around like an 87 and a half year old man on a 30 degree day.

How do I remedy this? Do I go to UPS and say, "Even though you're the one who drives the big brown truck, and lugs large heavy boxes around for about 10 hours a day, will you please rub the back of your woman who sits at a computer and does nothing overly strenuous?" I think I'd feel guilty. And if I play it out like some kind of romantic thing and start on him, it'll turn into sex, which will lead to him falling asleep. And he is the soundest sleeper I have ever met. So now I'm even more physically weary, but not sleepy, and I have to listen to him snore.

This is not a winning situation, is it? I should just fork over the dollars and head to a professional, shouldn't I?

So here's what's been on this chick's mind so far this morning....
--Very few people participated in the "ask me a question" thing yesterday. You get one more shot and then I'm letting Jay fill in the rest of the questions. Whether he wants to or not. He's been recruited.

--I've been getting lots of hang up calls at work. I think I have a stalker. Thinking about investing in one of those Taser/MP3 players that Claudia mentioned a few days ago...Tunes and safety. Perfect combo!

--You know what? Maybe it's the mailman! Remember the mailman that I thought was gay, turns out he's not, and he's a little obsessed with me? Maybe that's who's calling...He did tell me I was radiantly beautiful today, so if he's the stalker, that's ok.

--I have the solution to the whole writer's strike thing. They should just hire us bloggers. Lord knows we're pretty darn funny. Not me so much, certainly not today, but some of you are freakin' hilarious on a consistent basis. That's better than the ones getting paid, as they're only funny about 73.2% of the time.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I'm sure I'll have something worth writing about next week. Stay tuned!

Thursday Thirteen: I'm in the Mood for Love

2008-01-10T09:11:00.000-06:00

I've not only been incredibly positive and happy over the last week, I've also been really, really....worked up, shall we say. So I got to thinking about a few songs that make me get in the lovin' mood, or make me think of past experiences. So here's a list of some of the contenders. I present, Thursday Thirteen edition 11, I'm in the Mood for Love.

1)Have a Little Faith in Me - John Haitt.

This is such a great song, and John Haitt's version is definitely my favorite. In particular it reminds me of the movie "Benny and Joon", and the scene where Johnny Depp and Mary Stuart Masterson have their 'first time'. Outside of UPS, JD is my dream man. Oh Jack Sparrow, take me below deck! Pillage and plunder. Arrg Matey, indeed!

2)First Time Ever I Saw Your Face - Roberta Flack.

Turn the lights down ya'll, let's get romantic. This is a holdmeclose taaaakkkee youurrrr tiiimmmee kind of song.

3)Crazy Bitch - Buckcherry

This one is a tie-your-man-to-the-bed and fuck him like crazy song. Makes me feel flirty, dirty, and little bit dangerous.

4)Angel Eyes by The Jeff Healey Band

I have loved this song for-ev-er. What girl hasn't been playing the wallflower at a dance when you suddenly lock eyes with your high school crush, and you imagine him singing this about you...in the backseat of his car.

5)Feelin' Love - Paula Cole.

I feel so sexy when I hear this song. Confession time: If I'm alone and this song is playing, it doesn't take long before there's some red hot imaginary lovin' going on. All I need is this song and a fantasy. (The runner up to this is Lost Without You by Robin Thicke)

6)You Can Leave Your Hat On - Joe Cocker.

The stereotypical strip-tease song, and a fantasy I've yet to act out...give me time;)

7)Singin' in the Rain.

This one is slightly perverse...It reminds me of my high school boyfriend. We used to put in a movie and turn up the volume when we were getting it on. Often it was A Clockwork Orange. Oh, the memories...

8)She Hates Me - Puddle of Mud.

Along the lines of #7, R had a burned cd we'd crank up as we were getting down. By the time it got to this song, we were usually in the final throes...Ahh...

9)In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel.

Just picture John Cusack and Ione Skye sweaty and trembling in the backseat of that car...and of course, the stereo above the head. To be 17 again...

10)Cowboy Take Me Away - Dixie Chicks.

This one is corny, I know. But tell me a tumble in the grass in the middle of nowhere doesn't sound enticing?
(A side note, in college I had a friend who worked as a drag queen, and was starting a band...I said they should call themselves the Chicksie Dicks. He laughed so hard coffee sprayed out of his nose. It was very funny.)

11)Crazy on You/Magic Man - Heart.

Both of these make me feel like I'm on an uncontrollable psychedelic trip. Makes me wanna go...well...crazy on someone.

12)No One - Alicia Keys.

This is my current favorite song. UPS and I had a really good time last weekend because this song was playing and I just lost myself in love (and lust, yeah.)

Is it getting hot in here??

13)When You Say Nothing At All - by anyone.

I don't care who is singing this one - Keith Whitley, Allison Krauss, Ronan Keating, it doesn't matter. This song usually makes me feel like emotional, lay-it-all-on-the-line love making.

So now you know what gets my heart thumping, the river flowing, and my emotions going...How about you? What song tickles your...fancy?

And now for a request. Next week I want to get personal (what? you ask. You mean even more so? Yes.) Post a question in the comments section and I'll answer 13 of them next Thursday, and the rest probably on Friday.

Enjoy the rest of your week!

I really think someone drugged me on Sunday

2008-01-09T09:32:00.000-06:00

And it's a high powered drug, because I'm still running full tilt on enthusiasm. I mean, I have always been a positive person. The glass has always been half full, even if it was half full of liquid with mold coating the top.

But this is bordering on ridiculous.

I think today it's because of the New Hampshire primary. How fun is this? No matter how you slice it, there's either going to be a chick or a black guy on the democratic ticket come November. That is thrilling! Even more thrilling is the fact that either one of them would do a great job in creating change. I'm sure everyone here knows I'm a hardcore Clinton supporter, but I do love me some Obama (even though a small part of me feels he could be the Antichrist...It's a conspiracy theory I've been working on, perhaps I'll share it one day) He's very charismatic, but also very young and inexperienced. They said that about JFK too, I'm sure.

But in a bar fight? My money's on the lady.

And as for the GOP, Way to go Mr. McCain. He's a spry one, and I like that. Mitt Romney could drown in boiling oil and I wouldn't care, but I'd jump in and pull John out. He's a nice guy, I can tell. I'll bet he gets in the floor and plays with his grandchildren.

Anywho, enough about that. I promise not to get too politically charged around here. I like to fight about this stuff, it gets my blood flowing, but I'll keep it outta here for the most part.

The only bad thing happening right now is my ass of an ex husband who hasn't seen (or contacted) his children since Christmas. So if I'm carted off to the clink for committing murder, you know why.

Updated @ 12:52 - One more bad thing. Apparently my car break-in on Monday wasn't just a lipstick swipe. My debit MasterCard is now missing. It's what the state puts my child support payments on. So now I'm off to call it in. But I'm sure someone enjoyed their meal ticket for a few days, and I'm out the cash. Great.

But damn it, I'm still smiling!

Suddenly See More

2008-01-08T09:51:00.000-06:00

Isn't it funny how when you're up, everything and everyone is trying to bring you down? What the hell??

Yesterday was just one thing after another. When I went outside to go to work yesterday, my van door was standing wide open and there was (were?) greasy black handprints all over everything. The front seats were covered in dried grass. Funny, but the only thing missing was a tube of lipstick. And I had some cash up in the sunglasses compartment, so maybe someone just needed a little freshening up.

Then my boss tells me that she is very seriously considering selling the business. Not like, to another owner so I'll still have a job, but just the inventory. So I spent the afternoon scrambling around trying to get my ducks in a row, getting my feelers out for a job.

I didn't panic, which I take as a good sign. When I look back to where I was a year ago, with literally NOTHING (trying to adjust to being a single jobless mother living on the $450 I made working only on Saturdays, feeding my kids with food stamps, and receiving zero help from my darling ex husband), I am encouraged that I am at least partly back on my feet now. I can successfully run an entire small business essentially by myself. The owner is only here maybe two days a week.

So I guess I didn't really let it get me down, did I?
I see bigger things in my future (no, not big flesh eating plants as could be implied by my title line, lol), I have HOPE, which is something I was certainly lacking 12 months ago.

And here's the exciting part...I'm going to try to make a go of that children's clothing line I was talking about several months ago. I made shirts for my boys a while back that say, "Don't blame me, I'm too young to vote", and people stop us all the time to ask where they came from.

I was awake all night thinking about this, and I'm very, very excited. Like, pee in my pants excited (only I didn't really, don't worry).

So, that's that.

Britney did something crazy

2008-01-07T09:22:00.000-06:00

Yeah, sorry. Hard up for a subject line, so I thought I'd just steal one from the mainstream media...

I just thought I'd let you know that you are talking to (or reading the words of) a whole new person. Well, not new. How about a rejuvenated, "back to herself" type person.

The weekend didn't start out all that great. My mom picked up my boys Friday night because she knew I was feeling a little down and out, which was nice. So I called UPS and we went out with one of his friends. Well, the friend turns out to be a little touchy feely after a few beers and while dancing he began to um...make UPS a little upset? Not a great way to end our evening out, but when we got home it was worth it. I think I like UPS a little bit jealous, lol.

Saturday R called and wanted to come over. I told him no! Good for me, right? Yes. But then I started feeling a little wistful and mopey.

Sunday however, was a brand new day. I don't know what happened. It started out fairly normal: church, lunch out with my ex-mother-in-law (it's a Sunday tradition), and home to clean up the house...Later that night I was sitting around and it was like a cool breeze washed over me on a hot day (like the visual? Yeah, I'm creative). I was just like, ok all of a sudden. I was just happy and positive and ready to take on the world.

I woke up this morning and thought, "Ok, what can I do to make the world a little brighter today?"

Plus, it's like 65 degrees outside, so I'm sure that is helping.

So here I go, off to start my day. Inventory to do, customers to smile at.

Have a great Monday!

Hardships

2008-01-04T09:13:00.000-06:00

So I had quite the hurdle to jump this week didn't I?

And I think I cleared it.

When UPS stopped in to see me late Wednesday, I told him R was in town. I explained that he was one of the best friends I've ever had in my life, that we had once been together, and that I hadn't seen him in six years. I also told him that he was the only one who'd ever made me forget about R for even a second. And that's the absolute truth. I even gave him the option of telling me I couldn't have dinner with R. I didn't want to disrespect UPS in any way. He is the direction my life is headed, not California.

Being with R that night was so, so hard. I felt like I was constantly fighting back tears...well, probably because I was, lol. Unless you've done it, you have no idea how hard it is to look into the face of someone you loved beyond measure and tell him that it just can't be. R was what I thought I wanted for so long, how could I push it away when he was standing right there in front of me?
We held hands and talked for a long time that night...
The only thing he said about UPS was, "Don't do anything irrational."

He still wants me to come to California.
I don't think he gets that I mean it when I say I'm not going.

Why aren't I going???

Someone posted a comment yesterday that R doesn't bring out the best in me. My first reaction to that was, "Not true! He does bring out the best!" But that isn't quite right. Yes, R makes me feel empowered, but he also makes me feel a little bit overpowered. I've always done everything he's told me to. R makes me feel selfish, and like the only thing that matters is how I feel, screw everyone else.

I'm a mother now, my brain doesn't operate on that frequency anymore.

I'm feeling topsy-turvy and scared.

Still, a part of me wants to throw everything away and be with R. But it's a much, much smaller part of me than the part that wants to be safe in the arms of UPS. That's where I know I am valued above all things, and appreciated not only because I am a woman, but also because I am a mother. UPS and I are on the same wavelength. We have the same priorities and goals for our lives.

R is still chasing a dream. And even though I know he loves me, I still can't help but feel like he just wants to win what he lost six years ago.
I think I finally understand that he'll never be the man I want him to be, and I will never be the girl that I was.

Wow.

Um, so...it's Friday.
Woohoo and stuff.
Have a great weekend.
I have really exciting plans like cleaning the house and grocery shopping. UPS and his oldest son might come over for dinner one night...not sure. After all the turmoil, I could use a quiet weekend to myself.

The Rocker Returns and Thursday Thirteen: Bad Influence

2008-01-02T16:24:00.000-06:00

Drummer-in-a-rock-band Richard.

There was a big lead up to that before Christmas that went nowhere, right? Did he come home or didn't he?

Well, he didn't come home when I expected him to. I thought I'd dodged a bullet. I was even fine with it. Just made everything a little easier. I didn't have to explain him to UPS, I didn't have to tell him that UPS and I were in a very serious relationship. Good, good.

I'm working on inventory and I hear the bell ding above the door to let me know someone has entered the store. I see this guy with this crazylong hair and facial hair...he has a friendly look on his face like he knows me. I had just kind of glanced up and asked, "Can I help you?"

To which the stranger replied, "Are you kidding?"

It was like someone took over my body. I screamed "Oh my God!" at the top of my lungs and literally threw myself at him. There was the whole picking me up and swinging me around moment. Very exciting.

I hadn't seen his face in six years, and there he was. Standing right in front of me. I was shocked. Surprised. And so, so happy to see him.

I guess I have to tell UPS that he's in town. R is taking me to dinner tonight. So I guess I have to tell him that UPS and I are on the road to Forevertown. (It takes a long time to get there...)

I'll tell you all about that later. For now, in honor of R, here is Thursday Thirteen: Bad Influence (Posted late Wednesday). Thirteen things about my relationship with R, things about us, things we've done, etc...

1. I have smoked pot exactly twice. Both times with R. The first time was at his 19th birthday party. All I got was tired and cranky, what was the fun in that? I did agree to try it one more time a few weeks later. Tired and cranky. If this was what all the fuss was about, I could leave it.

2. I totalled my car one night coming home from his house. At this point in our relationship, it overlapped with my relationship with ExHusband (this is before we were engaged or married or anything, ok?), and ExHusband didn't need to know where I'd been...I was driving down the dirt road and a deer ran in front of me. I panicked (I'd already hit one deer that year, it isn't a fun thing) and lost control of the car, barrell rolling several times and flipping end over end at least twice.
Obviously, I did not die. And no, I had not been drinking.

3. We worked together and everyone was all up in our business relationship-wise. One day, the woman who worked in the office told everyone in the place that I was pregnant and that I was afraid to tell R. I had people coming up to me all day asking me what was going on. I was so upset that I started crying. R saw me and wanted to know what was wrong, but someone else blurted out, "She's pregnant, you idiot!" Before I could say anything. He immediately sat down beside me and said, "This is ok. We'll be fine..." Other things befitting the "situation". He was so sweet and serious it was almost a shame to have to tell him I wasn't pregnant, lol. And boy that office lady got her ass handed to her, let me tell you.

4. Girls were always hitting on him. It was so bad that they'd actually come into the store and hover around giggling.

Amazingly, I only had to yell at a few and threaten one.

5. He is my first real, true, absolute 100% love. There is one person before him who came close, and UPS is the only one after.

6. He would do anything for me. There is not a doubt in my mind about this.

7. He asked my step-dad if he could marry me a week before he proposed. I said yes immediately, and we were ready to just run away and live our lives together. But things got in the way, he wouldn't stop partying, he wouldn't calm down...I wanted a stable life and we'd started fighting about it. I was tired of the lifestyle we were living. So when ExHusband proposed as well, I broke off the engagement to one and accepted the other.

And spent the next 5 years of my life being miserable without my Richard.
(I got my kids out of my marriage, so yes, it was worth it, but everyday I wished they were my boys with R, and not the ExHusband)

8. Our work had a men's softball team, and R played. After the first game, I ran over and threw my arms around him and gave him a kiss. He looked at me and said, "You are the only girl I've ever been with who'd come anywhere near me if I was hot or sweating."
I was shocked.
Who cares if he had grass in his hair, mud on his face and sweat dripping down his cheek? I was going to kiss him anyway.
I loved him.

9. We fought a lot. I think we liked it. To this day, he is the only person I have ever unloaded my full temper on.

10. Making up was great ;)

11. His eyes are just as blue as I'd remembered.

12. Tonight is going to be one of the most difficult nights of my life. It's overwhelming to think about. And I feel a little sick.

13. I love R, I have missed R like crazy for six very long years.

But I will not...WILL NOT...ruin what I could possibly have with UPS by doing something stupid.

Not even to get blog fodder.

LOL!

Wish me luck, and happy Thursday!

C'est Janvier!

2008-01-02T10:21:00.000-06:00

Wow, I really did learn something in high school French!

Public school isn't so bad after all!

So who got drunk and who got lucky? Any exciting NYE stories to tell? UPS and I hung out with our kids, got them to bed around 10PM, and then the two of us stayed up and played Battleship.

Mama needed a drink and was a little desperate after all those kids running around her. But Grape Crush and Wild Turkey 101 don't mix. That is my Public Service Announcement for the day. Take it seriously, folks.

It was the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth.

Ever.

I think the new year might call for a new job. I've started hating this place beyond all explanation. I used to truly love it. I still love the concept. I love our product and the possiblities...I do not love working for someone who can't seem to get the ideas off the table and out the door. I don't fault her, really. She's busy. But my livlihood is hanging in the balance. My kids need a house to live in and food to eat...and a mother who isn't stressed out 85% of the time.

Now, on to resolutions. I don't generally do new year's resolutions, because they're kind of like promises. I don't make promises because I don't always follow through on keeping them. Therefore, I do not make resolutions, because I can't keep those either. I think that's fair to everyone involved, right?

This year I'll throw a few out there for fun, mmkay?

This year I resolve to:

1. Lose 10 of the 15 pounds I've gained since UPS and I have been together. I am very vain about the size of my jeans.

2. Kick Matt Lauer in the face. Hard.
(That seemed to make everyone laugh on Thursday, so I thought I'd throw it out there again. I'm a one-trick pony, so sue me.)

3. Stop over-analyzing things and learn to relax.
(If this one happens, it'll be a miracle.)

4. Move to a new house.

5. Find a new job.

6. Stop putting razor blades and acid into kids' Halloween candy.

7. Release Rudolph into the wild.

8. Stop instigating fights between small mammals.

9. Stop cracking my knuckles. This is the one thing I do that drives UPS crazy. (This is on here for good measure...really, I say, I'll quit cracking my knuckles when he stops snoring. Let's see how that goes.)

10. Never, ever drink Grape Crush and Wild Turkey 101.

Ok, so there's ten resolutions for this year. I expect all of you to hold me accountable.

Happy New to the Year.

Word.

(11. Stop trying to make slang work for me.)

See you next year!

2007-12-28T10:52:00.000-06:00

moar funny pictures

Doesn't that freak you out a little bit?
I was going for New Year Cheer and got LOLCat terror.

Anyway...there's a good chance I won't be back until Wednesday. By some sweet miracle I might actually get Monday off. UPS and I are planning to cook dinner for his extended family and then spend the evening with our multitude of boy children. There may be blood, there may be tears, but by golly we're ringing in the new year together.

No parties this year. Actually, there haven't been any parties since my boys have been born. People don't seem to want to babysit on New Year's Eve. Go figure.
That's really the downside to kids. You might get a nice bonus where your tax return is concerned, but does that really compensate? I'm not sure.

LOL.

Otherwise, I just plan to sit around and read my Stephen Colbert book.

Cheers!

Thursday Thirteen : Pulling it out of...somewhere

2007-12-27T09:18:00.000-06:00

I normally put a lot of effort into my lists, but this week...well, I still love you. I really do. It's just been a long week, ok? OK? Stop pressuring me already!!!!

Ok. Sorry. I've taken a deep breath and am ready to begin...

Thirteen nothings. Just random stuff taken out of my head today.

1) Isn't it funny how in the song "Crazy" by Aerosmith, there's a line that says, "I feel like the color blue"...and then a few years afterward they made a song called "Pink"??

2)Sometimes I get really awful gifts for the holidays. And it never fails that after receiving one of those awful gifts, someone will say, "Oh SK, I saw it and thought of you!"

Really? What did I do to piss you off so badly? It must have been really terrible if you thought of me while looking at that.

3)I often have the urge to kick Matt Lauer in the face. Hard.

4)I got an email from Hillary Clinton wishing me Merry Christmas. She thanked me for my friendship and support. Awesome. So now that we're such good friends Mrs. Clinton, can I borrow some cash??

5)Explanation for having been engaged three times (so that I do not look like some kind of ring whore): Time #1 - Fiance got another girl pregnant. I do hope you think that's an ok reason to not go through with marriage...lol.
Time#2 and Time#3 kind of coincide - Was briefly engaged to Drummer-in-a-rock-band-Richard but chose the ExHusband instead...because he seemed like the safer choice. Fat lot I knew, eh?
See? Not so scandalous after all.

6)I am unable to blow my nose in a quiet and ladylike manner. It is unsexy and slightly embarassing, but I sound a little bit like a foghorn.

7)Every now and then, I want to just run through my store and knock everything off the shelves. Because I'm sick to death of looking at the same crap day after day after day after....you get the picture.

8)I'm terrified of the day I think it's ok to wear a holiday sweater involving sewn on snowmen and/or sequins. Or black Reebok walking shoes.

9)My 2 year old told me he wants to drive a "P.O.S. truck, just like Lee!"
I told UPS that and he laughed so hard.

10)Next week I get to book the cabin for the trip UPS and I are taking in February. Woo Hoo!!

11)Oh, no. Oh, no....I'm running out of clever things to say and I'm two away from thirteen. *Panic setting in*

12)So...Airline food...What is up with that?

13)I won! I reached the finish line! Ha! And all of you thought I couldn't do it. Never underestimate the power of procrastination. We're professionals at getting it done at the last minute.

Happy Thursday!

Ok, so now what?

2007-12-26T12:08:00.000-06:00

Christmas is over.

What a letdown.

Everything went fairly well, actually. No fights broke out or anything, which is good I suppose. Lacking in entertainment value, but good all the same.

I did get a ring from UPS, but not the engagement type. It's a big, fat one carat amethyst set in white gold though. And it only fits my left hand, so he said we should take that as a sign, lol.

Oh, I did have one major "angry moment" this weekend...I was out picking up a few last minute batteries on Christmas Eve afternoon, and I ran into ex-FIL's girlfriend. She was buying some presents for my boys to put their dad's name on...Because he didn't buy his own children anything. He told me he had got their stuff two months ago, turns out he didn't get them anything.

But he did buy his friends some stuff. Because friends are more important than your own children you know. I mean, I suppose that's the lesson he wants me to learn from this...

I wish he would catch on fire.

Otherwise, things were lovely.

Hope you all had a great holiday.

Waiting for my blood pressure to return to normal...

2007-12-21T09:15:00.001-06:00

Nope. Not happening yet.

Yeah, yesterday I was spirited, today I wanna knock Santa the fuck out.

I am in the Christmas program at church (yes, but I don't swear when I'm there) and we were supposed to have practice last night at 6pm. My church is in the middle of freaking no where, 13 miles down a hilly curvy road. And it was foggy last night. Like, can't see 10 feet in front of you foggy. So I am rushing around trying to get out of work on time, get the kids picked up, run home to change into a sweatshirt, pick up dinner and go. The drive was nerve wracking, and at one point I'm rounding a curve and see this giant brown shape standing next to the road. I'm thinking, That damn deer better not jump out in front of me. Well, let me just say, that if that mailbox had jumped out in front of me, it would have been a goner.

I pull into the church parking lot at five minutes til 6:00. There is no one there. What the hell? Practice is at 6, people. Then I begin to doubt myself...maybe I was wrong. There's like, 10 other people in this thing, someone else should be here. At five minutes after 6:00 I leave. I get back to town at about 6:20 and my phone rings. "Where are you?"

Excuse me?

"Where am I? I'm back in town, the kids are screaming for their food, I'm tired and I'm not coming back."
The excuse was "You know none of us are ever early."
5 minutes til is NOT EARLY. To me, five minutes before you're supposed to be somewhere is late.
None of these people seem to realize I don't have the luxury of a husband or babysitter at my disposal. To me, being late is inconsiderate. I guess I am the only person who feels that way. I was so, so mad. I don't even care if it is irrational, LOL, which I'm sure most of you think it is.
That's why I'm glad I live in America. I'm free to be Pissed The Fuck Off.

Hand me the remote, let's change channels. This one is boring...

--I had a sex dream about one of my brother's friends.

My brother is a 15 year old high school freshman, so do the math. His friend is too. This is the second time. I'm a dirty old cougar, aren't I? I mean, I've only seen this kid a handful of times, and I'm not attracted to his skinny little teenage anything. He's the one who asked me to the Homecoming Dance back in October, lol. But why is this happening? Why can't it be a sex dream about like, Johnny Depp or even better, UPS, who is hotter than anyone else on the planet? (yes, I am delusional and in love, get over it, lol)
It's kind of creeping me out.

--So what's with all of the shocked, hushed whispers about Tina Turner not going to Ike's funeral? Would you go to your ex's funeral if all he ever did was exploit you and beat your ass all the time? Hell no.
Leave Tina alone.

--When I was getting my coffee from McD's this morning, a group of guys I went to high school with (they were a year ahead of me) were walking inside together. I guess it was a "we're all back in town for the holiday, let's hang out" kinda deal. I laughed so hard I nearly pissed myself. These were the "cool" kids, you know? Three athletes, top students, etc...Time is not kind. Those bastards were noticeably overweight and wearing ill fitting khaki pants...and one of them was nearly bald. Ha! I was cute in high school, but I wasn't a cheerleader so they wouldn't have anything to do with me, romance wise.
The tables have turned. Looks don't matter to me in the slightest as long as there's some personality involved, ok? These three guys are now devoid of both.
I took some satisfaction in that. But I'm bitchy today, so whatever.

--One of our toy vendors sent us a Christmas package in the mail yesterday. Cheap bastards. We got a ziploc bag in the shape of a penguin filled with cheap, nasty German candy (licorice toffee??)and a chip clip. What? A chip clip? What is that shit about?

--UPS got me jewelry for Christmas. I saw the box. I SAW THE BOX!!!

Wonder what's in it?? Care to wager a guess? Don't guess engagement ring, b/c I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm not ready to get married like, tomorrow, or anything, but in the next year would be fine. Getting engaged is the fun part anyway. I should know.

I've been engaged three times.

------------------------------------------------------

Well, this is my last post until the 26th, so I hope all of you have a Merry Whateveryoucelebrate!!
Warm and fuzzy wishes for a nice holiday coming your way. Enjoy your friends and family, have fun, and be careful!
Love you all!!

Thursday Thirteen: Space Hog

2007-12-19T14:42:00.000-06:00

Takin' up space is the name of the game today people. Thirteen Quiz results.
Super fun, right? Right?

That's what I thought.
Enjoy!

1.

You Are a Christmas Sweater!

Over the top, colorful, and totally flashy.
You're not afraid to be a little tacky.

What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You?

You Know a Lot About Christmas

You got 7/10 correct

You know tons about the history and traditions surrounding Christmas.
When you celebrate the holidays, you never forget their true meaning - or all the little fun details.

Random Christmas fact: "Silent Night" was originally played on guitar.

How Much Do You Know About Christmas?

You Are Blitzen

Always in good spirits, you're the reindeer who loves to party down with Santa.

Why You're Naughty: You're always blitzed on Christmas Eve, while flying!

Why You're Nice: You mix up a mean eggnog martini.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Your Christmas Song Is

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

You're not looking to the family holiday thing...
Unless someone gets run over by a reindeer!

What Christmas Carol Are You?

Your Christmas is Most Like: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Christmas is a big, boisterous event at your place.
And no matter what, something hilarious usually happens.

What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

For the twelve days of Christmas, your true love will send you:

Twelve robots drumming
Eleven snowmen a-melting
Ten midgets a-leaping
Nine ladies yodeling
Eight llamas a-milking
Seven gingerbread men a-crumbling
Six Santas a-hohohoing
Five Golden Girls
Four calling telemarketers
Three French fries
Two bottles of whiskey
And a chimp in a peach tree

What Will You Get for the 12 Days of Christmas?

You Are a Funny Gift Giver

Your gifts are wacky, offbeat, and even borderline naughty.
You prefer to give a gift that makes someone crack up...
Forget utility. You prefer to give something that's totally hilarious.

What Kind of Gift Giver Are You?

Your Elf Name Is...

Minty Fluffernutter

What's Your Elf Name?

Your Christmas Stocking Will Be Filled With a Puppy

Well - one cute, soft, cuddly puppy...
And a very soiled Christmas stocking.

What Will Be In Your Christmas Stocking?

10.

You Are Eggnog

Rich, sweet, and probably a little drunk. Everyone who knows you tends to get a little fatter.

What Holiday Food Are You?

11.

You Are a Bow

You don't think of it as the holiday season - you think of it as the present season!

What Christmas Ornament Are You?

12.

You Are a Traditional Christmas Tree

For a good Christmas, you don't have to re-invent the wheel.
You already have traditions, foods, and special things you bring out every year.

What Christmas Tree Are You?

13.

Your Holiday Stress Level is Moderate

The holidays sometimes stress you out, but mostly because they wear you down.
Take it easy! You can have a fun holiday without running yourself ragged.

What's Your Holiday Stress Level?

Practically a wordless Wednesday....

2007-12-19T09:50:00.000-06:00

because I'm in shock actually.

Should I really dedicate this post to Jamie Lynne Spears, proud teen mother-to-be, or should this sentence be the end of it?

Ah, what the hell, let's dive on in. I really had hope for this one. I thought she was a smart girl. You know, maybe she is a smart girl. Maybe this is all pretend, just to take the attention away from her train wreck sister. Yeah, let's go with that.

It's always the "good girls" you have to look out for. My mother was a straight A student and captain of the track team...She had me when she was 17.
Anyway, as for Jamie Lynne, even if she is only 16, I have a very strong feeling she's going to be a better mother and role model than big sis.

In other, unrelated news....

R is going to be back in town. Remember drummer-in-a-rock-band Richard? His plane was supposed to have landed last night. I keep waiting for him to just show up unannounced. It's scaring me a little. He's been on tour, and we haven't talked very much in the last few months. He doesn't know about UPS, and I'm pretty sure he thinks that him coming home for Christmas will be the start of us getting back together. For the first time in 6 years, that isn't what I want...and I don't know how to tell him that. He'll be in town for 10 days. For me that's 10 days of total discomfort. When and where will he show up? Is he going to cause a scene when I break the news?

Not knowing. What a bitch.

Sound Bites

2007-12-18T21:15:00.000-06:00

The trip wasn't all snow and blow, we did have a pretty fun time. Here are a few moments I think you'll enjoy. Either that, or they were total 'had to be there' moments, whatever.
A refresher on acronyms, E1 is my male married friend, E2 is his wife, J is our gay male friend.

(Driving home on Sunday)
E1 - What do they do with all that snow they push over off the road?
J- Well, in like, New York City they have a big dump where they take it. Like, a big place just to dump snow.
Me - Yeah, in the summer, they let kids swim there.
J, turning around with an amazed expression (and being serious) - Really?
Me - (deadpan) Not at all. No.

(raucous laughter from E1 and E2)

------------------------------------

(Saturday night, as we're all laying in bed, E2's 3 year old cousin comes downstairs, I see her first and say, "We have a visitor". Now, E2 has taken her back upstairs...)

J- When you said "we have a visitor" I got scared. I 'bout pulled out my 9.
(E1 and I giggling)
E1 - Your nine? Oh come on, you know it's only a 4. (laughter)
J - Well bend over bitch and find out!
(hysterical laughter from the sleep deprived)

---------------------------------------

(Sunday, leaving brunch)
E1 - Goddammit, look at all these idiots without lights on. Nobody can fucking drive!
J - Hey, man, where's your Christmas cheer?
Me - Well, if he's out, I've got a flask of it in my purse.
(laughter, laughter, laughter)

----------------------------------------

(Sunday, shopping)
E2 - This is the gayest strip of stores I've ever seen.
J - (Giggling)I know, isn't it great?
Me - Best Buy, Old Navy, and PetSmart. Yep, gay.
J - Yeah, we go to Old Navy and buy new pajamas to snuggle in while watching season 1 of Will and Grace on dvd in front of our new flatscreen, while we feed treats to our goddamned fru-fru dog! It's like heaven!

---------------------------------------

(Saturday, dinner)

E1 - SK, you can push your plate back a little farther (it was sitting close to the edge of the table)
Me - The waiter said it was hot and I think it's still (reaches to touch plate, burns hand) Fuck! Yeah, it's still hot!
J - Well your shirt is red, so if the sauce gets on you, it will blend.
Me - Actually, my shirt is more of a wine color. His (points to waiter) shirt is red.
Waiter (seeing us point, but not hearing everything we said) - What are you pulling me into, here?
J - Well, what would you prefer we pull you into? I'm gay and she's (points to me) horny, take your pick!
Waiter (shocked and slightly confused) - What? Umm...do you need anything else, cause, um... I can take your plates....(hurries away.)

(laughter)

-----------------------------------
So, yeah. Fun times, fun times.

Wicked Awesome

2007-12-17T13:55:00.001-06:00

(imagine that in a Boston accent, of course.)

Soooooooooo....I'm back, but just barely. Seeing as how I NEARLY DIED on the road in St. Louis this weekend.

Here's the weekend rundown...

Friday, X's program went fabulously. He remembered his lines and sang and threw himself at Santa (while screaming, Saaannnttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I don't know why. We don't really do the Santa thing at home, but he seems to be a pretty hardcore believer this year.)
I went to stay with UPS that night...we had a lovely time, thanks for asking.

Saturday the fun really got started. They picked me up an hour and a half late (didn't I tell you 9am meant 10:30? I was right on the nose!)
We were having a great time, the four of us. Until about halfway there when the rain turned to sleet...3/4 of the way there, it was sleet and giant blowing snowflakes. We were slightly less happy, and more like, oh, I don't know...praying a lot. I-44 was a literal nightmare. People driving like idiots, people driving without their lights on, etc...

By the time we got to E2's aunt's house and dropped our stuff off, it had slowed down, and we were able to hit the malls and do a little shopping. We had dinner at a really nice Italian place and an hour later J and I were fighting over who got to throw up first in the Old Navy parking lot. Not a great experience. And no, we were not drunk. At least I wasn't. I didn't have a drop of alcohol all weekend, thankyouverymuch.
We go back to the house and get dressed for the show, and by this time the snow has picked up again, you can't see the roads (or across the street for that matter), so we leave an hour and a half early for the theater. Good thing we did too.

The musical was absolutely amazing. The girl who played Elphaba (The Wicked Witch of the West, for the uninitiated) brought the house down. After her first solo song, people were literally staring with jaws dropped and eyes popped. She was incredible. I had tears in my eyes, it's really indescribable how good she was. The girl who played Glinda was great too. Very Mary Katherine Gallagher-esque choreography on occasion.

We left the theater at 11pm to my version of hell. The police were directing traffic, the roads were solid sheets of ice and snow (no blacktop showing through, no lines showing, nothing. Solid sheets.), only two cars at a time could make it through the green light at the corner. The 15 minute drive back to the house took us an hour and 15 minutes. We were on I-55, and once again, you couldn't see the roads at all. No one was driving in a lane, because there were no lanes, lol. We just kind of stuck to the middle, so if we were to slide off, it'd take us a while to get there, LOL! Cars were all in the ditch, overturned in the median...And the best part, when we got back to South County, we saw a police officer stop at a donut shop (cliche come to life!) and another police officer parked under a bridge PLAYING SOLITAIRE ON HIS LAPTOP. I am not even kidding. We were stopped at a red light right beside him, and could see in through his car windows. I felt very served and protected at that moment, let me tell you.

Sunday was more shopping and the trip home, which was much more relaxing for everyone. The roads were cleared by that time, so we could enjoy each other's company. It was a fun trip, not a homerun or anything, but a solid stand-up double. Clarifying, the show was a homerun, just not the overall trip.

I didn't take a single picture. That is why I don't make promises, I always break them. But I'll have something photographic to post this week to make up for it. I never did post any from Halloween...

I hope you all had a great weekend, and hopefully I'll be back to normal tomorrow. I'm exhausted!

Something Wicked this way comes...

2007-12-14T09:18:00.000-06:00

Oh holy Shiite Muslim, I am so freakin' excited!

Tomorrow I am headed up to the STL to see Wicked. We will be seeing it at the The Fox Theater. I'm going with my married friends E1 and E2 (Now that they're married, they both have the initials EJG. Weird? Yes.) and our gay friend J. We plan to shop, see the show, and then go out and have some fun.
In honor of this little excursion with E1, E2, and J, I will share a story that involves the three of them. This one is entitled, "Just one of the times SK drank too much and embarrassed herself".

It was my first Christmas after X was born. It was the first time I'd been out of the house around other adults with no baby, and the first time I was allowed to drink after nearly a year of no alcohol, due to being knocked up and all...

I don't really plan on drinking much at this Christmas party, hosted by E1 and E2. I plan on chatting and being a grown up. Well, that's not what happened. I wasn't in the house 5 seconds before someone handed me a Dos Equis. I don't even like beer, but that sucker was gone before the sweat hit the coaster. Then I switched it up to egg nog. Umm..Yeah, it was heavily spiked. But it tasted so good. No exaggeration, I drank 3/4 of the bowl by.my.self. I used to be the good time girl, you know? Drinking the boys under the table and what not...I did not factor in no drinky for long time equals don't over do it sista. I remember kaleidoscopic vision and people laughing at me and continuing to bring me glasses of white wine. I must have smoked three packs of other people's cigarettes...It was the first, last and only time I ever had to be carried out of somewhere...by E1, J, and my ex husband.
E1 and E2 say this is why they haven't hosted a Christmas party since. I drank all the booze, and left none for the other guests.

Let's just say, I've never repeated that experience. At least, not to that degree.

So, I'm definitely looking forward to this weekend. Tonight X has his preschool Christmas program, after which he and L are going home with their dad. I'm going to stay with UPS tonight, go home tomorrow morning and pack for STL, then leave around 9am-ish for the city. It's a four hour drive. I'm not even dreading the drive. It'll be like four girlfriends on a road trip. Yeah, yeah, two of the involved are guys, but one is gay and E1 is very effeminate, so yeah, like four girlfriends...So fun, I can't wait!

And guess what? I'm making a promise, which I never do, to post pictures. I swear I will take some and get them off the camera, ok? I will post them sometime next week, most likely Tuesday.
Ya'll excited now? I thought so.

Happy Weekend!!

Oh, and I wanted to add...I've been working on the other One Hit Wonder TTs, and I'm telling you now, cutting these things down to 13 is hard work. The 60s were difficult, but I did it. The 70s? I haven't even begun to pare those down yet. It is kinda fun though!

Thursday Thirteen : DOA Part One

2007-12-12T15:11:00.000-06:00

This week's Thirteen is a music one. Thirteen One-Hit Wonders from the 1950's. I hope I am not the only one who was given a great love of the "oldies" by a family member. My grandmother was a teenager in the '50's and this was "her" music. We had some of the best times on Saturday afternoons listening to her old records and singing along...she even let me wear her old poodle skirts. (yes, they really do exist.)
I found the songs on One Hit Wonder Central. I'll probably do a list like this for every decade, but not all in a row. Enjoy the walk down memory lane...

1. Little Bitty Pretty One by Thurston Harris, 1957

2. The Book of Love by The Monotones, 1958

3. Rockin' Robin by Bobby Day, 1958

4. Purple People Eater by Sheb Wooley, 1958

5. To Know Him is to Love Him by The Teddy Bears, 1958

6. Only You, Instrumental by Frank Pourcel, 1959

7. Sea of Love by Phil Phillips and the Twilights, 1959

8. Sorry (I ran all the way home) by The Impalas, 1959

9. Get A Job by The Silhouettes, 1958

10. Mr. Lee by The Bobbettes, 1957

11. One Summer Night by The Danleers, 1958

12. Sh-Boom by The Chords, 1954

13. Earth Angel by The Penguins, 1955

Several mood enhancers and a trip to Walgreens later...

2007-12-12T09:24:00.000-06:00

I was in a bad mood yesterday, wasn't I?
Today should be better. So far, the only bad thing to happen is the losers at Sonic forgot to put picante sauce in my bag, so I had to dip my tater tots in regular ketchup. Ew.

About a month ago, our town got a Walgreens. Very exciting stuff. Today was my first trip in. Around here, you have to wait about a month to go someplace new. I haven't been to the Colton's Steakhouse yet, b/c it's packed every night, and God help us when Ruby Tuesday opens this summer. Anyway, I needed laundry detergent, and didn't want to go to the 'Mart.

I thought Walgreens was supposed to be a nice store. Ours is pretty ghettofied for only having been open a month. Have you ever seen the movie "The Good Girl" with Jennifer Aniston and Jake Gyllenhaal(or however the heck you spell it)? It's kind of like the store they work at. Very depressing. The people behind the counters look tired and lost, like they were very high or attempting to manage a hangover. Slumped shoulders, eyes glazed over and staring into space, twirling hair around fingers, chewing gum with mouths wide open...

The commercials on television make Walgreens look like a magical place where everything is glittering and lovely. False advertising. I expected the workers to be bright-eyed, with sparkles on their cheeks and a song in their heart...much like the elves in The Santa Clause. Ah, well. Disappointment is a part of life I guess, lol.

As you may remember, I work two doors down from a pawn shop. All the time there are men (and a few women) walking down the street carrying guns, or on occasion, chainsaws. I thought I was going to witness a homicide this morning. A man came out of the pawn shop yelling and storming around, then slammed back inside. Soon, a police car drove up in front, and the man came back out with a rifle, still yelling, stomping, etc...He was literally waving the rifle around like a crazy person.

I was nervous b/c the cop is the really cute one who calls me Miz K (we met during an incident with the ex last summer, and he always says hello when he sees me. Anyone want a 20something cop for a boyfriend? He's a very nice guy.)

Hottie Police Officer said something to him , Captain Angry calmed down, got in his truck and started to drive off...but not before screaming, "I'm leaving now, OK???" at the top of his lungs. Welcome to Redneckville. HPO then came into the store to say hi. I told him I was glad he didn't get his head blown off, and he just laughed. Apparently this guy is one of his "regulars". He takes stuff to the pawn shop all of the time, and about every other trip in, he thinks they are trying to rip him off, and he loses it. I could never date a cop. I would be worried sick all of the time. I have a very close friend who is a sherrif's deputy, and I worry about
him like crazy (he's already been in one high speed chase where he hit a tree and nearly died.)

UPS has a pretty safe job, for which I'm thankful. Unless a large pile of boxes falls on his head, I think he'll be ok.

The queen of un-cool proudly wears her crown

2007-12-11T09:26:00.000-06:00

I've been talking about gift giving a lot lately, but it's just on my mind, so here's some more gift talk...
I have been declared "lame". Firstly, I didn't know kids said that anymore, but whatever. I was on the phone with my stepmom, and we were talking Christmas. I overhear my sister in the background saying, "God, is she going to get me some lame book again or something?" Lame. Is that what I get for buying the kid award winning young adult literature? You know what? She's lame for sitting her fat 13 year old ass in front of MySpace all day having cybersex with God knows who while my stepmom shuffles her even fatter ass around ignoring what she's doing. If they lived closer, I'd be all over that girl trying to keep her from getting herself into trouble. I didn't do anything 'wrong' until I was 17. She's like a satanic terror, and I hate saying that about my own little sister, but it's true. My dad and step-mom also have a two year old (who is one month to the day older than MY two year old...yeah, weird, right? Right.) who is pretty much uncontrollable. The kids run the house. Sooo frustrating. Anyway, apparently I give lame gifts.

I'm hoping that UPS's kids don't feel that way...yes, I went in the book direction, but they're cool books. P is 8, almost 9, and I got him the Ripley's Believe It or Not book. An 8 year old will love that right? It's freakin' awesome! For the 5 year old I got Extreme Dinosaurs. The cover looks and feels like a leathery dinosaur eggshell, and there is a big shiny green eye peeking out of it. It has lots of cool pages and pictures with textures and secret open-up compartments, and on the page about Velociraptors, a big one pops up out of the middle. It is really, really cool. I mean, I would be thrilled to get one myself.
*sigh* UPS got my L a firetruck that makes noise and lights up, and X a giant airplane thing...also that makes noise. I guess this is why he is a dad and I am a mom.

Wow, this is a bad post...But I'm too lazy to change it because I have strep throat again. Yes, again. Why, why, why?

Hmm...Let's rethink things for a moment. You know, historically, the four weeks leading up to Christmas (or the advent) is supposed to be a time to relax. To prepare oneself for the coming of the Messiah, the King. How backwards do we have it? We're rushing around all crazy-like, and taking no time to think of what the season is really about. Is it about finding a Wii in time for the 25th, or is it about oh, I don't know, a king being born that will save all mankind? Not to preach, but seriously.
Gift giving is supposed to represent the three wise men bringing gifts to the baby Jesus...So save yourselves some money ok? Tell your kids that if three presents were enough for Jesus, three presents are enough for them.

And who cares if they call you lame.

Got Cosmo?

2007-12-10T09:25:00.000-06:00

I read it. You read it. Errybody and they neighbor's dog reads it.

But why?

I picked up the January issue this weekend, partly because it was time for the '08 bedside astrologer, and partly because Hillary Duff was on the cover (don't judge me, or I'll judge you back.) Also, in a really big font was the headline, "Dirty Sexy Sex". Well now. That requires some looking into. What a disappointment. It ranged from the "no thank you" (doing it on an exercise ball. that screams, "someone will be injured") to the "been there done that" (giving a blow job in the shower - which was the reader tested winner, btw).

Is Cosmo really the sophisticated woman's bible as so many claim, or merely a bunch of paper glued together with the same old crap in it every month, just shuffled around a little? I'm really leaning toward the latter. But will I still buy it? Yeah, probably. So what does that say about me?

Shifting gears, changing lanes...

Things I am thankful for:

-That I am not outside right now, b/c it is fucking pouring down rain.

-That it is only rain and not ice like the poor people north of us got.

-That UPS is in my life. I could get all mushy and elaborate, but I don't think anyone wants to vomit from imbibing in too much sweetness this morning.

-Footie pajamas on two year olds. It's really too cute for words.

On that note however, I was in WalMart looking for new pjs for the boys (so they look nice in Christmas morning pics, you know?), and I found footie pajamas in ridiculously large sizes. What 12 year old boy wants to wear footie pajamas? And what kind of cruel, cruel parent buys the 12 year old boy said footie pajamas? I know I could make a Christmas Story reference, but I won't, as that is a movie and I saw this shit in REAL LIFE.

Happy Monday!

Josh Groban, eye makeup, and I get to have sex tonight!

2007-12-07T09:55:00.000-06:00

So, since we're pushing Christmas stuff at work, I decided to buy some Christmas cds to play in the store, right? I saw a Josh Groban one. "Hmm, I love him." I thought, "but I don't have any of his music, why not start with the Christmas album."

It starts out great. His version of "Little Drummer Boy" has me bawling every time I hear it...but I guess when I said, "I love him" I meant, "I love one song at a time." After you listen to more than three songs in a row, your eyes begin to cross. After that your brain begins to liquify and drain out of your ear. It makes quite the mess. So a word of warning, take your Josh Groban in small doses.

So today is "The Day". Yesterday UPS was feeling the strain as much as I was. He was leaving and I told him I loved him, and he says, "You gonna show me how much tomorrow night?" I laughed in his face and said "No. Since I'm a sex-crazed maniac and all, and you made that sound like a bad thing, you'll have to go without."

That was met with a scowl.

So today, I look hot. I mean, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I spent a long time perfecting the look this morning. I'm not sure what I did, but my eye makeup is fabulous. I look a little bit like a fairy princess...but in a good way, not a 5 year old's interpretation of what a fairy princess looks like. I also picked up some new lingerie (yes, but I bought it. So don't bring up last Thursday.). That man will not be able to keep his hands off me. And thank God for that.

Happy Weekend!

Thursday Thirteen : Oh, and then this one time...

2007-12-05T16:23:00.000-06:00

No real topic today, just Thirteen Things That Popped Into My Head.

1)You know what's a weird word? Fork. (I like Drew Barrymore, ok?)

2)You know when people ask you, "If you could be any animal you wanted..."
What? Why in the world would you want to be an animal in the first place? I for one, have no desire to lick myself and get fur all in my mouth (oh lord, I can just hear the comments on that statement), I don't want to shit in a box of sand, and I don't want to have people aiming their cars at me, should I be out for a leisurely stroll.

3)I could really go for a slice of pizza right now. Hot, melty, greasy goodness....*makes Homer Simpson noise*

4)I haven't had sex with UPS since Thanksgiving and I'm about to lose my mind. I keep having these fantasies where he walks into work and...then....I....Jesus I need to get laid. We'll finally get to be alone Friday night.

5)I sometimes get crushes on fictional characters. Snape in Harry Potter for one, Jack Sparrow for another...With Snape, I had this whole drawn out thing about how I could be the Muggle Studies teacher at Hogwarts and win his heart...It was a kinky sex fantasy thing...I'm a freak, sue me.

6)There's this song out called "Apologize" by Timbaland and One Republic. I love that song. Every time I hear it though, I think of R.E.H., because of his dealings with "The One"...Hmm...guess you'll have to read his blog to know what I'm talking about.

7)Speaking of songs that remind me of people, Collective Soul has a song called "Hollywood" that I sing to annoy UPS. His nickname is Hollywood, so it's fitting. I just change the lyrics to make it gender appropriate.

8)I played clarinet in the band from 6th to 8th grade. My teacher had a scratchy voice that made my eyes water. His wife came into the store yesterday.

9)When I was a wild 'n crazy heathen, I used to get drunk a lot. And I flashed people on a fairly regular basis. Nearly all of my friends have pictures of my boobs. I'm not ashamed of those photos. In fact, I like to show them off and say, "See, this is what they looked like before I had kids..." And that's what they'll look like again one day, after my sugar daddy buys me a new pair.

10)I like Sugar Daddies...Like, the candy. They're pretty good...yeah.

11)You know what's a weird word? Fork. Wait, I already said that...but seriously. Say it over and over again. Also, Llama.

Llama.

Llama llama llama.

12)My boys love the new Hairspray movie. We watch it several times a week. I have a mini-crush on Zac Efron, but only in that movie. Also, Who knew James Marsden could sing and dance? And I didn't think he had range beyond X-Men. Cool. By the way, Michelle Pfieffer should never, ever sing. Ever.

13)I do get to go see Wicked next weekend. I made the plans work. Super excited.

Mkay, so that's what you get when I just sit and let my mind wander.
Happy Thursday!

Haute Pockets and the Date From Hell

2007-12-05T08:56:00.001-06:00

I have this little sandwich maker thing that I LOVE. Love and adore, actually.
Person 1 - "So what are you having for dinner tonight, a roast beef sandwich?"
Me - "No, I'm having bread stuffed with hot melty roast beef and pepper jack cheese."

It's not 'just a sandwich'. It's like, sandwich couture.

Yeah, that was random, sorry. I'm hungry.

So yesterday Cece had a post about a hair dying experience that went...awry. It reminded me of a hair embarrassment I had on a first date once. The first date was terrible, and I thought I'd share it with you.
When I was in the 6th grade, I had a humongous crush on this guy, N, who was an 8th grader. Actually, it was borderline obsession. We had become casually acquainted in some way, and I just thought he was a God. I even remember what he signed in my yearbook that year...But I digress. Fast forward to the summer after my senior year of high school. My best friend is dating his best friend. Well. How about that. He asks them to set us up and I just about died. I was so excited. It was fate, right, that 6 years later he decides he wants to date me?
So it's date day. I want to look super hot of course, so I decided to touch up my hair color. First bad move : Do not try a new hair color the day of a big date. I think it was called Ruby Sunset or something...Anyway, when I finished and dried it and styled it, it looked pretty good. In the sunlight it was more like a flaming beacon. In his car....it was the same color as his interior. Well, we had a little laugh about that, but no big deal. Our first stop on our double date was to play laser tag. This was not something my friend and I would have picked, but the boys chose the first activity. Whatever. While we were laser tagging, some little kid jumped out in front of my friend, she tripped, hit the wall with her face and her nose began to bleed like crazy. Well, that ended the tag.
After 20 minutes in the bathroom she was repaired and we headed to the movies.
The movie was nice and there was the cute little first date hand holding thing going on...Afterward, in the parking lot we were standing around trying to decide where to have dinner. For some reason, N climbed up and was standing in the back of his friend's truck. He was just standing there while we were all talking...then the friend, C, goes and gets in, starts it up and says, "Come on guys, I'm hungry let's figure this out!" N turns around with his back to the tailgate to face C, makes some snarky comment and C puts the truck in gear and hits the gas really quickly. N falls backward out of the truck and smacks his head on the asphalt parking lot.
Imagine three people screaming, "Oh shit!" In unison. I run over to N, and I'm talking to him, trying to keep him awake and he slowly sits up and then lays back down with his head in my lap, bleeding all over me. I'm telling him to lay still, we need to take him to the ER and get him checked out, when he stands up really fast and says, "I'm fine, I'm fine, I just need to sit down." He grabs my hand and C pulls down the tailgate of the truck and N and I sit there together. Suddenly, he's very frisky. He has his hands all over me and is leaning over and kissing my neck and the rest of us are like, Ok, he needs to get to the ER immediately. His eggs were a little scrambled, we definitely weren't to the 'making out in public' part of the date, LOL.
By the time we got to the hospital he couldn't remember anyone's name. He kept asking for me and C, but he was calling us 'The tall pretty girl' and 'The skinny blond guy'. I think I stayed there with him for 4 hours until his parents arrived.(they had been out of town)

That was the end of that relationship. I called and checked up on him once, and then he went back to college two weeks later. We say hi when he's in town and we see each other, but that's it.
How awful. Guess it wasn't fate after all.

Step into Christmas with me....yeah.

2007-12-04T10:02:00.000-06:00

Who has two thumbs and is finished Christmas shopping? This girl.

With one exception. I don't have anything for UPS yet. I know, you all probably expect me to be the gift giving expert after my Thursday Thirteen last week. Wrong-O.

I like to give non-practical gifts. I don't give things like scarves and mittens (unless they're cute and whimsical), I don't give clothing(unless it's a shirt that says something painfully witty or just plain stupid). I give people things like a zippo with Hello Kitty on it, or a book about something they really love (I got my dad the Andy Griffith Show yearbook once. Big hit.) UPS is a very practical, down-to-earth kind of guy. He told me to buy him a new hat. I'm not getting him a freakin' hat.

So, here is what I'm thinking. He loves to fish. I mean, loves. to. fish. He used to travel the country and do bass fishing tournaments. So I found three really nice coffee table books about fishing. I could wrap them in brown paper, tie with raffia and add a couple of lures instead of a bow. Or I thought I could plan a weekend excursion to the lake, rent a cabin and let him fish to his heart's content while I hang out at the spa. If I do this, he'll have to wait until his birthday in January. December cash flow is not so great. Since it would be a big trip and fairly high dollar, I thought it could double as Christmas/Birthday combined.
What do you think? Men, I really need your opinions on this one, ok?

You can also offer up other suggestions as well, I'll take whatever you throw my way.

In an unrelated topic...I got the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie this morning. It's so exciting I almost peed my pants a little. I have not seen it yet, so the antici....pation is killing me. Next week I'm geared up for the 5th Harry Potter movie. Somewhere in there I'll get Superbad as well. I have a movie buying problem. Walmart has a $5 rack and a $7.50 rack. I have a dvd addiction, and this just feeds it. "Oh, sure I need Big Daddy. It's only five bucks...so affordable and not breaking the bank...oh, and while I'm at it, let's get this one...and this one..." Until my bank account is overdrawn and I'm standing in rags outside of someone's house with a shaker of salt over my head (to mimic snow, a la old cartoons, remember?) begging someone to let me in...so I can see what movies they have, then head back to the 'Mart after I get my next paycheck and pick up any good ones I missed last time.

I guess this is residue from my film student days. Maybe I should get UPS some movies...

Let's Play House

2007-12-03T10:07:00.000-06:00

Saturday was a preview of "Life with UPS and Samantha...and their four kids".
UPS's oldest son was in his town's Christmas parade, so my boys and I headed up there to ~~freeze our asses off~~ support him. After the parade we went back to their house and UPS made dinner. And I mean made dinner. Roast, mashed potatoes, the whole nine yards. It was kind of nice, the two of us in the kitchen and the boys destroying things in the other room...I'm fully aware that it was a best case scenario, and that normal day-to-day life with all of the kids together would be insane, but it gave me a little bit of hope. It's all do-able.

Although I don't think my boys and I would be able to move in with them should the whole 'forever' thing happen. It's too much their house, if that makes sense. P (the oldest son) is very territorial and hyper-protective of his stuff. To make it fair, I think all of us would have to have a new start...somewhere new for all of us. Otherwise the transition would be...unpleasant. At best.

Nothing eventful other than that. The wit-switch must be turned off today. I always have a million things I think of to post as I'm driving to work, then I sit down and my mind is so numbed from the monotony of work, that the creative juices cease to flow.
I guess somebody's got a case of the Mondays...

Odd or Random? Yeah, that just about sums me up.

2007-11-30T09:39:00.000-06:00

R.E.H. tagged me.
Seven Random or Odd things about yourself...I think that's the topic.
I'm not tagging anyone b/c I like to spoil the fun (I don't continue chain letters either, so yes, I'M the one who stops the letter that has made it around the world 17 times. )

1)Even though I have a weakness for greasy fast food breakfast, I am one of those weirdies who buys organic and whole grain everything.

2)I can recite the following movies word for word: The Labyrinth, Gidget Goes Hawaiian, Grease, Dirty Dancing, and The 'Burbs. There are more, but these are some of the most ridiculous.

3)Food/drink I love around the holidays: Peppermint bark, eggnogg, and my grandmother's stuffing (Slick, please do not turn that into something dirty, she is 73 years old for crying out loud.)

4)In the 3 months that UPS and I have been together, I have gained 15 pounds. Granted, I was too thin to begin with (the last year has been hard on me), but I'm not liking the fact that my pants are getting a little snug.

5)I have been known to have panic attacks in very crowded places. This can be very embarrassing.

6)I have arthritis in every joint in my body. Seriously. I've known about it since I was 18. I have developed a high pain tolerance. I guess that's what got me through childbirth.

7)Today I get to be room mother for X's preschool class.

Ok, so there's that done and overwith. Now you know even more about yours truly.

In other news...
Yesterday was kind of fun. You remember the Girl Crush Thursday Thirteen I did a few weeks ago where I was accused of posting porn? The same lady emailed me again about yesterday's list and told me I was ungrateful. Apparently some people don't think my humor translates well to type. Clearly by the third time I mentioned the lingerie people knew the list was for fun, right? Guess not. I sure wish she'd post her remarks in comments instead of mailing me through my profile. Then you could all have a laugh with me.
There is this crazy lady in town named Miss Margaret. She is a town legend. She walks the streets screaming "Praise Jesus" and frequently breaks into song. If she manages to get you to stop and talk to her you will discover that she was a nurse, and she sang Battle Hymn of the Republic for Ronald Reagan. Stanza for stanza. And then she will begin to sing it to you. Anyway, UPS man delivers to her. She came in to my work yesterday and asked who the girl was that the UPS man was dating. I said it was me. She then goes on and on about how he speaks very highly of me, and I'm a very lucky girl, etc...Then she asks when we're getting married and can she come and la ti da. Then she made it a point to say, "Now, he's not my boyfriend. We've never gone out together, you don't mind that he stops to talk to me do you?"
LOL!!! This woman went out of her way to come check me out, make sure I was good enough for UPS, then she wants to make sure I know she doesn't have designs on my man. She's 81. I told her I was fine with him talking to her, not to worry.
How funny.

And for the record, I was not injured in any way yesterday. No cat incidents, no tripping and falling...but I did get a cold. I can hardly breathe. This just wasn't my week, was it?
Have a good weekend everyone!

Thursday Thirteen: Bad Santa

2007-11-29T10:55:00.000-06:00

Thirteen things women don't want for Christmas from their man.

1)Kitchen appliances. Yes, I may have expressed an interest in the do-it-all kitchen thingamajig, but opening one on Christmas morning isn't what I had in mind. Kitchen accessories are awesome. Especially if the name "Kitchen-Aid" is involved. But receiving one from my honey as a gift is a no-no. It says, "Make me dinner, bitch" not "I love you, you beautiful creature and all-around best thing in my life".

2)Beauty products. What? Are you saying I'm ugly? Don't straight up buy the products yourself. Now, a nice gift certificate to Sephora is another thing entirely. It says, "Here baby, spend some of my money, not yours, in your very favoritest place." Well, twist my arm...

3)Clothing. You will inevitably buy the wrong size and make me feel fat. If you buy too small I will feel bad that I can't fit into it. If you buy too big, I will think you imagine me as a whale, hippo, or similar.

4)Socks. Have we reached that point? Really?

5)Sexy lingerie. Is that for me? Honestly? You think I pick out black lace and red stilettos for myself, or to make you happy? If I wear it for you, how is it a gift for me?

6)A bottle of wine. You are just trying to get me drunk so I'll put on that damned lingerie....

7)Chocolate. Are you trying to make me fat so I'll fit into that horrific sweater you bought me? And if you want me in the stupid lingerie, you think I'm going to touch that box of Russell Stover's? You are not operating on all cylinders, boy.

8)Stuffed animals. Am I 8 years old? NO. And an 8 year old wouldn't want a stuffed animal anyway. They are so last decade. Now 8 year olds want electronics and cool shoes. Wait, maybe I am 8 years old...Electronics and shoes are always good.

9)A toolbox and/or the tools to go in one. Why do I need my own? That's why I have you, right? Why do you think I break things on purpose? To get you and your tools over to my place so I can watch your hot ass fix my stuff.

10)Mythbusters: The Complete Series on dvd. Yes, I will sit through it with you w/o complaining. Does that mean I want to hang out with Jamie and Adam on my own? Not really.

11)Anything hunting or fishing related. Yes, I've said that if you really, really want me to, I will take the plunge and go with you into the woods or out on the water. This is a stretch for me, I'm not that outdoorsy. But it doesn't mean I need outfitted with the whole shebang, ok? I said I'd do it once, not turn it into my lifestyle.

12)A surround sound system. I gave my exhusband my old one. Because I didn't want it. I don't need a new one. This is something you want for yourself, so put it in your house, not mine.

13)Nothing.
What? You mean I actually want a gift after this wordy knock-down? Yes.

Simple jewelry is nice. A book by my favorite author, or plan a weekend trip or something. I don't need anything fancy, just heartfelt...and I guess if the socks are given from the heart, they're ok.

Cat Fight

2007-11-28T09:05:00.000-06:00

I'm just going to sweep yesterday into the trash bin and forget about it.
I spent the evening in the Urgent Care clinic with doctors trying to decide whether or not to stitch my lip back together.
Last night during dinner, my cat jumps up on the table. Not happening. I scoop him up with one hand and I'm having an eye-to-eye discussion with him on why he should get his fuzzy ass off my table. Well, I guess he didn't feel secure dangling there and began to flail about. His paws and claws flailed directly to my mouth and sliced my face open. My 'No Swearing In Front of the Kids' rule went out the window as I rushed my bleeding self to the bathroom to survey the damage. I nearly passed out. I don't do so well with the blood and the bleeding.
So after a lovely and drawn out trip to the urgent care, I wound up not with stitches, but butterfly bandages and antibiotic ointment. I kind of looked like Hitler, if he wore the mustache to the side...and if he'd lived long enough for the mustache to turn white. It was very sexy, let me tell you.
So today I look like someone knocked the shit out of me. I can't smile, or laugh, or eat...I can barely drink through a straw.

I will count how many times people ask me "What happened?" I will share the number with you tomorrow, along with my Thursday Thirteen, 13 Gifts Women don't Want to Receive From Their Man.

Pissed, mad, angry, livid and etc...

2007-11-27T09:54:00.000-06:00

I plan to rant for a moment, excuse me.
The weekend of 12/15 I am going to St.Louis to see Wicked at the Fox Theatre. I've been looking forward to this for about two months now. ExMIL surprises me the other day by telling me that my Christmas gift from her is my ticket to the show, and that she will keep the kids that entire weekend.
Yesterday she tells me she can't watch the kids b/c that is the weekend she scheduled their auction. (They are selling their business and moving to Oklahoma)
Excuse me? So now what do I do? No sitter means no show. Apparently everyone on the planet decided to be busy that weekend. UPS offered to watch them, but I wouldn't do that to him. It might drive him crazy. His kids are pretty mellow and very self-sufficient. Mine are a little more...active. They really like to climb up on things when I'm not looking, and jump off.

In other news, X's fish died this morning. I hear, "Look mommy! My fish learned to swim upside down!" I'm thinking, Shit. Fabulous. Wonderful. Sure enough, Scorpion (the fish) is floating belly-up in the water. I tell X that the fish died, crying began, etc...L is then curiously asking, "Bubby's fish died? My fish didn't, he's swimmin'. Bubby, where is your fishy?"

"In the trash can," X answers.

Good morning and welcome Tuesday. Dead fish and a kink in my Wicked plans.
I really hope I have a more upbeat post tomorrow.
Hey, what do you think of the orange sparkly snowflakes? Too much? I kind of like them, but may go back to the black and white stars...I feel I should go all Holiday on this place though. Decorations make me happy.
Have a great day everyone!

Look what I got!

2007-11-26T11:58:00.001-06:00

I'd like to thank the Academy, er, I mean, Claudia, for THIS cool little trinket.

It's my first award. I'm displaying it with pride.

Today I will pass the torch and award it to all of my ladies over in the sidebar.

M @ As If You Care

Cece @ Lovin', Laughin', Livin'

Craze @ Crazedreamer's Thoughts

Gypsy @ Strange, Dark Gypsy Girl

Guilty @ Guilty Secret

Honorable mention goes to Lightning Bug's Butt. Sure, he's not a girl, but he was really sad about not getting a pretty pink award.

I did leave off Claudia because she gave the award to me, and therefore has one of her own, and Bottle Blonde because Claudia awarded it to her as well. Although I'd have given it to her for sure.

So that's me sharing the love!

Back to the bump and grind

2007-11-26T09:42:00.000-06:00

My body clock is massively screwed up thanks to the lovely holiday that is now waving to us through the rear view mirror. I'm glad to see that bastard getting smaller and smaller as I drive away too...I had a terrible weekend.

The trip to Arkansas wasn't too bad, if you discount the fact that I woke up nauseous, and my two year old threw up on me during the drive. May I state again that I was already nauseous before we started the trip? So that didn't help matters any. We had fun with the ex-inlaws though, which was nice. (Ex Husband has had basically nothing to do with his family since we separated, so they've adopted me.)

The boys stayed with their grandparents Thursday night, so I went and stayed with UPS. We had a nice night together and spent Friday morning with his youngest son. I met one of the ex-wives. Not to be catty, but wow. He traded up. I'm just sayin'...

Friday night was probably the worst night ever. I was still not over the sick-to-my-stomach feeling from Thursday morning, and after dinner Friday night, it got worse. We went out for drinks with my friends from Memphis, which was ok...sort of. See, it started out ok, but then her husband started hitting on me...and some skank ass fat bitch started pawing all over my man (they were playing pool)and I nearly kicked her ass. Ok, so really, I just sat there and talked really loudly about how she'd better knock it off or I was going to ....well....I don't know, do something. Probably involving violence. My friend's husband was like, "don't worry, he would definitely be trading down again. If I had to choose any other woman in the room, I'd choose you." At which point my friend hits him with her purse and attempts to storm off to the ladies room.
UPS comes back to the table and I tell him that I didn't appreciate him letting that girl be all up on him, and he was like, "what are you talking about?".
Ha. What was I talking about? Really?
In his defense, he wasn't flirting back. I was just drunk and pissed off.
Then, to make it all better, my friends left w/o paying their part of the tab, b/c UPS had made some comment that made them think he was picking it up. Great. So now I'm left looking like I have assholes for friends. When he was in the bathroom, I went and paid, and then he got MAD at me for paying. "I make 4 times as much money as you, and you have two children to raise..." Well, that just made me mad, so we left.
We got home and were all snuggly on the couch when I started to get a little frisky. He shot me down. Excuse me? No one turns me down, ok?
He actually called me a sex crazed maniac. He said it while laughing, but I'm still a little upset by it.
I woke up Saturday sick as can be. And still feeling emotionally out of control.
Sunday same story.
This morning? Still throwing up. Still irrational.
Please God, do not let me be pregnant.
I really think it's just a stomach virus.

I'm so glad the week has started and things can get back to normal. I'll be really, really glad when the holidays are over and UPS gets back to his old non-stressed out self.
Come on, January 1st!

Scandal, deceit and all-out debauchary

2007-11-21T09:47:00.000-06:00

Gossip!

The lady who owns the beauty school next door is having an affair with the rug cleaner! (No, rug cleaner is not a euphemism, that's his actual job.)

When you have this kind of information, what do you do with it? Do you call the wife of the rug man? Or do you just shut your mouth and avert your eyes? When it happened to me, I had a friend tell me about it first. I was grateful. But would rug-wife be grateful, or just pissed? I could do it anonymously.

But really it's none of my business. I feel responsibility though, since I have been-there-gone-through-that.

Sooo...tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
I will be driving to Arkansas with the exInLaws. Trying to think of a way to get them to take the kids and let me stay home...I don't need to eat a turkey. I will be just fine without it.
The good thing about Thanksgiving is that all of my friends will be home for the holiday. And I have the day off on Friday. So even though I'll have my boys, I can have lunch or whatever with my friends. Then Friday night UPS and I are going out with my friend S and her husband who are up from Memphis. Real live social interaction, woohoo!

I hope you all have a great holiday weekend! Eat a lot and don't regret it. It's time to live it up a little boys and girls!

What did you just call me?

2007-11-20T09:51:00.000-06:00

Randomness today folks...

--I hate being called Ma'am. What? Am I 80? I don't think so. It is particularly irritating when the person calling me the dreaded 'm' word is older than me. Clearly much older. Of course it is also irritating when it's some smug little 17 year old. Yeah, you'll think "ma'am" in another few years. Bitch.

--I love fast food breakfast. My favorite things are the breakfast burritos at Sonic (all of them - yum!), biscuits and gravy from McD's, and the Frisco breakfast sandwich and cinnamon raisin biscuits from Hardees.
It's a miracle that I don't weigh 700 pounds.

--I'm super excited to start watching Christmas movies. Jim Carrey's Grinch, Elf, The Santa Clause, A Christmas Story....Of course, I watch Elf all year, so I don't know why I'm excited now. Maybe because they're actually relevant at this time of year?

--Dear Will Ferrell,
When your wife kicks the bucket, I will be right here waiting to pick up the pieces. In the meantime, should the marriage go south before she dies, give me a call. Should Johnny Depp also become available at the same time, and you are ok with sharing me, I'm up for that too.
Love, SK
PS: Seriously.
PPS: I love you.
PPPS: Yes, I am a crazy stalker.

--I don't think anti-aging products are being marketed in the correct way. You see, they should market them to parents of teenagers. There are entirely too many 14 year olds walking around looking like they're older than me. They have bigger boobs and they are wearing a hell of a lot more makeup. So let's slap some anti-aging cream on the little whores and get them looking age appropriate, shall we?
It is shocking how much changed in the relatively short time since I was 14. Shocking and downright frightening, to be honest with you.

Tomorrow I'll probably be posting my Thursday Thirteen, in advance of the holiday. I'll be back in action Friday, with another Confessions post...I just have to think of something to confess. I'm pretty open as it is, lol.

He popped the question.

2007-11-19T09:59:00.000-06:00

We were snuggling on the couch, very lovey-dovey like, watching "I now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry", when he asked.

"How many guys have you slept with?"

I countered with, "How many times have you been married?"

He shut up.

Why do people ask this question? No one really wants to know the answer. No one needs to know how big of a slut I may have been in the past...and I don't want to know how many women have been all up on my man.

But I know what you were thinking when you read the subject line...and that topic actually came up too. He's been hinting around for awhile now. Asking me if I wanted to go to Zales when we were in the mall...talking about needing some extra cash in case he made a high dollar Christmas purchase...and then we were watching some home shopping jewelry channel and there was a 1 carat platinum set engagement ring that came up. He said, "Maybe we should buy it, and try to sell it on ebay. If no one bought it we could send it back...or maybe keep it?"
Because I didn't know what to think of this I just said, "Who buys an engagement ring on eBay?" Just call me the Artful Dodger. I can talk my way out of or around just about anything.
He and his oldest son (he's 8) came with me yesterday to my family's Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone loved him, and P (his son) played with my kids and they all had a rip-roaring time. It was a little overwhelming, but nice. I like thinking of having him around all the time, and how our house would be full of children (we have 4 boys between us)...but I'm scared of losing myself again. I just got myself back, so even if he asked, and I said yes, I'd have to wait at least a year. We haven't been together all that long, really...and he's a serial marry-er. But he has had really, really bad luck with women. I'll dish on that sometime...

Ah, well. I'm just not going to think about it.

Confessions part 1

2007-11-16T09:08:00.000-06:00

Well, it's Friday. You know what that means....nothing really, except I don't have to come into work tomorrow.

I think it's time for me to 'fess up a little. I'm not as cool as you all think I am. I mean, I know you all think I'm just about the most awesome chick around, and for the most part you're right, but I do have some flaws. Fatal flaws.

I like really awful pop music. I have seen the following people in concert: Nsync (3 times), Backstreet Boys, O-Town and Rick Springfield. When I saw Nsync in Memphis, Puff Daddy (or P Diddy or Oops, a Did He? Or whateverthehell he calls himself now)opened for them. That was pretty exciting.
In 2000, I went to this outdoor thing where a bunch of obscure one-hit wonder pop acts performed, and it was awesome. This morning I found a cd single for this song called "You Make Me Love You....More" by a guy named Don Philip. Ever heard of him? I didn't think so. I laughed so hard when I found it, and of course took it to the car to listen to on the way to work. I still remembered every lyric.
Oh, I also loved Hanson and still think that the "This Time Around" album should have won grammys. Grammys I tell you!!

Anyway, I can redeem myself with my love of 'cool' acts like Weezer, Nirvana, and ~~Christina Aguilera~~ Joan Jett...When I was little I wanted everyone to call me Jett Benatar b/c I couldn't decide who I wanted to be more. JJ or Pat Benatar. It's still up in the air.

Do you see how safe I feel? We're in the trust tree in the nest.

Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.

Have a good weekend.

Thursday Thirteen : I Feel Pretty

2007-11-14T13:46:00.000-06:00

Going boring this week, sorry. Thirteen beauty products I use on a daily basis.

1)Philosophy's Purity Made Simple

2)Philosophy's Hope in a Jar

3)Ivory Soap

4)Garnier Fructis Length and Strength Shampoo

5)Garnier Fructis Length and Strength Conditioner

6)Hemp moisturizer

7)Garnier Fructis Leave-In Conditioner for Colored Hair

8)Cover Girl TruBlend Makeup in Ivory

9)Physician's Formula Mineral Concealer

10)Physician's Formula Mineral Veil

11)Sephora Kohl Eyeliner

12)Philosophy's Kiss Me lip gloss

13)Imari Seduction

So there you go. That's what keeps me looking "naturally" beautiful, LOL.

It's not easy being a scream

2007-11-14T10:16:00.000-06:00

Weird is such a relative term. During my everyday day to day, I'm fairly normal. Business casual, nice smile, and a tendency to develop a slight southern accent when trying to charm a customer (which isn't too difficult, really. I mean, I'm just a total doll).

But I do have a few little quirks. For example...If the room is too quiet, I'll turn to someone, nudge them roughly and say, "Hey...Hey! Guess what?" then randomly burst into song. The songs I choose? Oh, they vary. Often I go with "Song 2" by Blur, or "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me" by Dusty Springfield.
I also throw bits of paper at people from time to time. Sometimes skittles...m&ms. Whatever is handy. I try to do this by stealth.
I joke a lot, make situationally inappropriate comments to break the ice, etc...
People come to expect this from me. But some days, I'm just not funny. It's hard to be clever all the damned time, you know?
And then the barrage of questions begins. "What's wrong, SK?" "Are you ok, SK", "Did something happen today, SK"??? Well yes, idiot, something happened. The sun rose and the day began. I just don't want to stand on the counter and dance the Macarena today, is that ok?? IS THAT OK??? (Not that I stand on the counter and dance the Macarena...often.)
Maybe today I just want to sit on the couch and watch the game. Maybe today I just want to eat popcorn straight from the bag and let it fall willy nilly to the ground. Maybe today I just want a goddamned beer and to be left alone.

It's a good thing today isn't one of those kind of days. Gosh, wouldn't that just bring everyone down?

32 flavors and then some

2007-11-13T09:20:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting here picking through a giant bag of gourmet jelly beans. The speckled ones are always the best flavors: buttered popcorn, tiramisu, java, toasted marshmallow, margarita...But do you know what my all-time favorite jellybean flavor is? Licorice. I am very sad b/c I have picked out all the black jellybeans and there are none left. Buttered popcorn is not filling the void.

Have you ever had the urge to post your phone number? Just to see who would call you? This is a huge temptation for me. Not because I'm slightly unbalanced, but because I'm just so curious. I almost feel like conducting a social experiment...Maybe go and buy one of those pre-paid phone things from Wal-Mart...they're pretty much disposable if you run out of minutes, and then it's not my *actual* cel phone number...just my experimental one. Does that make it any safer, though? I'm not sure.
I had an online stalker once. I was 16 and not very internet savvy. I had put up a fake personal ad on Yahoo. It was the chorus to the Pina Colada Song by Rupert Holmes. Yeah, I thought I was damn clever. This guy answered and said it was funny and la ti da...we started emailing. He was 50 something, so I felt like, Oh, he's safe. I tried not to reveal any information, but I guess I didn't do a very good job b/c he sent flowers to my house. He somehow got my address and sent. me. flowers. My mother freaked out and sent him a nasty email and called the police and....you get the picture.
I remember him mailing back and telling me my mother couldn't ruin our love. Love? EW! No way, there was no 'love' ever even remotely implied from my end. Nut job. So that caused a few issues, yeah.

My little sister got herself into a similar situation. She is 13. She had 'met' this 27 year old guy online and she gave him her address and he started sending her things in the mail and then she gave him her mom's cell phone number and he started calling her....I bitched her out good and hard. Sure, UPS is 13 years older than me, but I'm not a kid either. My dad and step mom no longer leave her home alone, it just isn't safe. He could come and take her and .... we don't want to think about that.

And yet people date online. How does EHarmony screen for child molesting creeps? But when you meet someone at the library or in the frozen food aisle....how do you screen them to see if they're a child molesting creep?? Yes, I beat you to the argument.

Sure I want my boys to have a wonderful life and marry for love...but maybe an arranged marriage could lead to love...right?

Deadlines and long lines

2007-11-12T10:23:00.000-06:00

I'm desperately needing to get downstairs and work up an ad....that's due in 45 minutes. But for some reason, we're crazy busy upstairs. Lots of customers. Which is a good thing, but I'm the only person here. In fact, I'm pretty much always the only person here. My boss is gone until Wednesday. Last week was the first week she was here every day since the middle of August. I'm lonely, come pay me a visit.

I think we're busy because we're practically the only place open today. Except for WalMart, but they're always open.

My brother had a great time with UPS man this weekend. They didn't get a deer (well, not when they were together. L went back with his niece and they got one) but they had fun hanging out together. My brother is now as smitten as I am, but in a guy way.
I was talking to L on Saturday night, and he sounded awful. He was sick and feeling crappy. So like the good little girlfriend I am, I go buy him a present. I got him some dayquil, nyquil, advil, kleenex, chicken noodle soup and the movie I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry, and wrapped it up all pretty in a bag with a fancy bow...Sunday morning I call, "Hi babe, how're you feeling this morning?" "Oh, the same" he says. "Well, will you be home this afternoon? I have something for you."
"No, I'm going fishing with so and so this afternoon."

What? A sick person doesn't go fishing. A sick person lays around on the couch and enjoys the present I bought him.

We ended up meeting for lunch and he was very appreciative. I have to say, I like that he goes and does things even while feeling like shit. He says he can't let the cold win. Good attitude to have. But damn it, I was trying to be sweet!

How dare he and his good attitude ruin my gift.

LOL.

Busy busy bee me

2007-11-09T11:42:00.000-06:00

We're having Christmas open house at work this weekend, so no computer time. I am making like Martha Stewart and concocting wreaths and ornaments out of scotch tape and paper clips.

Ok, ok...not really. I'm using actual decorations.

Lee is taking my little brother (he's 15) deer hunting tomorrow morning. Pray that neither one comes home shot.

I will catch up on my blog reading Monday and visit everyone who's stopped by.
Love you all and have a great weekend!

Thursday Thirteen - I'm Ready For My Close Up

2007-11-07T15:22:00.000-06:00

I present, for your consideration, dear audience, Thirteen theatrical roles I would love to play. Film and Stage are included. Some of these are kind of fluffy, but fun.

1)Rizzo in Grease. I talk about this one a lot, so some of you are like, "oooook SK, get on with it already. We know, we know.

2)Mimi in Rent. Because I'm kind of in love with Roger and Mimi gets to sing "Take Me Out". Plus, I think working at a place called the Catscratch Club would be awesome.

3)Maureen in Rent. I mean, who wouldn't want to perform that one woman show of hers? And to be the subject of the Maureen Tango? Come on!
LOL!

4)The Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz. She is one of my all-time favorite characters in fiction and film.

5)Elphie in Wicked. For the same reasons as above. I'd like to play all facets of her character. Hmm...or maybe I just love roles played by Idina Menzel??

6)Snow White. I'm obsessed with Snow White. I have no idea why. I will never give up the dream of moving to Orlando and being Snow White at Disney World...That will also be my rap name, should I ever enter the hip hop scene.

7)Woody in Wild Hogs. Yes, I have seen this movie. Yes, it makes me laugh something stupid. John Travolta totally over acts this part, but it is so. freaking. funny.

8)Penny in Dirty Dancing. Just so I can say, "Go back to your playpen, Baby." I also want to get knocked up by Robbie the Creep.

9)Alex in a Clockwork Orange. This is one of my very favorite movies (and novels) of all time. Go Kubrick, go! Alex is such a dynamic persona. Wow.

10)Rhea Perlman's character in Matilda. The mom? She's so funny.

11)Any of the female characters in Clue.

12)Princess Leia. Rock on.

13)Princess Buttercup from Princess Bride. So I can make out with Cary Elwes of course, and being that stalker chick played by Alicia Silverstone in that one movie is just not an option.

There are more, and definitely meatier, roles I'd love to play, but here's a tasty sample.
Happy Thursday!!

Strep Throat...is what I got. I said remember that...strep throat is..sorry.

2007-11-07T10:18:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I turn into a much less clever, much more attractive, mini version of Weird Al. I get a little carried away, and for that I apologize ;)
But yes, X and I are infected and on antibiotics. Awesome. L hasn't gotten it yet, praise the Lord. Let's hope it stays that way. Two year olds with sore throats are even less fun than 4 year olds with sore throats.
Between the amoxicillan and ibuprofen, I feel like I"m constantly popping pills. Yesterday at work I shook a few advil into my hand to take and a customer looked over at me kind of funny...I looked back at her, shrugged and said, "AZT break." Her eyes got big and she didn't stay very long. Chill out lady. I was just quoting Rent for a laugh, ok?

I've been having strange dreams lately. Weird, graphic sex dreams featuring Chris Daughtry and Channing Tatum .

Chris you probably recognize from American Idol, and Channing has been in movies like She's the Man, Step Up, and A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints (which he got stellar reviews for, btw).Both of these men are attractive, and I would consider myself a casual fan of each, (I mean, come on. They're not exactly Mick Jagger or Johnny Depp, now are they?)but why are they creeping into my dreams at night? I don't own any Daughtry music and I don't sit around having Channing Tatum movie marathons, but two or three nights a week the three of us are having one bang-up time (pun slightly intended, lol) in my subconscious.

Crazy.

I'd blame it on the medication, but it's been going on for two weeks or so now.

I used to be really interested in dream interpretation, tried to make sense of things and what not...I guess I wasn't very good at it b/c I think it's a lot of crap, basically. My dreams are rarely snippets of my day pieced together like a crazy quilt, and the signs and symbols that were supposed to mean whosits or whatsis were never relevant.
At least I'm dreaming about doing hot guys and not like, dancing the Tango with Hitler or something, right??

cough, hack, achoo, and etc...

2007-11-06T09:14:00.000-06:00

YOu know when you're sick and you feel like death would be a welcome blessing? When you feel like no one ever on earth has ever felt as badly as you do? That's where I am today. I"m also at work breathing in paint fumes from this weekend's painting party.
Just once I'd really like someone to take care of me when I'm sick. I haven't gotten that since I was about 10. After that my mom stopped staying home with me if I just had a cold or something. Basically, my needs have been totally neglected for years. When my ex husband got sick, oh my lord. He was such a whiny bitch. Did he ever help when I was sick? Let's give you an example. I was sick with food poisoning, X was 2 and L was not yet one. I did not sleep all night b/c I was in the bathroom puking or otherwise literally, ALL NIGHT LONG. What did he do when the babies woke up? Did he go to them and get them back to sleep? NO. He says to me, "Can't you do it? I"m tired, you keep waking me up." Well I am so fucking sorry that I'm dying here, honey.
I probably should have bolted then, lol.

Fast forward to now when Lee comes to check on me at work yesterday three times, brings me soup and juice and offers to come watch my kids for me so I can sleep.

I'm keeping him.

Thursday Thirteen: Random Things I Love

2007-11-01T09:27:00.000-05:00

This week I am not feeling as creative as usual. So instead I'll just give you a little insight into my psyche with "Thirteen Random Things I Love".

1) Nachos. I loooooooooove nachos. Cheese only or drowning in toppings, from the finest Mexican eatery or the Conoco station on the corner, I will devour them all with mucho gusto.

2)Diet coke. Diet Dr.Pepper is a close second, but nothing compares to my precious diet coke. It is running through my veins instead of blood. No, really. My doctor told me so. I am a medical anomaly.

3)Fake eyelashes. I just discovered this yesterday while wearing my super sparkly Halloween ones. I don't even really need mascara b/c I have freakishly long lashes anyway, but I feel crazy hot in the fancy fake ones. I may whip them out on special occasions...

4)Things with skulls and crossbones on them. Or hearts and crossbones, skulls with heart or star shaped eyes, etc...My current purse is a black tote with a skull and crossbone print, I also have black ballet flats with a similar print, and some with a star and crossbone print. Why? Who knows. I just think it's cute.

5)UPS delivery time. For obvious reasons. I get to make out with my boyfriend at work. I am getting paid to make out. Awesome.

6)Children's clothing that says cute things like, "I'm with the band", "Chick Magnet", and "Not quite house trained".

7)The way a man looks in jeans. Especially the low slung vintage wash ones. Hot.

8)The way a man looks in a well broken in ball cap. Also hot.

9)The veiny underside of a flower petal.

10)The smell of new tires and fresh asphalt. We've covered this before...

11)The New York Yankees, by God. I will never waver. But I do wish George Steinbrenner would fall off of one of those bridges in and around NYC. I mean, they've got plenty of them...

12)When my phone rings, and the caller id gives me good news.

13) YOU! All of you wonderful blogfriends of mine!!

Have a great Thursday everyone!!

Happy Halloween!!

2007-10-31T09:45:00.000-05:00

No channelling of Paris Hilton in my title line today, lol.

So I'm all fairy-ed up today. It's funny, people were looking at me a little strangely when I went into a couple stores this morning. Huh. I guess fairy wings and tiaras aren't the norm. I don't think that's a world I want to live in.

Driving in wings is a bitch though, seriously.

X is Spiderman this year, and he thinks he is the coolest. He did get a little upset this morning on the way to school. "All of my friends will think I'm a fake!" he says. LOL.
Ley is Jack Sparrow. And a cuter, more precious Jack Sparrow you will never, ever find. He is terrified of anyone in a mask, even his brother. That should make for a fun day, since all the daycare kids and teachers are dressed up.

I'm staying home tonight while exMIL is taking the boys trick or treating. Lee's oldest is going trick or treating with his sister, so he's coming to hang out with me and pass out candy. It'll be nice to just sit around and do nothing on a Halloween night.
Hope you all have a great time. Don't run over any trick or treaters!!!

What's up, bitches?

2007-10-30T10:07:00.000-05:00

Check me out, all rejuvenated and stuff.
Wow.

So...the weekend that was...the weekend that was completely wonderful.

I got to spend the whole thing being a grown up, being with my man...and shopping for kids clothes. Wait, what? Yes. We went out of town Saturday and shopped for winter clothes for his kids (We have 4 boys between us. 8, 5, 4, and 2. What am I thinking???)
It was pretty fun actually.
He does have a flaw. He loves to shop. Me? I hate it. I like the mall. I like nice, neat rows with sizes separated out into their own little space. He likes TJ Maxx and rifling through racks and shelves. If he sees the word "Sale", his eyes light up like freakin' Christmas. It wasn't all bad. He did buy me a really nice red, quilted Calvin Klein coat at the mall. So I can put up with the shopping I guess, lol.

The boys survived their weekend. I did have one tearful phone call late Saturday afternoon, but it was ok. I think they ended up spending more time with their grandpa and his girlfriend than with their dad, but that's not so bad. At least I know they are safe and appropriately fed and taken care of when they're with the grandparents.

My boss talked me into dressing up for work tomorrow. Really nothing spectacular. I bought a tiara, fairy wings and sparkly fake eyelashes. I'll get pictures and humiliate myself by posting them next week, lol.
Everyone needs a pair of fairy wings, I have decided.
Take that to heart, ok? Go get yourself a pair.

Tears on my pillow

2007-10-26T15:15:00.000-05:00

Umm, so I got this really nasty email saying my Thursday Thirteen was inappropriate and borderline porn. I'd like to know what kind of porn they been lookin' at. Seriously.
Anyway, to that person : You expect me to apologize or what? Not happening.

The boys' dad is keeping them for the entire weekend. He picked them up from school and just brought them in to work b/c they wanted to say good bye to me. I won't see them again until 9:45 Sunday morning. What will I do??
I mean, I have a pretty good idea of what I'll be doing...I'm driving to Lee's and spending the weekend there. But I've never been w/o my boys for over 24 hours. Except for back in June when he took Leyton and wouldn't give him back. A few of you might remember that nightmare.
I hope I'll enjoy my break and not spend the next two days worried sick.

So be thinking of me this weekend. A prayer or two would be nice, or even just some positive vibes tossed in my general direction.

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Thursday Thirteen: Switch Hit

2007-10-25T09:15:00.000-05:00

This week's topic is 13 pictures of women I have a "girl crush" on. No, I am not a lesbian, I don't swing both ways. Although there was this one time during 11th grade when a game of Spin the Bottle got a little freaky...

1)Carmen Electra.

2)Molly Sims

3)Sarah Silverman

4)Tina Fey

5)Rebecca Romijn

6)Drew Barrymore

7)Lucy Liu

8)Pre-Skank Britney Spears

9)Oprah Winfrey

10)Jenna Fischer

11)Jennifer Aniston

12)Rose McGowan

13)Scarlet Johannson (ignore that little "and the winner" thing in the corner.)

So there you go. Are these chicks girl hot, or guy hot? What I mean is, are women or men more likely to share my taste in hot chicks?
Happy Thursday!

It's the "no time for anything serious today" post!!

2007-10-24T08:58:00.000-05:00

Your Daddy Is Arnold Schwarzenegger

What You Call Him: Pops

Why You Love Him: He takes you to Disneyland

Who's Your Daddy?

You Are Mud Pie

You're the perfect combo of flavor and depth
Those who like you give into their impulses

What Kind of Pie Are You?

Your Life is Rated PG-13

Your life isn't totally scandalous, but you definitely don't shy away from adult themes!

What is Your Life Rated?

What Your Pizza Reveals

You have a hearty appetite. You are likely to complain if a restaurant has small portions.

You consider pizza to be bread... very good bread. You fit in best in the Midwest part of the US.

You like food that's traditional and well crafted. You aren't impressed with "gourmet" foods.

You are generous, outgoing, and considerate with your choices.

You are cultured and intellectual. You should consider traveling to Vienna.

The stereotype that best fits you is geek. You're the type most likely to order pizza to avoid leaving your computer.

What Does Your Pizza Say About You?

Turn me on, I'm a radio

2007-10-23T15:15:00.000-05:00

What is up with me? I don't know if it's phases of the moon, or hormones, or gypsy's TMI Tuesday, or the fact that I'm getting laid on a regular basis, but I have just been all hot and bothered lately.

I was talking about this with a friend of mine the other day, and I made the comment that I could probably get turned on by a toothpick, that's how bad it is.

Then I started thinking...there are some really strange things that turn me on. For example, hot fresh asphalt. I love it. Thinking about the smell of hot oil on the road is driving me crazy. Why? I was dating a guy who did road construction once. Sex in the cab of an asphalt laying machine is tricky, but fun.
Another weird thing is the smell of tires. If you work in a tire shop or an auto parts store in the tire section, look out. I will hit on you, even if you look like Sasquatch stepped on your face. Why? Dated a guy who's dad owned a tire shop. God I loved that back room. You know, Lee's dad owns a tire shop, so I might get to relive that one again.
Maybe I'm just a freak, I don't know. What's something that puts lovin' on your mind that others might find a bit odd?

I've also been thinking a lot about the differences between guy hot and girl hot. My Thursday Thirteen this week is going to be 13 women I have a Girl Crush on. Now, my taste is very...varied. For instance, I have huge girl crushes on Sarah Silverman and Tina Fey. But would I want to get kinky with these women? Not so sure. I'd probably just like to hang out with them and have a good time. Carmen Electra on the other hand, she's very pretty and just trashy enough to make me think I could make out with her.
This is where guy hot vs. girl hot comes into play. I have a feeling more women would say Sarah or Tina were hot than men, and more men would say it about Carmen.

Give me your opinions, people...and have a great day.

Arg, it's f**king cold!

2007-10-22T10:50:00.000-05:00

What the bloody hell happened? Yesterday it was 80 degrees. Today it's not going to crack 70, and tomorrow's high is 54. It's time to move south for the winter. Like, straight-to-hell south, b/c that's the only thing hot enough to warm me up today.

Still dealing with C being a stalker. (For those not on the inside, C is a 42 year old metrosexual I was seeing before falling in luuuuuuvvvvv with my UPS boyfriend.)
I saw him drive by my house twice last week. He lives nowhere near me, he has no reason to be driving down my street. He will park outside of work so he has to walk by and I'll see him, he waits around for me on Wednesdays at the boys' daycare (his girls go to the after school program there. The daycare and preschool is at a church, and they have grade K-8 kids there Wednesdays after school.)
I don't suppose there's anything I can do about it except sit around being annoyed and creeped out.

L and I went to see Sleepy Hollow Saturday night. It was, as I predicted, fabulously terrible. It had it's moments...There's just something lacking when the big, strong character of Brom Bones opens his mouth and he has a voice that sounds like he's been kicked in the nuts a few times before walking onstage.
After that we went to a party where I met some scary redneck people (wahoo!), then we left and went to a bar to have a few drinks and make fun of the karaoke singers(wahoo!). It was so great, so steretypical movie karaoke. Complete with the scrawny nerd warbling "Wildfire" and the overweight guy in glasses gyrating and belting out, "I like my women just a little on the trashy side..."

I woke up the next day covered in mystery bruises, so it must have been a successful evening.

It's the freakin' weekend baby, I'm about to have me some fun

2007-10-19T10:09:00.000-05:00

(can you name what song that is from???)

What to do this weekend, what to do?
I was hanging around eating M&Ms, doing a little retail therapy, and thought maybe I'd hit the club, try out the latest dance craze....You know, do a little lovin, laughin, and livin. But then I envisioned myself in a room full of bottle blondes...So I decided to visit this gypsy and have my fortune read. She told me I'd meet a slick, smooth operator...and I did! So I let him chat me up for a bit. Too bad. Turns out he's nothing more than a cynical bastard. Oh well, maybe I'll get lucky next time. For now, just pass me a diet coke.

Actually, my real plans are to do a big fat lot of nothing tonight, and tomorrow L and I are going to see a community production of Sleepy Hollow. Should be fabulously terrible, I can't wait. We might also do the haunted corn maze thing, we'll see. I'm afraid I'll have a panic attack from the small area and all the people. I don't deal well with large crowds of people in small spaces. No, no, no. He's trying to get one of his friends and his wife to go out with us too. This is fine, except for one small thing. The couple is having marriage trouble, the "D" word has been tossed around a lot. Now, Lee thinks that if they spend more time out and about together with a happy couple (read, me and him) they'll be able to work things out. Ok, that's sweet and all, but if they bicker and fight all night, that's going to bring me down.

Anyway, I hope you all have a great weekend!!

You Are a Margarita

You aren't just the life of the party, you are the party!
You mix a good drink, bust out some great music, and know how to get down.

What Mixed Drink Are You?

Thursday Thirteen: Linear Linking Thinking

2007-10-17T15:03:00.000-05:00

Songs...One song that reminds me of...oh wait, and then there's...til I got to 13.
I should get an award for this one, ladies and gentlemen. This was work! But fun work all the same. So the first word from each subsequent song is the last word from the previous lyric. Make sense? Enjoy!

1)"Oh I....I just died in your arms tonight. Musta been some kinda..."

2)"...kiss you all over. And over again. I..."

3)"Wanna make a brother beg for it, Gimme TLC cause you know I be too proud. We can do it in the White House, try an' make 'em turn the lights out..."

4"...Champagne Supernova in the skyyyy. Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye. Slowly walking down the hall Faster than a cannon ball. Where were you when we were getting..."

5)..."High School never ends. The whole damn world is just as obsessed
With who's the best dressed and who's having sex, Who's got the money, who gets the honeys, Who's kinda cute and who's just a mess. And I still don't have the right look, And I still have the same three friends And I'm pretty much the same as I was back then. High School..."

6)"...Never ending storyyyyyy. Reach the stars, fly a..."

7)"...fantasy baby. When I close my eyes you come and you take me, on and on and on. So deep in my daydreams, but it's just a sweet, sweet fantasy..."

8)"...baby got back. LA face with an Oakland booty. Baby got back. I like 'em round, and big, and when I'm throwin' a gig I just can't help myself. I'm actin' like an animal. Now here's my scandal: I wanna get you..."

9)"...Home...to the place where I belong. Where your love has always been enough for me. Not running from, no I think..."

10)"...you really got me now. You got me so I can't sleep at night. You really got me. You really got me. You really got me. See? Don't ever set me free. I always wanna be...

11)"...by your side, by your side baby. Oh, when you're cold I'll be there, hold you tight, baby. Oh, when you're..."

12)"...low? Have you ever had a friend that let you down so? When the truth came out, were you the last to know? Were you left out in..."

13)"...the cold November rain. Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone. Everybody needs some time...on their own. Don't you know you need some time...all alone...

Here's the song rundown for those of you who don't recognize the lyrics.
1)I just died in your arms tonight by cutting crew
2)I wanna kiss you all over by Exile
3)What's your Fantasy by Ludacris
4)Champagne Supernova by Oasis
5)High School Never Ends by Bowling for Soup
6)Neverending Story theme song
7)Fantasy by Mariah Carey
8)Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-Lot
9)Home by Daughtry
10)You Really Got Me by The Cure
11)By Your Side by Sade
12)Low by Kelly Clarkson
13)November Rain by Guns 'n Roses

I see my reflection in the window, it looks different, so different than what you see

2007-10-17T11:42:00.000-05:00

(name that tune, get a prize)

One of the best parts of my job is people watching. We're located just off the town square, which is considered Historic Downtown. We're surrounded by antique stores, boutiques, coffee shops, etc...Not to mention the beauty school next door and the pawn shop one storefront up from that.
The front of our store is all windows. A huge wall of glass, basically. So I can see everything that goes on, everyone who walks by. There are several assisted living homes around this area, so the residents stroll the square all day, every day. The book store across the street gives me a myriad of entertainment options. We have the sci-fi nerds (no, you're not automatically a nerd for liking sci-fi, I'm just sayin' these people are. Big time.), the college professors, the college students, the everyman/woman...
Things I have witnessed this morning : A woman leaving her 3ish year old daughter in charge of the baby in the stroller outside on the sidewalk while she went into a store; a man wearing gray sweatpants and a gray sweatshirt with cowboy boots and a cowboy hat; Two mildly handicapped girls holding hands and skipping across the street; A gang of goth-babies, obviously skipping school; And an old lady screaming "Praise Jesus, praise the Lord! Raise your voice in worship!" She's a legend in this town. Everyone knows her by name. She often breaks into song as well.
It's like reality tv, only better...because it's actual reality.
So I just sit here and judge them, or laugh at them, or smile at them...But I wonder what they're thinking of me?

Sometimes I forget they can see me just as clearly as I see them.

wow, my mood is reflecting in my quiz results, LOL

2007-10-16T13:56:00.000-05:00

You Are 44% Good

You are a fairly good person. You strive to live a moral life whenever possible.
You are usually kind, generous, and loyal. However, you do have a dark side that even you may not see.
When it comes down to ethical decisions, you tend to take the path of least resistance.
So you may end up lying, cheating, or engaging in other bad behavior... because it's just easier to do so.

You are also probably: Conflicted and confused about the current course of your life

Right now you are on track to being: A slightly crooked politician

To be a better person: Break one bad habit - whether it's telling white lies or spending too much money.

How Good Are You?

You Are a Werewolf

You're unpredictable, moody, and downright freaky.
You seem sweet and harmless, until you snap. Then you're a total monster.
Very few people can predict if you're going to be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde.
But for you, all your transformations seem perfectly natural.

Your greatest power: Your ability to tap into nature

Your greatest weakness: Lack of self control

You play well with: Vampires

What Kind of Monster Are You?

My brain hurts.

2007-10-16T10:48:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like you're just taking in way too much information? Like, people just keep talking and talking to you until you just can't process it anymore?
I have been very cranky and out of sorts lately. I almost feel like I'm sabotaging myself, if that makes sense. Take L for instance. He's great, amazing, wonderful...human perfection, basically. And when I'm with him, I'm all fluttery and lovey, blahblahblah...but sometimes when I sit around and think about him, I almost hate him. Yeah, that doesn't make sense, does it? Why does he have to be so great? Why do I want to be around him all of the time??? I guess I'm just a control freak, and I'm emotional on top of that. So not feeling in control of my emotions is driving me crazy.
I also feel like I'm at the mental breaking point...for going too long without any real time to myself. I haven't had any "me" time in so long...I can't even remember! It's been over a year, I know that. Probably before X was born, so 4 years. I was reading Craze's last post, and got depressed, because I don't even know how to survive in silence anymore. I don't know how to relax, I don't know how to slow down, even for a second. I have this terrible need to be all things to all people, and I'm starting to realize that maybe there isn't enough of me to go around.

It's a good thing that realizing you have a problem is the first step to recovery...That means I've got a fighting chance at fixing the issue.
Hmmm...think I'll find a quiz or meme to lighten this place up later today...

I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me

2007-10-15T10:29:00.000-05:00

Two weeks from now is Red Ribbon Week. It's an anti-drug/drinking thing. Last week the high school assistant principal called to see if we could get any posters or anything for it. So I looked around online and found some freebies. Then I found some with the Happy Bunny on them, and she took those. Today the freebies came in the mail, and in the package was this little list of prescription drugs with the potential for abuse. Wow, this thing would be a goldmine for someone trying to figure out which drugs are "best". It makes poppin' pills sound like a regular blast. Who wouldn't want to experience "unusual excitement","feelings of exhilaration", or "increased mental alertness"?? Gimme some of those!
Although there are a few downsides like,"urinary retention", "gastrointestinal disturbances", and "coma".
Ah, who cares? I might not be able to pee for a week, but I'd be exhilarated and mentally alert!

Things like this make me realize how backwards some forms of education are. This poster is just telling kids, "Hey, here's how to have a good time."
I used to have severe eating disorders. I'd go for days and days at a time without eating anything more than a grape, and then if I ate the grape, I'd throw it back up. I lived on diet coke, coffee, and powerade. All the treatments or counselling did was give me new ideas on how to do it better.
I do eating-disorder counselling now, and I am so careful never, ever to share the "tricks" I used and how I pulled the whole thing off. What I do share is how awful I felt, how crappy I looked, and how annoying it is to (now) be healthy and still have people following you around trying to shove food down your throat. Everyday about 5 people ask me what I've eaten, am I eating, etc...

So later today, when I'm inhaling my favorite nail polish, I'll be sure not to write down how I get all dizzy and giddy from it, but I'll tell everyone how it gives me a migraine and makes me puke for three days.

I iz postin dis for da weekind...

2007-10-12T16:29:00.000-05:00

Ok, the freakin' LOLcats are murdering me. Murdering me I say. I will die from laughing in 3...2...1...
Oh, umm..this is embarrassing...still alive...
Anyway, I'm jumping on the bandwagon and posting some kitteh pictures. The latest kick in the pants was given to me by Miss Doxie. She posted some, so I will too! I'm a follower!!

Do me! Do me, delivery man!

2007-10-12T10:01:00.000-05:00

I've decided this must be the vibe I'm giving out.
My gay mailman (Gaymail, for those that remember the cute little nickname I gave him.) is, in fact, not gay. He ~~tried to grab my ass~~ hit on me today! Apparently I am just way too friendly and give off the wrong signals...And he was doing a really good job of faking b/c I called Pink Shoes (the gay guy who used to be at the beauty school next door, who had a crush on Gaymail)afterward, and he was genuinely shocked. And he's in the know!
But when he's trying to grope me and saying, "I really love having lunch with you, we should maybe try getting together at night", with a verrrry suggestive expression on his face...
My life is a freakin' soap opera!
Last night however, it was very normal, very mom-ish. I spent an hour and a half sewing feathers to X's overalls for the parade today. Then I spent another 45 minutes stabbing holes into a Folger's coffee container and threading a heavy piece of twine through it (for a handle) to make it look like a paint can...and then I glued feathers all over it. Let me just say, Martha Stewart, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. I stabbed myself with a needle 15 damn times and nearly cut my hand off using the big kitchen knife to make holes in the coffee container. Then end result was actually pretty cute, but getting there was very difficult. Lends a whole new meaning to blood, sweat, and tears...Yes, all three were involved, and all three belonged to me.
And today I feel awful b/c I'm like, the only parent who won't be with their kid at the parade (how is it I'm the only preschool mom that has a JOB??), and to make it even worse, I forgot the camera so I can't take pictures as he walks by. (my store is on the parade route.) I can just imagine what they're all thinking, "Oh, of course, SK won't be here...Single, 25 year old mom...too busy with her job...too busy screwing the UPS guy and rejecting advances from her mailman..."
It. Makes. Me. Want. To. Screeeeaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmm.
If I were ugly or married, life would be so much easier.
I really wish sarcasm translated better to type...
LOL.

2007-10-10T10:24:00.000-05:00

It's Thursday, so here's Thirteen

2007-10-09T14:00:00.000-05:00

In an effort to expand everyone's horizons just a bit, I'm offering you this week's Thursday Thirteen. Thirteen quotes from the movie "Clue". One of my all time favorite films, it has such an amazing collection of comic geniuses playing the roles of our favorite board game characters. Enjoy, and watch the movie if you haven't seen it!!

---------------------------

1)Mrs. White: Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her so much! It, it, the, it, flames, flames, flames . . . on the side of my face. Breathing, breathless, heaving breaths, heaving . . .

2)Mrs. White: Husbands should be like Kleenex--soft, strong, and disposable.

3)Miss Scarlet: Why is the car stopped?
Prof. Plum: It's frightened.

4)Wadsworth: Frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a damn.

5)Wadsworth: It's like the Mounties: "We always get our man."
Mr. Green: Mrs. Peacock was a man?

6)Col. Mustard: How did you know that?
Wadsworth: Can you keep a secret?
Col. Mustard: Yes.
Wadsworth: So can I.

7)Mr. Green: I was going to expose you.
Wadsworth: I know, so I choose to expose myself.
Col. Mustard: Please, there are ladies present

8)Col. Mustard: Just checking.
Mrs. White: Everything alright?
Col. Mustard: Yep. Two corpses, everything's fine.

9)Col. Mustard: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir.

10)Chief: Good evening, have you ever given any thought to the Kingdom of Heaven?
Mrs. Peacock: What?
Chief: Repent. The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.
Miss Scarlet: You ain't just whistling Dixie.
Chief: Armageddon is almost upon us.
Prof. Plum: I got news for you: it's already here.

11)Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.
Prof. Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
Wadsworth: So, your work has not changed.

12)Col. Mustard: Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?
Wadsworth: I don't know. He's on everyone else's, why shouldn't he be on mine?

13)Mr. Green: If he was such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities?
Wadsworth: He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money out of it. What could be more American than that?

God bless Joe Torre

2007-10-09T11:24:00.000-05:00

It's hard being a Yankees fan. It's hard when you love a team so much that you cry because the dickhead owner is getting rid of one of the best managers in all of sports. And definitely the one with the most class. And now so many of my favorites that have been in the organization for so long are on the line...and who could blame them for wanting to leave? At least I know Derek Jeter isn't going anywhere. He's a miracle. That man will die in pinstripes.

Come to St.Louis, Joe Torre. I would never miss a game with you in the dugout. I'd buy season tickets for the rest of my life if I knew you'd be guiding the Cardinals. And you can bet they'd schedule some inter-league play if you were in STL and LaRussa went to New York.

Sorry there's no humor today. No wit, no goings on of the love life...
I'm in mourning, I am sad, I am a sports nerd.

Will Ferrell, hot sex, and too many babies

2007-10-08T10:19:00.000-05:00

So that was my weekend, how was yours?

Saturday was fairly uneventful. I took the boys to story time at the library and we had a good day. Then around 5 they left for their adventure with GG (that's what they call exMIL), Papa, and uncle JC. What to do, what to do? L was not finished with his golf tournament.
It's strange when you don't know what to do in a silent house. I am so used to constant noise and chaos...I need to learn to relax, instead of letting the quiet make me nervous.

Around 7ish I started the drive to L's house (he lives about 20 minutes away). Because I am a sweetheart, and I knew he'd be tired and probably a little drunk after playing golf in the hot sun all day, I brought him food and more liquor (ok, so that was mostly for me...)and we stayed in all night. And that man really is all ate up in love with me, b/c we watched "Blades of Glory", and he let me gush over Will Ferrell (aka, my one true love.)all night with no complaints.
We went outside on the back deck and were mesmerized by the stars. He lives out in the middle of nowhere and the sky is so open and I swear, I have never seen the stars like that before. Last night on my own porch was really a let down.
Anyway, if you've never made love in the grass under the stars, you are seriously missing out. My previous experiences with outdoor lovin' were not quite so romantic. I'm not sure I know how to deal with all of this romance, actually. It's quite overwhelming, and isn't it sad that it freaks me out a little? Why is it making me uncomfortable? Am I not worth being treated like royalty for once?? I need to work on my self-esteem/self-worth issues, don't I?
Last night I had the nursery at church (yes, your foul-mouthed, drinksalot friend was in charge of the nursery at church. Try not to pass out or anything.) and I had two babies under 10 months, one not-quite-two year old, 2 actual two year olds (one was Leyton, my own), and X (who is 4). I was about to lose my freaking mind. Somehow I pulled through...And it really made me think. I'm glad L and I have kids already. I have 2, he has 2...great. That means there is no weird baby-pressure in our relationship. You know what I mean? When you're in a relationship with someone and for some reason you have the, "is this the person I'm going to end up with?" question running through your mind, which then turns into the, "if so, when will be have babies?" question. L and I have no baby pressure. We can just enjoy one another. And I have to say, it's really nice to just be with someone with no pressure or expectations whatsoever. I mean, it is totally terrifying to be this open and all-in with someone...I laid it out on the line Saturday night. I told him why I'm afraid of this love thing, that marriage makes me feel like death has it's cold, long-clawed hands around my heart, etc...but it's also a relief. And he was so great about it, too. He said, "So when I tell you how in love with you I am, are you going to run out of the house screaming?"
"It's a possibility, so you may want to take precautions," I answered. He stares at me for a minute, gets up, locks the door, comes back, sits on top of me and says, "I am so, so in love with you." and kisses me. And do you know what Little Miss Freak Out did?

I said it back.
I even meant it.

Aww...he luuuuvvvvvvvvvvs me

2007-10-05T11:48:00.000-05:00

He said it. The big "L" word.
We were on the phone last night, and I said something particularly hilarious. Through his gales of laughter he said, "And that is exactly why I love you."
Dead air. Then in a softer voice, "Hey, and I really mean that."

I didn't throw up or anything. I didn't even say, "Umm...thanks?" in an awkward way and then quickly hang up. Actually I said, "Yeah, well, you're all right too....I guess."
More laughter followed.
It was really just too, too romantic for words.
lol.

We're trying to decide what to do tomorrow night. Go out? Stay home?
I suggested going to The Monster Corn Maze. It's this corn maze thing (no, really?)where the people dress up in scary costumes and leap out at you. Probably incredibly ridiculous...but the fact that it's a maze made in a corn field is enough to scare me. Have you seen Children of the Corn? It's terrifying. Anyway, if you want a laugh, check out the rules.
No throwing of the corn. You got that?

Actually, I'm in a very lazy sort of mood. Maybe we'll just lay in bed,watch stupid movies and eat junk all night. That sounds more appealing by the second.

Who knows, now that we're in love and all, maybe we'll do something special. He's always coming up with ideas. I wonder how long that will last?

Thursday Thirteen, Ya'll

2007-10-04T10:06:00.000-05:00

Today's Topic: 13 Themed Parties I'd love to attend.

1)White Trash-O-Rama. Oh, wait...that's just Saturday night.

2)A masquerade ball. Just like in the movie "The Labyrinth" when Sarah is dressed in the big fluffy white dress and The Goblin King(David Bowie! Be still my beating heart!) is singing, and everyone is wearing the masks...

3)Rocky Horror Picture Show. I have always, ALWAYS wanted to go to one of the midnight movie showings in Kansas City and dress up...Would I be Janet or Magenta??? I'll go twice.

4)The Jimmy Buffet Buffet. Just think of it. There'd be parrots everywhere, guys could draw on a pencil thin mustache, we'd be drinking margaritas and eating cheeseburgers in paradise...Then we'd all get drunk and screw.

5)An office party. No, this isn't really a theme, but I have never been to an office party. Probably b/c I've never worked in an office...Maybe, it could be just like the Christmas party on The Office. Ok, that's the theme.

6)Musical Theatre. No speaking all night. You can only converse in song. Yes.

7)The 'bring your pillow and take a nap party'. Because, let's face it, we all get tired sometimes.

8)The 'I literally just rolled out of bed' party. Really, this one is the after-party for #7. It'll be a rockin' time, I swear. Irish coffee, breath mints, perfection.

9)The black, white, and red all over ball. I keep trying to pitch this one to the library for a fundraiser. Everyone would be required to dress in black, white, or red. I would love to organize that...

10)A clam-bake on the beach. Totally Elvis, totally Frankie and Annette.

11)One of P Diddy's bday parties. The cristal is poppin', the hennesey is flowin'...

12)Shaun of the Dead. Where you can only talk in movie quotes, but you can never say the zed word...

13)The 'Samantha is the coolest person in the whole wide world' party...but really, I attend that everyday. Teehee.

A little ice would be nice...

2007-10-03T11:34:00.000-05:00

Uh,oh. It's happening. The glassy eyed stare at the engagement rings in the jewelry store window.
No, no, no...I don't really want to get married...but wouldn't it be so much fun to lug a crazy sparkler around?
The jewelry store had a new display out and I stopped and stared as I walked by on my way to work this morning. The sun must have been hitting them just right b/c I could not avoid the magnetic pull of the pretty, pretty diamonds.

I'm like a squirrel.

So then I got to daydreaming about L, and thinking how wonderful he is, and that he is definitely marriage material...but then I remembered that marriage scares the crap out of me now. It's kind of funny...in past relationships, this is when I'd bolt. If anyone even hinted at forever, this bitch would be gettin' the heck out of Dodge.
My philosophy up til now has been, "make sure he loves you more". And up until last year, that worked fine. I got to be adored and worshipped, and when I got tired of it I just got out. I only became emotionally involved (to where I was sad about the ending of the relationship) about a handful of times. Unfortunately, with my marriage, the emotions involved were mine about the kids. I wanted them to have this great family, with the parents who stayed together and the mom who had all the neighborhood kids running in and out all day long...Part of it can still be true. My marriage would have been a lot better if I'd been more in love and hadn't taken for granted the fact that it had a lifetime guarantee. Nothing has a lifetime guarantee, not even those products on tv that say they do. How long do you really think some of those businesses will stay in operation? I was so willing to paste on a smile and pretend to be supremely happy even though I wasn't. It took my husband leaving for me to realize I was so miserable. When it happened I was just so panic stricken. How will I ever survive on my own? I had no job and no income of my own AT ALL, and suddenly I have to raise 2 boys alone.
And now in the aftermath, I am happier and more stable than I have ever been before. And I did it All. By. Myself.

So back to today and the flashy diamonds in the window...
Maybe I'm thinking getting married again someday isn't such a bad thing. But it would have to be a long way in the future.
I had a little fun and looked online for some pretties, and here are my favorites:

I will never again want a diamond solitaire. Been there, done that, pawned it to pay for a lawyer.
The wedding bands my ex and I had were my great-grandparents' wedding rings...it's such a shame that they went to waste. I can't exactly use them again, can I?? LOL. Try to imagine me pitching that idea to someone.
"Well, they worked for my great-grandparents, failed me in my first marriage, but they're really pretty so let's try 'em again!"
I'm sure I'd be met with a resounding 'no!'.

So Samantha is off visiting fantasyland today...and enjoying every minute of it. It's kind of nice to think about forever in a calm, rational way...without vomiting.

AAah! Woah, the new stuff scared me there for a second...

2007-10-02T11:24:00.000-05:00

How's ya like the temporary makeover?

I have a secret...

2007-10-02T10:38:00.000-05:00

...that I have been hiding from you for nearly a month.
My superhot and completely delicious boyfriend? He's bald. Yep. There. I said it. He always, and I mean *always*, wears a hat when out in public, and women literally turn around and stare openly at him. It's the tan, the arms he got from carrying boxes all over the place, not to mention the pretty face. I feel slightly jealous on occasion, but mostly wear a look of, "That's right, bitch. He's mine".
But he's bald.

It doesn't bother me. In fact, I find it endearing (there actually is a physical flaw!). But he's a little insecure about it, therefore, the hat. I keep telling him if he'd just cut the rest of his hair very short, it wouldn't be that bad...but he is desperately clinging to the hope that it will magically grow back one day. Sorry sweet thang, but you're 38. Good luck with that.
Perhaps I am merely 25 year old arm candy to take his mind off the inching back of the hairline..."I might not have hair, but I have a hot ass girlfriend."

I'm cool with that.

This is my 200th post...My palms are sweating, tension headache building...Oh, the pressure!!

2007-10-01T10:08:00.000-05:00

Ok, this isn't going to be anything special, sorry.

So this weekend was the **80's Party**. I have to say, I did look pretty fabulous. I destroyed a perfectly harmless gray sweatshirt into an off the shoulder dream-come-true, ratted my hair into a magnificent side ponytail, and had some of the best eye makeup ever witnessed on planet earth. I won all three games because I kick ass, basically. (we did "name that theme song", "how well do you know the birthday girl", and "I'ma stick a card on your back w/an 80s pop icon's name on it and you have to guess who you are") I even came in top 5 in the costume contest. The winner was the b-day girl's sister, and boy did she ever deserve it. Tight rolled acid wash jeans, scrunch socks with white high heels, a denim jacket with cutouts and bows on the back, blue eyeshadow, frosty pink lipstick and CRIMPED HAIR. How the heck did she find a crimping iron?? She looked amazing.

I was having a pretty good night and then I came home, put the kids to bed and watched the movie, "The Last Kiss." What a mood killer, oh my Lord. I mean, here I am happy as a freaking clam in my relationship with L, and I go and watch this movie. It was so depressing. And why do I always relate to the MEN in the bad relationships?? In movie terms it was actually very good, kept you watching...as far as watching it while hormonal and PMS-ing like a freight train, umm...maybe you don't wanna pick this one up, ok?

Sunday was *cue scary music*....L's family barbecue. I got to his house and I met his kids (cute, cute, cute, OMG. I have to be careful that I'm falling in love with HIM, and not them, b/c they are great.) and we all 4 piled into his truck to go to the picnic...where I met his dad, stepmom, brother, sister-in-law, sister, brother-in-law and about 58 nieces and nephews. Yeah, not overwhelming AT ALL. They're all kind of quiet, so here I was trying to be Chatty Cathy and seem friendly...luckily his SIL was pregnant, so that gave us something to talk about. I really loved watching L interact with them. His brother is just like him, so funny and quick to laugh. He's an amazing dad, and I could tell by the way his boys looked at him that he wasn't just putting on an act for me. He'll play with them and do anything they ask, and he's not afraid to look like an idiot. That's good. That's how I roll (ha! always wanted to say that. It makes me think of Jack Black in Anchorman).

L is on vacation from work this week which means I won't get my 3 daily visits, my candy, flowers or cookies everyday (damn!), but I could get an entire lunch out of it instead, so yeehaw. We have also tossed around the idea of going to Memphis this weekend. Wow, a weekend getaway. What will I do with an entire weekend with no children clamoring for my attention?? Have sex. Lots and lots of it.

How random can I get? Let's see then, shall we?

2007-09-28T14:44:00.000-05:00

Things I've always wanted to say/wish I could get away with saying in everyday conversation.

I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Sure, this isn't original or anything, and nobody even laughs at it any more...but boy, wouldn't it be great if just once you could say it and someone would go all big-eyed and ask, "Really?"

Don't hate the playa, hate the game. Doesn't this just sound like it would be fun to say? Alas, since I'm not a playa, guess I don't have any game to hate on.

Chris Hansen is such a cock block. In case you don't know, Chris Hansen is the host guy of that "To Catch a Predator" show...Now you see why this comment is horribly, horribly offensive? I'd really like to say it just to piss someone off.

Seacrest...out! Yeah, ok, call me lame, but I really think this is a cool little catch phrase.

What up, dawg? I have actually used this one. However, coming from me it did not sound cool...it sounded freaking retarded and several people issued loud snorts to cover their laughs. Motherf***ers! I'll pop a cap in they ass....

-----------
Arg! Am suffering horribly from PMS...which Pretty Much Sucks if you ask me. (Like the acronym? Figured it out all by my clever little self.)
Feeling ridiculous and crazy and cranky and I swear I have eaten everything that wasn't flipping nailed down today. Just call me an American Fat Ass (Thank you , Kid Rock).
We've decided on a theme for the new business building. It's pretty lofty...we're going to transform this place into Alice in Wonderland. We're doing big forest murals on the walls (think huge mushrooms, flowers, etc...) and I came up with the idea to cloud the ceiling with green gauzy material and string white Christmas lights in it to look all twinkly and intimate....So excited. I do tend to run a little wild with these kinds of ideas, so I hope someone reigns me in, otherwise I'll spend our entire operating budget on decor...And she actually wants me to buy half the business....

OK, since it's the weekend and I'll be away til Monday (with details of meeting L's fam, of course.)I'll leave you with another list. This one is....
Things I've never done, but really want to:
Johnny Depp

Go through a haunted house or corn maze thing at Halloween.

Johnny Depp

Sing in a band.

Star in a Tim Burton film....with Johnny Depp.

Play Rizzo in a production of Grease.

and finally.....

Johnny Depp.

There you go, folks! Have a great weekend!!

I've been invaded

2007-09-27T15:46:00.000-05:00

--Now I know how people feel when my friends and I walk into a store and we act like idiots. There are three first-year teachers in here right now...kids who graduated like, two years or more after I did. Doing Dana Carvey impressions (how do they even know Dana Carvey? Really.) and picking stuff up and saying, "I love this!" and "Dude, this is neat!" What I'm really thinking is that it's two gay guys and a fag hag.
Cuh-ray-zee. Ok, so maybe they were a little bit fun and completely enjoyable.

--Have developed new habit of giving Fed Ex drivers dirty looks.

--Am thinking that Gaymail might be faking the gay to pick up chicks...has stopped being FABULOUS around me, and now comes in and winks as he calls me "Pretty Lady". Also, he is trying to make lunch dates more frequently.

--Planning to attend a family barbecue thing with L on Sunday (his family). Am debating as to whether or not to bring the children. I'll be meeting both of his that day, so maybe I'll add mine to the mix at a later time...Feeling nervous about him meeting my boys b/c they get attached to ppl very quickly. Feeling VERY nervous about being thrown into this all-family situation. May vomit.

--Took the boys to see the Budweiser Clydesdales on Saturday. They were in town for some reason or another. X went right up to the thing and petted it...L(kid L, not boyfriend L) clung to me like a baby koala and was screaming, "Noooooo Cow! Noooooo Cow!" But I guess he was regretting not touching it b/c every day since he's woken up and the first thing out of his mouth is always, "I want to pet the cow." So now I guess I'll be taking them to L's dad's farm to see a cow and pet a horse. Really not sure why he gets those mixed up sometimes...

--Just saw a girl wearing pink pants covered in blue flames. Am setting up emergency fashion fund for victims of bad clothing. Call if you'd like to donate.

--Funny...when I spellchecked this, Clydesdales came up...know what the alternate word for it was? Gladstones. What??

Help me out here, people

2007-09-21T12:33:00.000-05:00

This post is about L-O-V-E.
What is your opinion on love?
I try to think back about how many times I've actually been "in love". If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say maybe three times. More like two. Maybe even just once...and none were my ex husband. The first and the one I'm in the most doubt about was the boyfriend I had my senior year in high school. His name is J. I was nominated for homecoming queen and wanted to shake things up, so I chose J to be my escort. Very alternative to my vanilla. Eyeliner, black wardrobe, drugs and alcohol...everything I wasn't...except for the eyeliner, lol. We were together for nearly a year. He was beautiful and brilliant but he just had so many problems. I tried to "fix" him, but there was nothing I could do. I saw him through so many terrible ordeals, and what did I get out of it? Stress and a drinking issue of my own.
The second "maybe" was my boyfriend B. He was black and a basketball player. I was enthralled with him. We fell in love (if, indeed, that's what it was) very quickly. We talked about him taking me home to North Carolina, we talked about getting married...I thought he was it. He was the only man to ever really and truly break my heart.
The love I'm sure about was with R (metal band R, mentioned several times in previous posts). After 5 years of being apart (and me being married for 4 of those) I never, ever stopped loving him. A month ago, if he walked through the door and asked me to move to California to be with him, I'd have packed up the kids and left - no questions asked.
L has now entered the picture. The feelings for R are being erased around the edges a little. It's exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. Exhilarating in that I might possibly have real love again...a love that goes both ways. In my marriage it was him loving me, me not loving enough back, but being afraid to leave or lose him. I felt like I was nothing if he wasn't with me. How would I do this by myself? (obviously, I've answered that question. I do this just fine, better even.) And terrifying b/c I'm desperately afraid of losing the love for R. It has defined me for so long, how will I be if I let go of the one true love I'm positive of?
I know the answer isn't difficult. It would be the healthy thing to do to let R go. To stop trying to find a way to convince myself he's the one I'm supposed to be with...because for the first time, I'm not so sure he is the one I'm supposed to be with. But there's always that little "what if..." knocking around in the back of my head. So what do I do with that voice? Is there something to it or is it just a habit I'm having trouble giving up?

What would Chuck Norris do? I'll tell you.

2007-09-20T15:50:00.000-05:00

I have discovered a deep well of hilarity embedded within the wonderful world that is the internet. Apparently, there is an underground group of Chuck Norris...well, groupies. They have assembled a list of Chuck Norris facts.
Here are a few tasty tidbits....

--Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

--Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

--Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

--Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

--How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Thursday Thirteen

2007-09-20T09:54:00.000-05:00

Mkay, so I haven't done this in a year...felt like today was THE day to get it going again.
Today's topic? Thirteen random songs on my iPod, and why I love them. Here goes:

1)Love Hurts by Nazareth -- Why do I love this song? Well, because frankly, love is a bitch and it really does hurt. But I also have a new appreciation for it. In the Halloween remake, Michael Myers' mother is stripping to it while he's killing his sister and her boyfriend. Makes the "Hurts" part a little more meaningful, LOL.

2)What's your Fantasy by Ludacris -- This was "our song" for my ex boyfriend B, and I. Yeah, sounds a little dirty. And it was. Oh yes it was.

3)Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters by Elton John -- Because Almost Famous is my favorite movie and Tiny Dancer was too obvious a choice. And because I love Elton John. I wrote him a letter when I was in the 5th grade, but I never sent it. Too chicken.

4)Dig by Mudvayne -- My friend R got me into this song about 5 years ago. I really have no idea what the lyrics say, but it sure gets your heart beating.

5)Not an Addict by K's Choice -- the first time I heard this song was when Zayra sang it on an episode of Rockstar: Supernova. Have been in love with it ever since. I sing it at the top of my everlovin' lungs.

6)50 Ways to Leave your Lover by Simon and Garfunkel -- Have always loved this song, but now it makes me think of my UPS man, since his name is Lee and all.

7)Feelin' Love by Paula Cole -- OMG, how can you not feel sexy when you hear this???

8)Girl all the Bad Guys Want by Bowling For Soup -- "Her cd changer's full of singers that are mad at their dad" Says it all right there. The lyrics to this song are priceless.

9)Shaun of the Dead opening theme -- "Can I get....any of you cunts...a drink?"
One of my favorite movies ever.

10)Smack That by Akon and Eminem -- Reminds me of the 2nd one night stand I've ever had (well, the last i guess, there's only been two that didn't turn into either a friendship or something more). We danced to this song and started making out on the dance floor. Drunk on midori sours and Miller Lite. Oh yeah.

11)Teenage Dirt Bag by Wheatus -- Reminds me of high school, and I really loved the video.

12) Afternoon Delight by the Channel 4 News Team -- Is there even a question as to why this is on my iPod? If you don't think that this is the best song ever, I will fight you.

13) The Sweater Song by Weezer -- 7th grade. No need to elaborate.

Wow, it's been a year already

2007-09-19T09:46:00.000-05:00

How time does fly. I remember exactly what I was doing at this exact moment one year ago....
Talking like a pirate. Yes, that's right. Talk like a pirate day is once again upon us. Who needs freaking Christmas??
Arr.

Hey, hey...the Yankees won AGAIN...but anyway...

2007-09-18T10:14:00.001-05:00

This just might be the best thing I've ever read. Why hasn't anyone thought of it before???

I'm in a sharing sort of mood today...a revealing mood, if you will. Also, I haven't embarrassed myself enough this week, so let's have a little fun at Samantha's expense, shall we??

--This morning I got up before the boys and was taking a shower. There I am, washing my hair, eyes closed under the water...when suddenly the shower curtain is whipped open and I hear, "BOO!!!" Of course I screamed, became tangled up in my own hair, slipped in some shampoo...On the way down I even had the time to think, "Shit. This is going to hurt." The boys were laughing so hard they were crying and having trouble breathing. Come to think of it, I was crying and having trouble breathing too...but maybe it was for a different reason.

--I am secretly Samuel L. Jackson. No, really. This skinny little white girl business is just really good special effect makeup. I realized this yesterday when I was calling the computer a cock-sucking motherfucker...only in my head though, of course. The bad language is rampant in my head...out loud I whisper the word 'piss' just in case there's a kid around. But seriously, I started thinking about it and the only place I'd be decent is in a sailor's bathroom...and even then it might be questionable.

--I have underwear issues. Not weird creepy ones, it's just I only wear black undergarments. Well, I do have two pairs of white panties, just in case a white skirt or similar wardrobe situation crops up. Likewise I have only two white bras...But those suckers do amazing things for my boobs. Every girl needs a good boob bra. Lord knows I need it after two children. So, now you all know. I have 15 black lace camisoles, about a zillion pairs of black panties and black bra-a-palooza going on in my underwear drawer. Sure, it sounds boring, but men seem to find it hot...which just goes to show where my priorities lie, lol. I'm fairly positive I'd have made a really great Catholic school girl.

--"I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class...Especially since I rule."

I'll leave you with that today, ladies and gentlemen. Hope all is well!!!

And we thought it couldn't get any worse

2007-09-17T13:51:00.000-05:00

MSN is reporting that the FBI is investigating a new case....apparently a hit has been taken out on Kevin Federline. Hmm...how long are we giving this before Britney Spears and her bodyguards are hauled in for questioning??
Just my useless piece of info for the day. Enjoy!
Lol.

---------------------------------------
Ok, it's the next day...I'll update for all of you who were crying and worrying that the world's most famous babydaddy might get shot in the face or something. Turns out he's just fine. The investigation started over the summer and has since ended. More Federspawn will be crawling the earth soon. So you can all breathe easy again.

Annnd the Yankees win!

2007-09-17T11:45:00.000-05:00

You know, the title of this thing does have the word sports in it, and I seem to have abandoned that. So today I'll take a couple minutes and congratulate my boys in pinstripes for a great game against the Red Sox. Derek Jeter for President.
And while I'm at it, congratulations to Clint Bowyer for winning his first Nascar race, and doing it in high style.

Ok, enough of that....
So the date? That's what you're all anxious for isn't it? Screw the sports stats, Samantha, just get down to business.
The date was fine.

Actually, it was pretty much fabulous. I'm about 10 seconds away from falling completely in love with this man. If I get up and sing karaoke to God Blessed the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts, then you'll know I'm just gone, finished, in over my head, etc...If I get schmaltzy, look out. Normally I'll just smack your ass and tell you you're hot (lol, partially kidding)...none of that icky emotional crap from me. That may be changing.

Flashback to the 80's

2007-09-13T10:10:00.000-05:00

I'm super excited. My friend is having a "girls only" birthday party in two weeks. The theme? The 80's. Yes. We have to come dressed up. I'm thinking I'll do the Madonna thing...or maybe the Flashdance off the shoulder sweatshirt and leg warmers thing. L says I can drive the Trans Am, lol. It's too new to be authentic, but what's an 80's party without a TA? I'll just aqua net the hair to insane heights (gotta trade in the flat iron for a curling iron for the night) and take the tops out of the car and be, like, totally awesome. Mega-watt eyeshadow, lots of neon, and plastic accessories. How could this not be a great time?

Life is just so good right now. I hope I can get out and share a little of my joy. I feel the need to pay it forward. You shouldn't keep a blessing, you should share it with everyone. Hopefully my sunny disposition will rub off on others.
Have a great day everyone!!

See Samantha date. See Samantha post 50 times a day.

2007-09-12T12:09:00.000-05:00

My whole mood is just kicked up a notch lately. I didn't realize it, but apparently I had a little air of gloom about me. Everyone is noticing that I seem more light-hearted and that I'm always smiling a tiny little smile. They say my eyes have a spark back in them. Blame it on L. I got a wake up call this morning and more flowers at lunch time. This man is spoiling me. I told him he should probably stop or I'd get used to it.
Even dumbass rednecks from the pawn shop can't kill my mood. We were outside the back door kissing goodbye and this scary old man walks by and says something really clever like, "Hey babe, you kissin' the UPS dude? Did he catch you checking out his package?" Raucous laughter followed. Package. UPS. Get it? Yeah.
It's a bit sad but I had really forgotten what it was like to feel this way about someone. Sure I was excited over the thing I had with C, but it was very superficial. I knew it wasn't going to end up being a serious relationship. Plus, he got to be very annoying. He was always trying to impress me by name dropping (hello, loser. I know the "important" people in town too, ok? I go to most of their Christmas parties.) or by telling me how much money he spent on this thing, or that thing. Like I really fucking care.
L makes me feel amazing. My self-confidence is no longer fake and over-exaggerated, it is real again. I feel like a human being again. I feel like a woman again.
And you know what? I love it.

This is pretty right on

2007-09-11T15:30:00.001-05:00

You Are Rum

You're the life of the party, and a total flirt
You are also pretty picky about what you drink
Only the finest labels and best mixed cocktails will do
Except if you're dieting - then it's Diet Coke and Bicardi all the way

What Alcoholic Drink Are You?

I do prefer a nice crown and diet coke, or for a walk on the wild side, a double Wild Turkey 101 and diet....If I'm really down for the party bring on gin and tonics and long island iced tea.

Points to ponder

2007-09-11T15:06:00.000-05:00

--If it's been deemed unconstitutional to post the 10 Commandments outside of a courthouse (even though that is what our whole law system is based on) b/c of separation of church and state....how do we deny homosexual couples the right to marry? We all know the reason people are all icky-weird about it is b/c of the biblical implications, am I right?

--While I'm speaking about biblical things. Did you know that no where in the Bible does it say that suicide is a one way ticket to hell? In fact, some of the men most used by God on earth did themselves in. It's simply a sin you have to explain on the other side.
On that note, did you know that in some states, if you attempt suicide and fail, you can be charged with attempted murder? Not joking.

--A Mennonite (similar to Amish, for those unfamiliar) family came into the store today to buy some homeschool curriculum....the girl came up to me and whispered, "I really love your shoes." I am wearing black ballet flats w/skulls and crossbones on them. Go figure.

--My little brother's friend asked me to go to the Homecoming Dance with him. He's 14. Kid's got balls. I nearly accepted, lol. Too bad the age cutoff for dates is 20.

I don't want this bubble to burst.

2007-09-11T14:06:00.000-05:00

Really, I'm thinking it's about damn time something good happened to me.
Things just keep getting better and better. He stopped in late yesterday on his way back through town and we talked on the phone for an hour last night. This morning when he came in to see me he was so cute... He pulled something out of his pocket and said, "I brought you a kiss." It was a hershey's kiss (with almonds, he's a good man). I know it is silly and corny but who cares? When you've got a good love-buzz going on, corny seems like pure gold. The perma-smile has been plastered on my face for a full week now.
Don't worry...I'll stop gushing eventually ;)

Do things this amazing happen in real life? Do they?

2007-09-10T12:37:00.000-05:00

Because I've only ever seen anything so wonderful occur in a chick flick.
L and I had the best time ever. Since he is the UPS man, and I've never seen him drive anything other than the big brown truck, or wear anything other than the uniform, I was very curious to see what would pull up in front of my house. I'm thinking, ok, he's 38, he's got kids, so maybe an extended cab truck or an SUV or something. So needless to say, the shiny red Trans Am was a little shocking. I don't generally go for cars like that, but this one was actually very pretty, and pulling up in front of a bar in a car like that gets a lot of stares, and it's a lot of fun. As for what he looked like, when he's working he's all tan and golden and he always wears his sunglasses (his nickname is Hollywood) and just has this "I'm amazingly hot" aura about him. Saturday he was slightly less intimidating. He was very casual, jeans, polo shirt, ball cap. Less of an "I'm amazingly hot" thing going on, more like, "All the girls go 'awww!' when they see me, b/c I'm so cute". He said he was really nervous b/c he'd been wanting to ask me out for months, but didn't know my situation or anything...He kept staring at me and saying he couldn't believe I'd actually agreed to go out with him (I'm beginning to think he'd been smoking crack at this point. Couldn't he see I was CLEARLY the one winning??). He was so polite and attentive and just every other positive adjective I can think of. We left the last bar around 2am and went to the all night diner for breakfast. At 3:30 we get back to my house. He doesn't want to leave, and I don't want him to, so we decide to watch Shaun of the Dead (he'd never seen it..."Oh my God. She is so drunk" cracks me up so much, I had to share that with him. We make it through that scene and I'm so tired I can barely move, so he carries me to bed and says he'll stay until I fall asleep. Well, I didn't sleep. He was very distracting. I was very proud of us. We had the best of intentions to keep the first date pure and innocent. But the road to hell (or heaven I suppose, however you look at it, lol) is paved with good intentions. Around 4:45am I was saying, "You can stop being a gentleman now". He listened. He. Is. Incredible. He made C seem like a clumsy high schooler. **Ladies, I am, completely and totally, all for dating older men. There's no going back for me now.** I had to be up at 7, so he just stayed and we got an hour or so of sleep before I had to kick him out.
It was just so fabulous. We just talked and laughed all night, and he made me feel like a princess.
He called last night and he told me he'd be in to see me today, regardless of whether or not he had boxes. He did bring me boxes today...and flowers. Pretty red roses. He put his arms around me and kissed me and we hear, "Oh my God, she's making out with the hot UPS guy!" We turn around and the girls from the beauty school were watching through the back door, lol. So now I'm getting about 50% "good for you!" cheers yelled in my direction and 50% dirty looks, LOL.
I'm happy, floating on cloud 9, can't stop smiling....See? This is how it's supposed to be. We're going out again this Saturday, so let's just hope next week's update is good too.

Where are the video cameras and who is in charge of this joke???

2007-09-07T10:05:00.000-05:00

C showed up at my house last night at 10:30. I haven't heard from him in days and days, after he had his little freak out about our relationship not being low-key enough. He had been at a Chamber of Commerce thing and had been drinking. Apparently he's ready to hit the town and show the world I'm his woman. Umm...sorry baby, I have plans this weekend. I fully intend to see what brown can do for me (sorry, shameless UPS reference, lol).
These weird things have been happening a lot lately. I become involved with C, and R pops up after 5 years (at least he's safely in CA for now.) Now I'm all excited about UPS and C rears his (non)ugly head.
This is just some sort of cosmic test...either that or it's a real life Truman Show and people are watching in slack jawed amazement at the ridiculousness of the whole situation.
Even worse...the EX has decided that after a year of being a total asshole, he wants to be friends. He wanted me to go with him while he gets a new tattoo tonight. WTF? NO! I will not watch you make yourself a human coloring book. I'll be civil for the sake of the boys but we're not going to start hanging out. Bruce and Demi we are not.

------------
As I was typing this, C walked into the store. Around lunch time my ex husband shows up, "just to talk". OMG, I am losing my mind. Why won't people just leave me alone to revel in my UPS man happiness??
I'm going out with L tomorrow, we're going to have a great time. And to all the other men darkening my aura,in the immortal words of Betty White (in the movie "Lake Placid"), "If I had a dick, this is when I'd tell you to suck it!"

Have a great weekend everyone. Date details Monday. WISH ME LUCK!!